Juunishi
by aka Arashi
Summary: The Infamous RK x FB crossover continues! The men of Rurouni Kenshin are cursed by vengeful animal spirits causing all sorts of trouble for their love lives! 12 Animals, 12 guys, 12 times the fun! No, really. It's 12 times the fun. I did the math!
1. Rising Action

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: I debated whether or not to actually post this... Don't tell me that you don't get the urge to write stupid stories when _you're_ in the middle of writing an _epic_! This one is actually a crossover with another anime called Fruits Basket. But it doesn't matter if you've heard of it or not. (I'm only borrowing the idea, none of the characters) And I've only seen up to episode 7 so I'm not trying to stay too accurate to the anime. I'll make sure its nice and easy to understand for all you people who've never even heard of Fruits Basket. The concept is just really cute, unfortunately I don't get into it in this first chapter. Don't worry, this is no epic! Maybe 4 chapters, depending on the responses I get. I just really need a break from my big stories, ok? Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. There, I've said it... what more do you want from me??

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**Juunishi**

"I don't like this Kenshin" Sagara Sanosuke narrowed his eyes suspiciously as he glanced around the spacious antechamber. The tall man wasn't notorious for his intelligence, but Himura Kenshin trusted his friend's judgment and ability to pick up on dangerous situations. At any rate, the red-haired man was feeling the same sense of unease as they stood waiting.

"If we only do things _you like_, we'd spend all day gambling and drinking." Saitoh Hajime's cool exterior was unshakable. He procured a cigarette and a match and began doing one of the things he particularly liked to do. 

Sano scowled in his direction but somehow refrained from retorting. Perhaps it was the strange echoing sound their voices made in the large room that kept his mouth locked shut? Or maybe it was the sense of foreboding that seemed to hang in the air? The lanky ex-gangster only dug his hands into his pockets and stalked off towards the rest of the group, silently fuming. 

"Saitoh" Kenshin's shook his head in disappointment. The former Shinsengumi wasn't making things easy for any of them. "Don't forget that we're here to help you out. Making Sano angry only sews _more_ dissention in this group Can we try and hold it together until after we're through here?" 

A pointed glance at the other ten members of their team elicited a sigh from Saitoh. "You're right for once If we're going to survive this I suppose we had better try and get along." 

Kenshin let just a hint of a smile cross his face as he nodded and walked toward the rest of their companions. The youngest members, Myoujin Yahiko and Tsukayama Yutarou, were inspecting the elaborate wall paintings. Depicted in the ancient art were nature scenes and each screen displayed a particular type of animal. Kenshin ran a critical eye over the art and realized that each screen was actually a sliding door. There were twelve doors stretching to the end of the large room. 

Remembering their strange instructions, Kenshin surveyed the scene, counting his fellow warriors. All together, there were twelve of them. It hadn't been easy to round up twelve people they could trust. At the end they'd grown lax and began recruiting people who's fighting skills they could trust, but not specifically their personalities. Though in the back of his mind, Kenshin knew some of the least trustworthy men were the ones who'd come to them for help in the first place. 

"Hey Sano, look! It's you!" At fifteen, Yahiko's voice and body had matured but his personality had not. Pointing to a large painting of a rooster, Yahiko and Yutarou were almost doubled over with laughter as the indignant ex-gangster threatened their lives and limbs. 

"Sagara-san you shouldn't let something like that get to you." The quiet voice of reason emanated out in the deep bass of Yuukyuuzan Anji the fallen monk. Standing with his powerful arms crossed, the man dwarfed the rest of the twelve-man team. After five years in prison, the fallen monk had been released for good behavior. It had taken a lot of convincing, but the man had agreed to assist in the upcoming fight. 

Beside the fallen monk stood the ex-gangster's long time friend and former Sekihoutai member, Tsukioka Katsuhiro. He grinned and glanced up at the giant of a man. "Sano can't help it Anji. You know he's an idiot." 

"Dammit Katsu! Shut the hell up, ya moron!" Sanosuke dropped Yahiko back to the ground and stalked over to his friend angrily. 

"Yare yare" Popping the cork off his ever-present sake jug, Hiko Seijurou eyed the noisy ex-gangster. "Can't everyone just shut up so I can enjoy the last of my sake in peace?" He chugged the last of the clear liquid and then pulled the bottle away so he could inspect the inside sadly. Not a drop escaped the ceramic confines, much to Hiko's disappointment. "I knew I should have brought more alcohol"

"Master" Kenshin sighed and let his shoulders slump. "Are you sure you should be drinking before a fight?" 

It was a rather stupid question, but Kenshin still felt indignant as the ceramic bottle shattered against his head and sent him "oroing" to the floor. 

"Stupid pupil! How could I have taught such a stupid pupil? Have you learned nothing from your years with me? If you have trained as much as I have, there's nothing a little sake can do to decrease your fighting ability! In fact, I find that it releases my tension and allows me to focus on my opponent more clearly!!" 

Saitoh slowly covered his face with his hand. "Morons I'm surrounded by morons"

"Hey boss"

Saitoh peered through the cracks in his fingers at his blonde underling but refused to remove his hand. "Morons everywhere I look"

"Shut da hell up Saitoh, ya bastard. Who ya calling a moron?" Sawagejou Chou rested his hands angrily on his hips as he eyed his superior officer with his disdainful one-eyed look. "What's going on here? Nobody's come and confronted us yet and we got here just when they told us ya think they chickened out?" 

"Definitely not." Saitoh pulled his hand away so he could get his smoldering cigarette to his mouth where it belonged. "They wouldn't trick us here They've got too much honor for their own good. Be patient, they'll show."

"Hmph They're probably spying on us right now, laughing their damn heads off Battousai's making a damn fool of himself with his damn friends." A moment of silence passed between the two secret police officers as they watched the strange assortment of warriors bicker. 

"Yes well" Saitoh exhaled and tapped the end of his cigarette, watching the ashes fall to the floor. "Just keep in mind that it's Battousai and his 'damn friends' who have pulled us out of the mess we were in. Just between you and me, we should be kissing their asses right now." Saitoh gave Chou a very pointed look with his cold amber eyes. "You make _sure_ and keep that to yourself, understand?" 

Chou waved away his commander's concern. "Ya ain't gotta tell me twice. Like I'd admit something like that to these losers." With his thumb, he roughly indicated their companions. "I just wish the fightin' would get started, cause I'm bored as hell and sick and tired of listening to them yappin'."

"Ummm" 

A voice behind them caused Chou to jump involuntarily. The two police turned to regard the happily smiling man who had interrupted them. 

"Dammit Soujirou-kun! Da hell you doing sneaking up on us and listening in on our conversation?"

"Ah, sorry Chou-san. I was just wondering what we were supposed to be doing?" Seta Soujirou continued to smile as he regarded Chou and then Saitoh. Soujirou the Tenken had been the hardest member of the team to locate. The young man had reluctantly agreed to put his ten-year wandering on hold to assist when the urgent situation had arisen. 

"We're just waiting for them to show, Seta. Until then we wait here." Saitoh watched calmly as the god-like swordsman nodded his understanding and bounded off happily to mingle with the rest of the group. Saitoh noticed, with some measure of distaste, how well the former assassin seemed to fit into Kenshin's group of annoying friends. "That boy had such potential"

"Yup" Chou agreed. "Kinda sad ain't it?" 

"If I'd have got to him first, I think he'd have appreciated my 'Aku, Soku, Zan' Pity the Battousai had to go and fill his head with nonsense" Saitoh flicked his cigarette stub to the floor. "Oh well" 

In the middle of the room, Kenshin had just succeeded at calming down his master when Sanosuke grabbed him by the collar of his gi and pulled him off to the side. 

"Dammit Kenshin That bastard Saitoh and the broom-head are talking crap about us. Look at them standing over there all aloof-like I can't stand that man! Why the hell did we agree to work with him again?? All he gives us for our trouble is a pile of shit!"

"Relax Sano Saitoh obviously wouldn't have asked us if he had any other way out of the situation. He needs our help but it's not for his sake that we agreed. Japan and innocent people would be in danger otherwise." 

"Hmph well that doesn't mean I have to like it When this is over I'm thinking about kicking his ass once and for all." 

Kenshin nodded but couldn't keep the exasperation from leaking into his voice. "Hai, Hai do whatever you want, Sano" 

Sano marched off to chat with Anji and Katsu, leaving Kenshin alone to his thoughts. Glancing to the far wall, the least social members of the group were slowly inspecting the rest of the spacious room, and getting as far away from the others as possible. Shinomori Aoshi picked a corner and sat cross-legged on the floor. He closed his eyes and began to meditate, passing the time in a civilized fashion. 

The last member of the team began pacing back and forth like a caged animal. His hand drifted to the large Chinese sword slung across his back, but the man restrained himself from drawing it. It seemed he was simply looking for the security the weapon provided. As the white-haired man turned to pace back in the opposite direction, Kenshin noticed that his lips were moving. If he was actually saying something, it was too quiet for anyone to hear, but the agitation on his face was as readable as a book. 

Kenshin hesitated before he began walking toward the man. If there was a problem, he knew he'd have to be the one to deal with it. The last member of their team had been his idea, after all. 

"Enishi? Are you alright?" 

Yukishiro Enishi startled out of his own private musings. "Battou" He caught himself and shook his head at his half uttered mistake. "I mean Himura what do you want?" 

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Enishi you seemed troubled." 

The white-haired man smiled ironically. "I _am_ troubled but there's nothing you or I can do about it, now is there?" 

"I just" Kenshin took a step toward his brother-in-law, wanting desperately to find some level of understanding between them. 

Enishi held up his hand. "Save it for the weak, _Battousai_ I don't need your pity or your help _or_ your friendship I've agreed to offer my services and nothing more when this is over I'm leaving."

"I understand" Kenshin bowed his head. "Thank you for your help." 

Before Kenshin could return to the group, a loud booming voice echoed through the room. 

"Welcome gentlemen! We've been waiting for you for a long time." 

Sano swore and Kenshin could sense what the tall ex-gangster was thinking. They'd been the ones made to wait almost half an hour in the large chamber. The strange voice was mistaken. 

"Each fight will be one on one!" The rumbling voice continued. "A single opponent waits in each room. All battles will take place at the same time." Suddenly, the twelve sliding doors with the animal paintings slid open. "Choose your room! We are waiting" 

The twelve warriors gathered together. 

"So whatta we do, Kenshin?" Sanosuke asked cautiously as he glared at the suspicious sliding doors. 

"The Battousai isn't in charge of this mission, moron." Saitoh stepped in front of the group and drew everyone's attention with his assertive tone. "I am"

"I don't see why _I'm_ not in charge. I've obviously got more brains than the rest of you." Hiko Seijurou the thirteenth stood from the place he'd been sitting with a smirk. His mantle swirled around him, giving him an impressive air that the rest of the group completely ignored. 

"Master" Kenshin didn't have anything else to say on the matter so instead he turned to face the Wolf of Mibu. "So what's the plan, Saitoh?" 

"We do what they said. One on one fights at the same time that means each of us will be on our own. When you've defeated your opponent meet back in this room and that's that. Is that simple enough for everyone?" It was fairly obvious who the comment was aimed at. 

"Shut the hell up, Saitoh" Sanosuke growled low in his throat, causing the former Shinsengumi to grin wolfishly. 

Kenshin interrupted everyone before they were able to disperse. "Remember! There's no need to kill your opponent. Just defeat them, alright?" 

Saitoh rolled his eyes. Kenshin's stipulations had been clear from the beginning. The former Hitokiri would help, but only on the condition that none of the men were to be killed. It was always the same, but it was a situation Saitoh was prepared for. He was particularly happy to find that they'd be fighting separately. How could the Battousai stop something from happening when he wasn't there? 

"That goes triple for _you_, Saitoh. I'm quite serious about this. NO killing." Kenshin read the former Shinsengumi's thoughts easily. 

Saitoh simply raised his hands in defense. "Of course, Battousai. Am I the kind of man to back out of a promise?" 

Kenshin narrowed his violet eyes and Saitoh found himself wishing he were staring into a pair of angry amber ones. 

"Saitoh please control yourself And you Chou" Kenshin turned to Saitoh's subordinate. "Just because you work for Saitoh doesn't give you an excuse to kill defeat your opponent honorably." 

"Whatever let me worry about myself, yeah?" Chou marched off into the first of the doors and the screen shut behind him mysteriously. An angry wild boar painted on the sliding door seemed to bar their way. 

"Good luck Kenshin." Sanosuke gave the red-haired man a confident thumbs up. "And don't worry, I won't be killing nobody. I've got all the control in the world when it comes to fights. Instead of my obliterating punches I'll just use my shattering ones." 

"Obliterating?" Saitoh almost laughed, causing Sanosuke's grin to disappear from his face. "Isn't that word too big for you, moron?"

"Shut yer damn face, SAITOH!!" 

"I wish we could control the volume of your voice like you claim to be able to control your punches." 

"Maa maa come on you two" Kenshin held up his hands in defeat, urging the men to shut up. "Let's just get this over with, alright?" 

"Yeah, c'mon Sano" Yahiko appeared out of nowhere and steered the ex-gangster toward one of the doors. "No sense fighting before the real fight, right? You and Saitoh can punch each other out after we're finished."

"Yeah I suppose" The ex-gangster was still bristling with anger but he tried to remain civil. Right before he disappeared into one of the doors he pointed back at the Wolf of Mibu. "After this I'm kicking your ass, Saitoh! Our rematch has waiting long enough!" Sanosuke stalked off into the dark hallway. The screen door shut behind him and Yahiko and Yutarou couldn't help but laugh once again. They'd tricked Sanosuke into choosing the 'rooster' room. 

Kenshin watched as each of the men chose a room and stepped inside. The remaining doorway stood open, and its empty blackness seemed to lure the red-haired man toward it. It was a strange feeling, but somehow Kenshin knew he would have chosen that room even if he'd been the first to enter. As he began walking down the dark corridor the sliding door closed behind him, blocking his escape with painted scales and teeth. The ancient painting of a proud dragon bared its fangs and twisted around itself menacingly.   


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In case you're wondering, this really isn't going to be action/adventure. The romance and humor part of it will come in the rest of the fic. I just had to set some stuff up with this and let you know what characters I'm going to include. I hope you guys like this... If not, I'll be sure and NOT write any more of this nonsense. Your choice, k?

As for timeline stuff, this takes place sometime after Sano returns from his world travels, but you'd have to pretty much throw out my epic "Run to You: Tales of Meiji 16". Nope, they don't fit together... this is just so much nonsense... like one of those bad filler arcs after the Kyoto Arc... *sigh* But hopefully it will be funny!

Next Chapter: The entire gang is CURSED? How horrible! But I bet... you won't wanna miss it! 


	2. Shades of Magenta

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: Holy moly... I didn't expect to get such a positive response for this goofy little fic. I would have written this second part up sooner but I had midterms people. Gomen, ne? (I'm not a goober, am I Karina??) I'm on Spring Break now, so hopefully I'll have some time to write. (but not so much, due to nasty profs and papers that need to be written) The running commentary in the review section has me highly amused people. I've got some comments but I'll save them for the end. For now just enjoy part two. Okie dokie? Oh yeah, one thing to keep in mind while you're reading! (this note's especially for you, Jason M. Lee!) This fic is a parody and a nice big joke. I'm making fun of ALL the characters of Rurouni Kenshin. The cooler they are, the more I'm going to harp on them... I'm a huge Sano fan myself, and just _look_ what I do to him! So I'm sorry about the Hiko stuff... just smile, laugh, and say to yourself "Arashi's just foolin' around". Now then, on with the fic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. But if JadeAnime _does_ want to give me that Kyou plushie I'll happily accept it! And then that would sort of be like owning a piece of Fruits Basket... anyway... (Kyou-kun freakin rocks!!)

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**Juunishi Part 2**

Kenshin sheathed his sakabatou with a click. Lying fifteen feet behind him his opponent drew in one shuddering breath.

"What was that?" The man gasped.

"The Hiten Mitsurugi succession technique: Ama Kakeru Ryuu no Hiremeki."

"_Ryuu_ no Hiremaki truly an attack without equal" The man struggled to sit. A painful looking indent traced from one shoulder to his opposite hip. From experience, Kenshin knew that the attack was enough to finish off any opponent, and though the man was still able to move, it was obvious that the fight was over.

"Souma-dono I am sorry I had to defeat you in such a way But I have no intention of killing you. However, I must insist that you stop your evil plans. Leave the people of Japan to their peaceful lives."

"Of course" His opponent managed to get to his knees where he promptly placed his hands and forehead on the floor in front of him in supplication. "I am defeated our plans are through we will trouble Japan no more"

"Thank you Souma-dono It has been a long time since I have fought such an honorable opponent as yourself I'm not sure what Saitoh has in store for you and your family, but I will be sure to put in a good word." Bowing his head politely, Kenshin turned toward the single exit. A thick fog of incense whirled around him as he passed into the dark hallway. A moment later, Kenshin stopped dead in his tracks. His defeated opponent had begun to laugh and it wasn't a very pleasant sound. Instead, it was the slightly maniacal laughter that only men of extreme evil or craftiness seemed able to produce. The former rurouni narrowed his eyes and turned back to face the other man.

"Battousai, you fool! Our plans are through because you have helped us fulfill them! The curse that has plagued our family for centuries is finally lifting! You happily provided us with the necessary subjects to transfer the curse upon! I hope you enjoy the torment! Battousai!!"

Before Kenshin knew exactly what was happening, the floor underneath his feet gave way and sent him plummeting into the unknown.

~//~

"Ow, Get off me dammit!"

Kenshin was somewhat surprised when the source of his soft landing started talking. "Sano? Is that you?"

"YeahWho else would it be?" The familiar growl of the ex-gangster was comforting in the pitch-blackness.

"Stupid question moron"

Kenshin and Sanosuke were both startled to hear the other voice from the darkness.

"Saitoh??? You're down here too!! What the hell??" Sano roared as he pushed himself up to his feet, displacing the former rurouni in the process. Kenshin plopped down onto the cold stone floor with a quiet 'oro'.

"What indeed" Saitoh's voice betrayed not a hint of concern. "It seems we were all tricked."

"Hah! So you're admitting you screwed up, hey?" Sano was ready to jump at any sign of weakness from the infamous wolf of Mibu.

"No sense in denying it we're all down in this pit after all"

A moment later, Saitoh struck a match, casting a soft illumination in the spacious room. As far as they could see, the room was empty except for the three of them. Glancing towards the ceiling, Saitoh made a simple comment. "Incoming"

A split second later, Sano was flattened underneath Anji, Hiko, Enishi, Soujirou, Aoshi, and Chou. The wind from the falling bodies blew out the match, tossing the warriors back into the darkness.

"Get yer foot outta my face!"

"Touch my cape, and die"

"It seems we've gotten ourselves into a mess"

"Don't touch me there!"

"Can't breathe"

The seven warriors attempted to disentangle themselves with very little success.

"Dammit Saitoh light another match... so they can get the hell off of me" Sano's muffled voice could barely be heard over the rest of the commotion.

"I'm not wasting another one" Saitoh huffed angrily. "I've got three cigarettes left and exactly three matches."

"Argh!! My eye! Somebody's damn sheath poked me in the damn eye!" Chou wailed.

"Ororororo Saitoh, maybe it would be for the best if you" Standing beside the pile of bodies, there was little the former rurouni could do to help in the darkness.

"Nope, not gonna happen though perhaps I could" A second later, another match provided enough illumination for the warriors to see by. Saitoh held a cigarette in his lips and cupped the match while he brought it to the end of his cigarette.

"Saitoh we can't see, ya bastard!! Stop covering the match!"

When the cigarette was properly lit, the former Shinsengumi pulled the match away and held it uncovered for the rest of them. "Stop your whining I couldn't very well let the thing go to waste."

In a matter of seconds, the unhappy men succeeded in separating. Lying on the floor, the ex-gangster was the last to get up. He slowly propped himself up on his hands and knees. "Ow ow ow you guys are too damn heavy"

Saitoh slowly held his hand in front of the match before making his important comment. "Incoming"

~//~

Saitoh's match burned out long before they succeeded in disentangling Yahiko, Yutarou, and Katsu from Sano. Once they were done, none of the warriors could convince Saitoh to waste another one but thanks to Katsu's handy bomb lighting flints and a pile of dried sticks, there was enough illumination for them to know they were stuck. A single hallway ran off from the room and ended in a solid brick wall. Other than that, there was no sign of an exit. Aoshi, Enishi, Saitoh, and Chou searched the walls while the others tried to think of a plan.

"Now what are we supposed to do?" Yahiko plopped down on the floor in frustration.

"The answer's simple" Hiko stood and pointed toward the hole in the ceiling. "We go out the way we came in."

"Nobody could get back up there!" Yahiko glared at the master of Hiten Mitsurugi. "Not even a damn monkey could climb back up that hole."

"Who said anything about climbing?" Hiko smirked and positioned himself directly underneath the hole. Crouching low, Hiko Seijurou the thirteenth pushed off and propelled himself straight up into the air. Everyone stood in awe as they watched Hiko fly up into the air and disappear into the hole. A moment later there was a loud crash and Hiko fell back into the pit. "Damn IT!" Clutching his head with both hands, the mighty Hiko Seijurou staggered around the chamber. "They sealed the tunnel off! We can't go out that way ouch"

"Not that the rest of us could have freakin' jumped up there anyway" Sano crossed his arms angrily. "Damn Hiten Mitsurugi master and his inhuman capabilities By the way now that we're stuck down here I might as well ask you guys something Did your opponents say something really weird before they dumped you down here?"

"Yeah now that you mention it" Katsu looked thoughtful for a moment. "He said something about a curse?"

"Hey, mine too I thought the guy was just psychotic." Yutarou commented.

Yahiko chimed in. "Yeah, my guy said the same thing said something about an age old curse that was about to be undone what a bunch of freaks"

"Hmmm" Saitoh walked back to the main group from his minor exploration attempt. "Do you guys smell something unusual?"

"What, you mean besides Sano?"

"Dammit Yahiko!"

"Yes, this is far more peculiar than the rooster-head's run-of-the-mill body order It smells like incense, perhaps?"

Everyone spent a few minutes putting their noses to good use. It was a long time before anyone finally detected the subtle hint of incense, and by that time, a low cloud of the stuff had started forming.

Anji was the one to finally break the silence. "I can smell the incense If I'm not mistaken it is one that used to be used for ancient rituals"

"What are these bastards up to?" Saitoh flicked the stub of his cigarette to the floor angrily. "Now I only wish I'd gotten the chance to kill my opponent before ending up down here"

Kenshin brightened up visibly. "So you didn't kill him? I'm impressed Saitoh."

"Hmph It's not because I wasn't planning on it I just didn't get the opportunity."

"Ororo"

The fog of incense around them grew thicker and after a few minutes Saitoh began coughing.

Sano grinned from ear to ear. "Some people say that cigarettes mess up people's lungs. Or maybe you're just getting old and sickly?"

"It's certainly_ not_ my cigarettes." Saitoh glared in his direction before coughing again. To everyone's surprise, the powerful wolf of Mibu dropped to one knee as a coughing fit sapped his strength. Eyes watering, Saitoh stared back up at the rest of the warriors. "Can't you smell that?"

"Saitoh's right." Aoshi spoke up. "The air tastes funny"

Yutarou was suddenly wracked by his own coughs. "Ack is this some kind of poison? I'm starting to feel strangely"

"The damn bastards are going to poison us? What the hell!?" Chou roared angrily.

Enishi growled low in his throat, startling the warriors that were closest to him with his pitch and animal ferocity. "Damn it I didn't come here to die in this pit with you losers. We need to find a way out!" Covering his face with the back of his hand to block off the noxious fumes, Enishi marched toward the single hallway. "You, the big slow guy" Enishi roughly indicated Anji with his finger. "And you, bird-brain"

Sano clenched his fists angrily. "Who you calling a bird-brain?"

"Don't get yourself ruffled, Rooster-head Instead, use that crazy punching attack and make us an exit."

"Oh" Sano nodded and rushed off down the hallway with Anji close behind.

~//~

"Phew I thought we were goners" Yahiko collapsed onto his back and sucked in a deep breath of the fresh mountain air.

"Indeed that was close" Anji stood thoughtfully. "But it seems strange how could the incense have caused such an effect?"

"It wasn't the incense" Saitoh leaned heavily against a tree, digging through his pocket for his cigarettes. Once he had one in a shaky hand, he decided against it and tucked the slender roll back into his pack. "There was some sort of poison as well They started pumping it in a few minutes later than the incense. There was only a very subtle difference in the odor"

"Yeah" Yutarou agreed.

"Does anybody else feel really weird?" Sano leaned against a tree. General consensus said, "Yes, we all feel peculiar." The conversation didn't go much further than that before more important issues popped up.

"Well, now that we've escaped what do we do?" Katsu asked looking toward the former Shinsengumi tentatively.

"We head back to Kyoto, of course. We've got another hour of daylight." Saitoh pushed himself to his feet and started walking. Off in the distance a single wolf let out a long, trailing howl. Saitoh stopped dead in his tracks and turned his head, seemingly straining his ears to hear something. His actions were so sudden and peculiar, that the rest of the group stopped and stared at him.

"What is it, Saitoh?" Kenshin asked the question but everyone was thinking it.

The wolf of Mibu stood frozen in place until the real wolf had finished howling. A look of fear and confusion unlike any the Kenshin-gumi had ever seen was plastered to the intimidating man's face.

Sano took a single step backwards in shock. "What what the hell is it Saitoh?" The ex-gangster was terrified at the prospect of Saitoh being terrified.

Saitoh opened his mouth and then closed it before finally opening his mouth to speak. "Didn't you hear that?"

"Hear _what_?"

Shaking his head as if to clear it, Saitoh placed one hand to his forehead. "Nothing never mind I'm only hearing things must be an aftereffect of that damn poison" Without another word, Saitoh headed down the trail he'd selected to take them back to Kyoto.

~//~

Even in the evening, Kyoto was bustling with activity. Crowds of men and women made their way through the shopping district of downtown Kyoto. The twelve men drew curious glances from the commoners as they stalked through the streets.

Passing one shop, Kenshin noticed a few items that he knew Kaoru would particularly like to have. Pausing to inspect the outrageous prices, the former rurouni fell to the end of the group. Noticing that he was being left behind, Kenshin rushed after his companions.

When a group of female shoppers suddenly stepped out in front of him, Kenshin used his superior reflexes to dodge around them. Unfortunately, the women were not quite so secure on their feet. One young lady, surprised by the flash of magenta and red, tripped over the edges of her friend's kimono. Being a nice guy by habit, Kenshin turned back to catch the woman before she could collapse face first into the dirt.

~//~

The fact that Kenshin was lagging behind had indirectly caused Sanosuke to lag behind. Added incentive was, of course, to get as far away from Saitoh as possible. A bit of commotion and a strange 'poof' noise caused the ex-gangster to pause and glance behind. One young woman had tripped to the ground and her two friends helped her to her feet, laughing at her as they dusted her off. The woman seemed overly confused, but after a moment she smiled, laughed, and walked off with her friends.

Sano scratched his head and glanced around the street. Kenshin had disappeared.

"Oi Kenshin where'd you go?"

Trotting back the way they'd came, Sanosuke's eyes widened when he noticed a pile of very familiar looking clothing. Crouching low, the lanky street fighter reached out slowly and collected a handful of the magenta fabric in his calloused and bandaged hands. It was most certainly Kenshin's. No one else in Japan wore that particular shade of magenta.

"What... the hell??"

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Ok, now that part 2 is out of the way... I can get to my commentary! *grin* Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! Seriously, without you guys I _would not_ be continuing this. I'm surprised how many of you have actually seen Fruits Basket. I was kind of thinking I'd have to explain _everything_. (for a brief **explanation** scroll down to the bottom, sort of a spoiler, but there's a fun **game** too!)

To **JadeAnime, lunny, Kori Suketchi, Chibi Tenshi** and anybody else who cares: It's pretty darn hilarious that my review section became a Fruits Basket discussion board. *grin* lunny's second review sums things up nicely. The twelve guys are going to become the twelve main animals... as for the cat... I'm thinking about working him in later. (but no promises) This isn't really a fic that will try and parallel the relationships created in Fruits Basket. Primarily, this is a Rurouni Kenshin story. It's simply a... "what if the guys of Rurouni Kenshin were cursed by the vengeful animal spirits of the Chinese Zodiac". I really didn't select animals based on the added animosity it could create between characters. I'm just using the good old fashioned animosity already provided by RK and I selected animals by what seemed most appropriate for the characters. The best animosity exists between the cat and everybody else anyway... and since the cat isn't one of the 12... *shrug* Well **JadeAnime**, I hope you enjoyed this. I posted, see?? Now you don't have to kidnap me or throw me in a dark room! (and you're right, this _may_ end up being more than 4 chapters)

To **M.Kasshoku, Karina Kineshi, Jason M. Lee, **and **Sher**: Ah, you guys are the best. I can't believe you're reading this little crossover/filler arc fic. *laughs* Hope it's entertaining even if you have no clue what Fruits Basket is! 

To **Firuze Khanume, SharkAria, omochi, **and **carlyd**: Glad you guys were awesome enough to review! You asked for it, you got it! Hope you enjoyed part 2! 

To** Boka-san**: Ewww, how do you spell your name in roomanji? *giggle* Well, looks like I can't read the japanese text. zannen, ne? Anyway, have fun over haru yasumi! I'll just be sitting here doing my darn homework! *beats head against desk*

**A Brief Explanation: for those who'd rather know what's going on. *Quasi-Spoiler***

In the Anime "Fruits Basket" the Souma family is cursed by vengeful animal spirits and when they are "huggled" by members of the opposite sex or become nervous, they transform into one of the animals from the Chinese Zodiac. In this fic, our twelve heroes have been given the curse. 

**Super Fun Game!**

The twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac are: the horse, rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, serpent, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog, and wild boar. There are some hints in my fic for what animal certain characters are going to become. (and then a few of them are dead give aways as well) Some of them aren't easy, and I can tell you right now... Hiko's actions do not really give away the animal I have selected for him. If you want to win an imaginary prize (and my absolute respect) go ahead and try and guess what animal I've selected for the twelve guys: Kenshin, Sano, Saitoh, Yahiko, Hiko, Soujirou, Yutarou, Chou, Anji, Aoshi, Enishi, and Katsu. There's a method to my madness in each of my selections so I'm not too concerned if you all _totally_ disagree with my choices. I can justify it... *snicker* Good luck, everybody! 

**Upcoming Part 3:** Details of the peculiar curse are discovered and the men decide one thing: It would be better if the women don't find out! Can they keep this curse a secret until they find a way to remove it? Assuming you guys are still interested... you'll find out Next Time!

  



	3. A Case of Nudity

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: Well well well, the grand prize for guessing animals goes to **JadeAnime**! You got 10 out of 12, nice work! Everybody had some great guesses though! Like I said, just about anything could be justifiable. *grin* As for your prize... uh... here's part 3! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this! It is quite a lot of fun to write!

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. 

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**Juunishi Part 3**

"KENSHIN?? Where are you???" 

Sagara Sanosuke wasn't sure what to think. It had been a long time, about two hours to be precise, since anything particularly strange had happened to him. Finding Kenshin's clothes anywhere other than wrapped around the former rurouni was definitely strange and more than slightly disturbing. It meant that Kenshin was running around naked somewhere, at the very least. But the question was really 'why' Kenshin would be doing something so obviously contrary to his character. Sano's brain worked overtime trying to solve that mystery while his mouth did the rest.

"Where the HELL did you GO???" 

The others had stopped and were staring at the ex-gangster who angrily jumped to his feet, dangling Kenshin's hakama and gi from each hand. The sakabatou fell to the ground with a clatter. Something else tumbled out of the roughly handled clothing and plopped down next to the sakabatou. This new development went unnoticed by the frantic street fighter. 

"KENSHIN!!! Get yer ASS back here right now and put on your clothes!!! The hell are you doing running around NAKED!? Kaoru's gonna be FURIOUS when I tell her!!" 

Bystanders were terrified. Women and children huddled together and tried to get around Sano without making eye contact. The other ten warriors only stood and stared at him blankly, unsure as to why Sano was carrying around Kenshin's clothes and yelling for the rurouni. The ex-gangster turned to and fro as though he expected someone to pop out from behind a building.

"Sano" 

The voice was quiet and strained. Surprisingly, the ex-gangster actually heard it through all his yelling and franticness. No one else did, but it didn't really matter. The only one in any sort of position to be of assistance was the ex-gangster.

"Kenshin? Is that you?" Sano's volume dropped decibels and his movements became less frantic. The others simply assumed that Sanosuke had totally lost his marbles. The former rurouni was nowhere in sight.

"Sano help I can't breathe" 

"What's wrong Kenshin? Where are ya?"

Yahiko yelled out, trying to figure out what Sanosuke was up to. The ex-gangster completely ignored him and started glancing around carefully, seemingly talking to Kenshin the entire time. 

"What is that moron doing?" Saitoh lit one of his remaining two cigarettes and puffed away contently. "We need to get back to the police station so I can take care of some last minute business and where did the Battousai disappear to anyway?" 

"Want me to take care of this?" Enishi reached up and rested his hand on the hilt of his Chinese style sword. The white haired man was in a hurry to conclude their business so he could disappear back to his outcast village. 

Saitoh raised an eyebrow, thought for about half a second, and then nodded. "Sure Enishi. Try not to make too much of a mess." The Wolf of Mibu thought it was only marginally ironic that Enishi, a full-blown psychopath, was about to take care of the problem created by someone who was only acting insane. 

With the grace of a true predator, Enishi stalked toward the obviously mentally challenged ex-gangster. Sano, for his part, had crouched low again, staring at something on the ground. 

"HOLY SHIT KENSHIN!! YOU'VE TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF NASTY LITTLE BUG THING!!!" 

Sanosuke jumped to his feet, holding something carefully in his powerful hands. 

"We HAVE to get you to MEGUMI! She'll know what to do!!" 

Enishi had planned on knocking the ex-gangster out with the flat of his sword, but once the tall man was on his feet things were more complicated. Especially when the ex-gangster barreled straight through the white-haired psychopath as though he didn't even notice him. 

"Hold on KENSHIN! Everything will be ALRIGHT!" 

Enishi stumbled backwards, bumping into some of the terrified people crouching beside the storefront. Caring hands reached out to keep him from falling, and then all pandemonium broke loose. 

A mysterious puff of colored smoke engulfed the small group of women and a moment later, a full-blown, white, Bengal tiger erupted from the cloud with a savage growl. Claws dug into the dirt and the powerful back of the animal arched angrily. Turning its head in the direction of the fleeing ex-gangster, the tiger bounded after him with a roar. 

People noticed the strange occurrence, it would have been difficult not to. Where the animal came from, exactly, was unknown. But that wasn't really the issue. The more important issue to the general populace was survival. A mad tiger running amok in downtown Kyoto made people realize exactly how precious their insignificant lives really were. In an instant, the terror and fear that existed during the Bakumatsu was reborn and people fled for their lives. 

~//~

Even though his mind was whirling with his recent discovery, Sanosuke would have had to be deaf and blind not to notice the commotion. When the general populace all started screaming, "We're going to die" the ex-gangster hazarded a glance behind him. A moment later, he wished he hadn't. A very large ferocious looking cat was chasing him. In the five years he'd spent traveling the world, Sagara Sanosuke had only seen something resembling it once. He'd been at a museum in England and the animal had been stuffed. He decided that alive, the beast was much more terrifying. 

"Oh SHIT Kenshin!! We're in trouble!!" 

He spoke in the general direction of his cupped hands, but if the small creature inside heard him, it made no replying comment. 

"Kenshin?? Kenshin can you hear me?? OH NO! Are you still alive??" 

Running full speed, Sanosuke pulled his hands closer to his face and opened them a crack so he could peer inside. The strange organism twitched slightly in his grasp, reassuring the ex-gangster only slightly. He had no idea why Kenshin had transformed and even less of an idea why he was having trouble breathing. Sano felt terrible because he didn't even have any idea WHAT Kenshin had changed into. But he knew without a doubt it was his friend. On the left cheek of the small creature there was a tiny cross-shaped scar. 

The wheels in Sanosuke's head started turning as he glanced back at the ferocious tiger chasing him. As strange as it was to have Kenshin magically transform into an unknown animal, perhaps this was something he could use to explain why a giant cat had materialized out of nowhere and started chasing him? Something about the giant kitty was oddly familiar. The fact that it was ignoring everyone around them and chasing after only him seemed quite mysterious as well. What had he done to piss off the scary white tiger? 

His thoughts were interrupted a moment later when he collided head on into a group of people. 

He wasn't sure if he'd tripped or what, but he knew he was definitely on the ground with something covering his head, blocking the sight of the commotion around him. He was vaguely aware that he'd lost hold of his best friend, and that thought terrified him more than the rabid tiger. 

"KENSHIN!" He struggled against the large white sheet that someone had draped over his entire body. When he finally managed to poke his head out from under the strangely heavy material, the sight that befell his eyes was the strangest one that he'd ever seen. Even with everything else going on, somehow he never considered the possibility that the entire world would grow to gigantic proportions. 

For a moment, he stared at the evening sky. Around him, huge people were running for their lives. A second later, a massive white tiger leapt above his head and Sanosuke was sure that the thing had at least quadrupled in size.

Glad that it had lost interest in him, Sanosuke jumped to his feet and ran for cover. He decided that he could deal with the giant problem later. Instinct told him to flee and find some sort of protection. As he ran, he felt unbalanced, but it wasn't until he'd tried to catch his breath by leaning his hand against a strange furry tree that he noticed the source of his discomfort. Instead of his familiar bruised, broken, or bleeding hands, he was quite startled to discover a pair of white-feathered wings. 

~//~

If not for the string of familiar sounding curses, Anji wouldn't have known for certain. 

"Sagara-san? Is that you?" 

The rooster slowly lifted its head and stared in his direction, its beak opening slightly in shock. 

"AAnji? Is that you?" 

The giant ox nodded its head slightly, looking almost humorous because of the angle. It was staring straight down at the rooster who was standing between its two front legs. 

"It seems I've turned into an ox for some unknown reason" Anji's composure was just the thing that Sanosuke needed to keep him from running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off. 

"Shiiiiiiiit" Sano held his wings out so he could get a good look at them. "DA HELL?? Don't tell me oh shit shit shit don't tell me I've turned into a damn rooster!!?" 

"Fine"

"FINE WHAT???" 

"I won't tell you" Anji replied calmly. 

"DAMN IT!!!!! What the hell is going ON!?" Flapping his wings in frustration, Sanosuke looked like he was about ready to run off into the crazed traffic. 

"Don't go anywhere Sagara-san You're safe underneath me."

It wasn't just Sanosuke who found refuge underneath the large ox. A stray, black dog joined him under Anji's protective body a moment later, panting heavily. 

"Oh great!! Just great! Dammit Anji you're attracting all the REAL animals too!" Feathers ruffled in frustration as Sanosuke glared at the newcomer. "Shoo dog! Go find somewhere else to hide!" 

"Are you talking to _me_, moron?" The dog bared its fangs and growled. 

"S Sai Saitoh???" 

"I'm tempted to snap your neck right now since I'm fairly certain all of this is somehow your fault." 

Sanosuke regained enough composure to be indignant. "MY fault? How do you figure?" 

"You're the one who went running off and stirred up this ruckus." 

"It is not MY fault!! Kenshin somehow turned into a little shriveled thingie!! What was I supposed to do? Leave him there to die?" 

"Well if you didn't bump into Enishi the psychopath wouldn't have transformed into a tiger and started scaring everyone." 

"Well if YOU hadn't forced us all to come help you maybe none of this would have happened at all!" 

Saitoh looked disinterested and casually started scratching behind his ears with his hind legs. "Moron"

"Disgusting Saitoh! Don't tell me you've spent five minutes as a dog and you already have fleas! Damn it, I don't wanna get your parasites!" 

"Dog? Who you calling a dog?" Saitoh stopped instantly and took a menacing step toward the rooster. "I am most certainly a wolf." 

"Like hell you are Saitoh! You're just a mutt!" 

"I'm a wolf!" 

"Mutt!"

"Wolf!"

"MUTT!"

"Gentlemen" Anji's voice boomed out, silencing the arguing animals. "Let's try to remain civilized." 

Glancing up at the giant ox, Sanosuke and Saitoh both decided against arguing. 

"And besides Saitoh-san from where I'm standing, you most certainly are _not_ a wolf. I'm sorry."

Growling again, Saitoh turned away. "Well enough of this nonsense. I'm going out there to try and find the others." 

"Oh shit do you think everyone else has turned into animals as well?" 

Saitoh gave the ex-gangster a pointed look. "If I were a freeloading street fighter like you, I'd bet my last yen on it."

~//~

"Well, this is a fine mess we've gotten in!" Flipping his long flowing mane with a toss of his head, Hiko glanced around at the other gathered animals. His white and red mantle was draped over his broad back, making it fairly obvious that the Hiten Mitsurugi Master had indeed turned into the powerful stallion standing before them. 

On his back, a small monkey clutched a mouse in its hands protectively. "You guys don't think we're going to be stuck like this do you?" The monkey looked hesitant.

"No way in hell Yahiko" Sanosuke assured him, from his place on Anji's back. 

"But that still doesn't tell us what we're supposed to do now?" The tiny rat piped in. Yutarou was more terrified than he'd ever been in his entire life. "I don't know how much longer I can handle this!" 

"Yutarou-kun would probably be at more ease if you'd stop pacing around Enishi" The horned ram glared over at the tiger that had distanced himself from the rest of the group. "You need to understand what your scent and actions would do to someone of his decreased stature." Katsu didn't bother mentioning what it was doing to _his_ sense of well-being. 

"Do you want me to eat you, sheep-boy?" Enishi growled as he reluctantly hunched down on the ground. The smaller animals all let out a sigh and relaxed visibly. 

Conversing quietly, the dog and the wild boar had their backs turned to the others. Jumping to their side, the friendly rabbit startled them. 

"What are you two talking about?" Soujirou seemed least concerned by the turn of events. Even Anji had expressed his confusion and displeasure, but the former assassin somehow thought becoming a bunny was amusing. 

"WHA!? Soujirou! Don't freakin' interrupt us when we're tryin' ta talk!" Chou pointed his snout at the rabbit angrily. "And stop jumping around like that! It's pretty damn annoyin'." 

"Ooops I'm sorry Chou-san." Soujirou hopped back a bit to give the angry boar more space. "Anyway, what are you two discussing?" 

"Three." Aoshi's voice drifted up from nowhere in particular. 

"Three?" Soujirou glanced around in confusion until a reptilian head poked up from the grass. "Oh, hello Shinomori-san!" 

"Hmph" The serpent's forked tongue flicked out once to taste the air before he disappeared back into the greenery. 

From Anji's back, Sanosuke started chuckling. "Damn Aoshi I always knew you were one cold-blooded bastard!"

"Sagara-san" Aoshi stoic voice drifted up from the grass. "Snakes have been known to eat chickens" 

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" 

"I think it's fairly obvious." The dog glared up at the perched rooster. "Anyway people just because we've turned into animals doesn't mean we should start acting like them."

"Coming from you Saitoh, there's something seriously wrong with that statement! Who goes around calling himself a wolf on a regular basis in this group?" 

"Shut your beak." Saitoh barked. "Anyway, I suppose there's something Chou and I neglected to mention to the rest of you." 

Ears perked up and various animal heads turned in their direction. As one the whole group asked the simple question. "WHAT!?" 

"Pray tell, Saitoh WHAT exactly have you neglected to mention to us?" Hiko dug his hoof into the dirt angrily. "Don't tell us you _knew _something like this was going to happen?" 

"Well, before I say anything I think it might be pertinent to locate the Battousai" 

"Holy shit! Kenshin!" Sano flapped his wings. "In the commotion I totally forgot about him! We have to find him! He was in big trouble!"

"Why Sano?" The monkey crawled anxiously onto the horse's head to get a better view. "Did he transform too?" 

"Yeah! I'm not even sure what he was, but he said he couldn't breathe!" Sano fluttered down from Anji's back, finding himself only slightly annoyed by the fact that he could almost fly. "We have to go look for him! I dropped him when I transformed!" 

~//~

The street was completely deserted due to the terror of the ferocious tiger, so the eleven animals didn't have much trouble getting around. Enishi sulked toward the back of the group while Sano and Saitoh led everyone to the last place the ex-gangster had seen the former rurouni turned strange creature. 

"I was running right here when I ran into a bunch of people" Sano strutted across his white gi, glancing around on the ground for his lost friend. 

"Hmmmm" Saitoh lowered his nose to the ground and took a tentative sniff, eliciting a laugh from the rooster. "Shut up If I'm a dog I might as well make the best of it." 

"Ha ha You're a natural Saitoh. You've got the natural instincts of a mutt." 

Saitoh only spared Sanosuke one angry look before he went back to sniffing. "And you play the part of a chicken very convincingly. You've got the strut and the constant squawking down."

"Shut up" 

"Moron." 

Hopping off Hiko, Yahiko helped in the search while Yutarou remained behind, safely standing on the horse's back. Soujirou hopped back and forth calling out "Himura" while Chou stalked around on his stout legs snorting. 

A mysterious sound and a puff of smoke drew everyone's attention to a rain barrel positioned on the side of one building. A moment later, the familiar red-haired man burst through the surface of the water and sucked in a large breath of air. He was standing up to his waist in the barrel and when he turned to find the menagerie of animals staring at him he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"Oro?" 

"KENSHIN!" Sanosuke ran flapping and ended up lifting off the ground just enough to perch on the side of the rain barrel. "Kenshin I'm so glad you're alright!" 

"Sa?" The former rurouni stated as he stared in shock at the animated rooster. 

"Oh, that's just like my stupid pupil Making people worry about him needlessly." Hiko snorted and flicked his tail, drawing Kenshin's attention to the mighty stallion wearing his master's mantle. 

"Mas?" Kenshin slowly appraised the animals. "Guys?"

"Yup" Sano would have shrugged, but his new animal body wasn't built for the movement. "We all sorta turned into animals just like you. But you turned back! That's great! That means we're saved!" 

"Orororororo" Kenshin slumped slowly back into the water and covered his tired eyes with his hand. "Guys I'm not sure what's going on but could someone tell me where my clothes went at least"

"Oh yeah sure They're back over there by Enishi." With one wing, Sanosuke pointed back towards the shop where everything had started. Kenshin glanced over in the direction he indicated, but a moment later each of the animals were surrounded by the colorful puffs of smoke. The rain barrel became unbalanced and tipped, spilling Kenshin and the gallons of cold water. 

"AHHHH! DAMN that's COLD!" Sanosuke howled and it was then that Kenshin noticed his friend had changed back into his normal human self. It was somewhat relieving, except for the fact that Kenshin found himself balanced precariously over top of the naked man. It was then that Kenshin remembered he was in a similar situation. 

"Orororororo" 

"Um Kenshin?" Their faces were a mere foot apart, and neither man wanted to break eye contact with the other, for fear of seeing something they didn't really want to see. 

"Uh yeah Sano?" Both men pretended they weren't really in such a compromised position. 

"Could you get off of me?" 

"Yeah." Kenshin jumped off and backed away, covering his manhood with his hands. Sano rolled over and reached out, snagging his white drawstring pants and pulling them on in a heartbeat. The others were less fortunate and eleven naked men scrambled around the downtown street of Kyoto, looking for their clothes. 

~//~

"So that's how it is" Kenshin said thoughtfully as they sat around Saitoh's office. 

Saitoh tapped his cigarette into his ashtray and leaned back into his seat. "Yes The Souma clan has been cursed for centuries with vengeful animal spirits of the Chinese Zodiac. It seems they found some way to give us the curse instead"

"Those bastards" Sano growled.

"Chances are good, this curse will not be permanent. We should be able to find a way to undo it." Aoshi commented. "Give me a day and I should be able to uncover any information we need." 

"I'll help as well." Anji spoke up. "I'm somewhat familiar with rituals and curses." Aoshi nodded his agreement and acceptance of the offer. 

"Chou and I will see what we can uncover as well" Saitoh blew a single puff of smoke out into the crowded room. "As for the rest of you I think our main concern should be keeping this problem a secret until we know how to handle it."

Kenshin agreed. "I think it would be best if we do not let the others know about our current situation."

"Oi What do you mean?" Sano pulled his hands from his pockets and took a step toward his red-haired friend. "You mean keep this from Jou-chan and everybody?" 

Kenshin smiled somewhat self-disparagingly. "Kaoru was quite angry with me when I told her I was going to help Saitoh with his battle She and the others were very concerned for all of our safety I don't want to worry her any more than necessary. Especially if we'll be able to take care of this problem like it never even happened" Kenshin glanced up at the tall street fighter. "I think it would be most heartening to Kaoru and Megumi-dono if we return from a battle without any sort of injury, that I do." 

"Yeah but" Sano glanced around the room, noticing he had everyone's attention and feeling somewhat self-conscious because of it. "I mean what if they find out we turn into animals? That's going to be kinda hard to hide ya know? Especially cause we don't even know what causes it." 

Saitoh extinguished his cigarette in his ashtray and returned his amber gaze to the ex-gangster. "Well then that's something you'll just have to find out isn't it?" 

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Amusing...? At least... slightly? Does everyone sort of understand it now? Don't worry, things will make even more sense in the next chapter. In case you're completely clueless, Kenshin IS the Dragon. (but he's actually a seahorse due to wacky Japanese mythology and the crazy creator of Fruits Basket) Well anyway, that was quite a bit of fun to write. Have I scared anyone away yet? Gomen, ne! 

**Upcoming Part 4:** (previously thought to be the last chapter but now most likely NOT going to be the conclusion) The last little detail about the curse is discovered. It is contact with the opposite sex that causes the transformation. But try as they might, the men of Rurouni Kenshin cannot avoid their women forever. It will sure be fun to watch them try though!

Dang... I've got me a headache from too much time on my computer. Well, I think I'll go take a nap now. I'll be waiting for your comments everybody! They make my day!

  



	4. Mutual Contact

Author: Arashi Faithful Beta Reader: Karina Kineshi who had beta-ed this post humorously! And sorry bout the old Author's note! No Yaoi here! grin

Author's Notes: How's everybody doing? I'm quite honored to have so many distinguished RK fanfic authors reading this thing! You guys rock! So are you all ready for round 4? We got the first accidental poofing from a lead female character in this chapter... I dare ya to try and guess who's first! (no cheating!) As always, don't take things too seriously. I like to torment characters/people that I love! grin Oh, by the way... did you get any good pics with that handy dandy camera of yours **Kori**? snicker There are actually one or two pics I'm tempted to draw for this fic. (partially nekked guys from RK? Yum!) And **Mara**, is the thought of Anji nekked _that _disturbing? Sure, completely nekked is ONE thing... but only partially naked he's not so bad! I mean... I think the man's studly as hell when him and Sano are beating each other senseless!

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. But I did just buy the 15th DVD of RK even though it's all filler episodes! C'mon guys... Sano and the doggie? Bwahahaha! Also, there's a bit of a borrowed conversation about "catalysts" from Karina's "Pandora's Box". I didn't realize this till her review, but I knew it was too funny for me to have thought it all up myself! You guys should check out "Pandora's Box" if you haven't already... it freakin rocks!

* * *

**Juunishi Part 4**

"Heeeeeeell no!"

"Just do it moron, stop making such a big deal out of this." Saitoh had a few extra packs of cigarettes in his Kyoto office desk. They were there for emergencies, and he decided that if there was ever going to be a time he could label as such, this was it. In fact, he was tempted to light two.

"Then why don't you do it, Saitoh? Since it's not a big deal and all!" Sano refused to go along with the 'wolf of Mibu' turned '_dog_ of Mibu's' orders. The last few hours had proved most effectively how vulnerable the generally intimidating man actually was.

"I saw the way you and Battousai sprawled on top of each other." Being vulnerable didn't stop Saitoh from being able to take control of a situation in a most ruthless fashion. Sano's jaw dropped and Kenshin's eyes widened indignantly.

"Just get it over with." Saitoh nudged the ex-gangster roughly with his boot, forcing the lanky man to take an involuntary step toward the former Hitokiri.

"Ororo." Kenshin, for his part, was standing in one spot looking quite confused. "Why do _I _have to do this, anyway?"

No one had an answer for him. It just seemed like the most logical choice. Anji was too scary, Yahiko and Yutarou were too immature, Aoshi was too serious, and Enishi threatened to dismember anyone who tried it on him. Katsu was just Katsu, Chou was too Chou, and Soujirou looked like he'd enjoy it too much. Hiko, of course, had to go into great detail about why he would not be the candidate, and his reasoning indirectly volunteered Kenshin for one member of the experimental team.

"Shit Kenshin... well let's get this over with..." Sanosuke took a step toward the red-haired man and opened up his arms. Kenshin braced himself, tempted to shut his eyes.

"Dammit!" Sano paused and raised his fists angrily. "Why the hell do you all have to keep staring at us? I can't do this under this kind of pressure! It's embarrassing!"

Yahiko and Yutarou started snickering, reinforcing the ex-gangster's complaint.

"Fine." Saitoh jabbed his fresh cigarette into his ashtray angrily. "Everyone cover your eyes so this moron will do his job." He demonstrated the procedure and slowly the other warriors followed, covering their closed eyes with their hands.

Once Sanosuke was sure no one was looking, he took the last step toward his friend and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him awkwardly. Kenshin didn't resist, but he didn't add to the procedure either.

Saitoh watched the whole thing through the obvious cracks between his fingers. "Hmmm..." He said thoughtfully, eliciting a startled reaction from the ex-gangster who released the former rurouni and backed away angrily. Yahiko and Yutarou started laughing at his response; they'd obviously been watching the entire event through their fingers as well.

"Try hugging him back, Battousai."

Kenshin glared at the former Shinsengumi, his eyes flecking with amber for a brief moment before turning back to their normal shade of violet. "Don't call me Battousai."

"Fine. _Himura_, try hugging him back."

Saitoh's no-nonsense tone somehow worked on the two men who hesitantly drew each other into another awkward embrace. Nothing happened.

"Well, nothing happened." Sano finally pulled away, aimed a glare at the snickering teens, and then turned back to face Saitoh. "Did you think that would really work? The two of us hugging?"

"No. I just wanted to see if you two morons would actually do it." Saitoh took a nice long drag of his cigarette while Sano started ranting and Kenshin 'oro-ed'. Once things had quieted down _slightly_, the former Shinsengumi continued smugly. "From what everyone's said, it's fairly obvious that it doesn't have to be mutual contact."

"Then what's the trick?" Katsu rubbed at his chin thoughtfully. The ex-gangster was still stomping around the room but everyone ignored him easily.

"It seems we're missing a certain element." Aoshi said thoughtfully. "I guess there's nothing more we can learn by experimenting... Let me try and uncover the information." The ninja moved toward the door, not waiting for consensus because he simply wanted to solve the problem as quickly as possible. When the door flew open before he reached it, Aoshi had no way of knowing how soon their questions would be answered.

"AOSHI-SAMA!"

They'd been gone long enough to draw suspicion from their female counterparts. Being a ninja and the current okashira of the Oniwabanshu put Makimachi Misao in the best position to go hunting them down. When her query was in front of her eyes, she did what came natural.

Misao hurled herself into the tall man's embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him close. She knew full well that he would probably yell at her later. She didn't care though, they hadn't come back as soon as they'd promised and she was overjoyed to find him safe and unharmed. She hoped that Aoshi would excuse her lapse in judgment.

It was remarkable to Misao to think that her Aoshi could ever possibly improve his ninja skills and reflexes. But if she wasn't mistaken, he had indeed improved. Somehow the man dodged out of her way, leaving her to fly into the room as though she had never encountered his body at all. And the truly mysterious thing, she had his black body suit, ninja attire, and the infamous trench coat in her grasp. The man was amazing, slipping out of her grip _and_ his clothes in one faster-than-light movement.

"Aoshi-sama?" She glanced left and then right, expecting to see him standing off to the side with an admonishing look on his handsome face. But… he was nowhere to be seen. She cursed his ninja speed.

The rest of the men crammed into the small office all stood frozen in shock.

"Mi... Misao-dono..." Kenshin was first to regain some semblance of composure. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to find you guys, of course!" She smiled her charming smile for the former rurouni before she continued looking around the room in search of her man. Glancing down at the pile of clothing in her arms, she noticed that something was squirming. "Wha...?" As she reached her hand inside to search for the source of the movement, half the men in the room closed their eyes while the other half took a step toward her and held out their hands as though they could stop her by simply willing it to be so. Their secret was discovered before they had even figured out all the details.

"Something's moving around in Aoshi's clothes..." Misao stared at the ceiling in concentration as she tried to wrap her fingers around the source. A cocky grin burst on her face as she pulled Aoshi from the confines of his clothes. "I found it!" She exclaimed happily, much to the displeasure of everyone else in the room. But if they thought the situation was bad then, a moment later they were surprised by the horrible turn of events.

"KYAAAAAAA! A SNAKE!" Misao finally noticed what she was holding. "I hate snakes!" The Okashira of the Oniwabanshu sounded terrified. In one quick movement, she twirled the reptile and used the centrifugal force to hurl her one true love down the corridor. In a flash, her kunai were in her hands and she prepared to toss the sharp daggers and impale the offending creature to the far door.

"Misao-dono!" Kenshin lunged for the small ninja woman. At his side there was a familiar flash of white, and both Sanosuke and Kenshin slammed into Misao before she could follow through with the plans that would most certainly end Aoshi's life.

"What are you guys doing?" Misao couldn't help but be indignant. Kenshin and his stupid gangster friend had knocked her right onto the floor. "I was just gonna kill it! You guys know I hate spiders and centipedes and nasty, crawly, scaly things!" The intended recipients of her yelling were strangely absent. It took Misao only a moment more to notice the fact that she was holding Kenshin and Sanosuke's clothing. "Wha...?"

"Great! Just great!" It was Sanosuke's voice, but as far as Misao could tell, the man had completely disappeared. A moment later, a rooster wiggled free of the white gi with the character for evil and seemed to glare angrily at her.

"Rooster... head?" It seemed that the voice had emanated from the animal, but Misao's brain was unable to fully process the information.

Saitoh Hajime walked over to the fallen woman and silently dug through the former rurouni's magenta gi. A moment later he removed another small, seemingly scaly and nasty looking little creature before Misao had her way with it as well. Tossing the seahorse into a cup of water, the man sighed and glanced down the hallway. "Somebody go make sure Shinomori is alive. I think he'd like to be present while we try and explain this whole thing to his okashira."

"At any rate," Katsu seemed even more thoughtful than usual as he stared down at Misao. "I think we've discovered the catalyst."

* * *

Shinomori was bruised and more than a little sore, but other than that he was undamaged from his flight. Sliding into his trench coat, he offered Misao a forgiving look. "It's alright Misao. I'm fine. Really."

Misao looked like she was about to start crying. "I can't believe I did that... to you... I'm so sorry Aoshi!" Taking a step toward him, Aoshi sensed approaching calamity.

He caught hold of her shoulders before she was able to embrace him. "I told you, it's fine."

"I just... I just can't believe that you guys... actually... turn into animals... and why a snake of all things! Aoshi... I hate _snakes..._" She seemed embarrassed to admit as much, but Aoshi tried to cheer her up with one of his pathetic half-smiles. It seemed to do the trick, though the rest of the men in the room were oblivious.

On the floor, Sanosuke busily wrapped his bandages around his ankles. Kenshin and Aoshi had already fully clothed themselves, but the ex-gangster's apparel took a little longer to don. He briefly wished he didn't wrap half his body with the tight white cloth. In the back of his mind he decided that if he transformed into a rooster often, he was going to stop once and for all and wear nothing but his shirt and pants.

Discovering a feather in his pile of bandages, Sano picked it up and looked at it scornfully. "Oh hell... this is the stupidest thing that has ever happened to me..."

"What about the time you got lost on the way to Kyoto?" Yahiko commented from his place on the edge of Saitoh's desk.

"Or how about your first train ride?" Kenshin added with his patented rurouni smile.

"Or remember that time when we were fishing for Captain Sagara and..."

"Shut up! All of you!" Sano bristled with anger. "And at any rate, I'm SURE this is the stupidest thing that has ever happened to me. Who ever heard of turning into a damn rooster? It's like my worst friggin' nightmare! And now weasel girl knows too!"

Misao turned away from Aoshi to face the grumpy ex-gangster. "Don't worry _Rooster_-head, your secret's safe with me."

"Yes." Aoshi commented quietly. "I think it would be for the best that Misao keeps this fact a secret."

"Precisely. Especially after we've seen how _she_ reacted to it." Saitoh leaned back in his seat. "I think for our own safety, it would be best we don't let them find out OR see us transform."

"So it's women that do it, huh?" Yahiko scratched the back of his head. "Makes me sorta wish that Tsubame had stayed in Tokyo."

"Ohhhhhhhh... shit." Sano's jaw dropped open.

"What is it, Sano?" Kenshin glanced over at his friend.

"Women?"

"Weren't we just explaining this?" Saitoh looked bored.

"Well _excuse_ me! I was busy trying to get myself dressed, ya know?" Sano hauled himself to his feet so that he didn't have to stare up at the former Shinsengumi. "And I wasn't really thinking... when you guys said women were the... whatever you said they were."

"Catalyst." Katsu chimed in helpfully.

"Yeah, that thing." Sano nodded, missing the rolled eyes and quiet snickering from the group. "We might as well just tell 'em Kenshin... How can we keep this a secret from Jou-chan and the Fox? If they hug us they find out? We're doomed!"

"Well that's _your_ problem." Saitoh leaned forward at his desk, talking casually as though his orders were a simple matter to follow. "Avoid your women if you have to… at least until we sort this whole mess out. Even though you think your women care about you, what do you think they'll do when they discover you've turned into an animal? At best, they'll be emotionally scarred... at worst..." Saitoh paused to shoot a glance at Misao. "They might try and kill you. So whatever you do, don't let them find out."

"Oh my gosh Saitoh!I totally forgot to mention something." Misao's eyes widened. "Your wife just stopped by the Aoiya. We invited her to stay until you guys leave for Tokyo."

Saitoh's face dropped two shades of color as he stared at the female leader of the Oniwabanshu. "My wife...? Here?"

Misao nodded in response to Saitoh's eloquent question. "Yeah, she said she was worried about you and decided to take the opportunity to get to know all of us better. I didn't think it would be a problem..."

"No, it's not a problem..." Saitoh swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. "It's a catastrophe."

* * *

"I refuse to play along with this nonsense." Enishi folded his arms resolutely and stopped dead in his tracks. "You can't make me come back to your silly Aoiya with all of you fools."

"Then what are you gonna do, white-hair?" Sano glared in his direction. "Ya can't go running off to your loser village while we're all cursed."

"I'll just... go stay at an inn somewhere."

"No Enishi." Kenshin smiled at his brother-in-law. "There's no need for you to waste your money when we can provide you with free accommodations.I insist." Unspoken was the fact that they could not trust Enishi alone. None of them wanted a repeat of the earlier madness.

For one reason or another, Enishi grudgingly consented. Everyone figured it was because he was broke.

"Um, Master?" Kenshin drew Hiko's attention hesitantly as the group of twelve men and one woman moved through the streets of Kyoto.

"What is it, stupid pupil?" Hiko swaggered on, barely paying the short man any attention.

"Why are you coming with us? You've got a home you can return to up in the mountains."

Hiko then gave Kenshin his full, undivided attention. "Are you saying I'm not welcome at the Aoiya? Are you just trying to get rid of me?"

"No... No!" Kenshin disagreed. "It's just that... well... don't you think it will be dangerous for you to go to the Aoiya?" Thoughts of Okon and Omasu filled his head. The two female Oniwabanshu were sure to be around the Aoiya and if Master Hiko made an appearance, they'd be sure to be_ around _him in a very literal sense.

Hiko smiled smugly. "You're just jealous of my popularity, aren't you?"

Kenshin was almost surprised at how well his master read his mind while still being able to misunderstand completely. "You're popularity will only get us in trouble. Remember what will happen if they hug you..."

Hiko waved away his concern. "Don't worry about _me_, stupid pupil. _I'm_ not the one who's married."

* * *

In hindsight, the men of the Kenshin-gumi and company realized they must have looked stupid as they hid in the bushes behind the Aoiya. Even though it was late, everyone was awake and bustling around the building.

"Shit, there's the fox... Looks like she's getting her medical stuff ready." Sano watched the way the lady doctor gracefully gathered together her supplies. Without her purple medical smock, the ex-gangster was allowed to more fully appreciate the curves of her body.

"She expects us to return broken and bloody, like usual." Kenshin added thoughtfully. "At least she'll have _one_ pleasant surprise."

"Hey look. There's Tsubame and Kaoru." Yahiko whispered, pointing toward one of the other open rooms. "Oh man, Tsubame's wearing her favorite kimono." The young swordsman trailed off in embarrassment. Everyone knew it was as much Yahiko's favorite kimono as it was the young waitress's.

Kenshin didn't bother voicing any opinions about how good his wife looked. Knowing that he couldn't hug her made Kenshin want to run straight into the Aoiya and jump into her arms. He resisted the urge.

"I wonder why Tae's here?" Sano commented quietly when he noticed the head waitress of the Akabeko. "She better not of come all this way to force me to pay off my tab."

"Well, actually," Katsu cleared his throat nervously.

"Huh? What is it, buddy?"

Katsu looked sheepish. "I guess now's not the best of times to mention that Tae and I have decided to start seeing each other."

"Really?" Sano laughed and ruffled the Katsu's hair. "You sly dog you!"

"No, I'm no sly dog. But if she hugs me, which is a very good possibility... I _will _be mutton."

"Oooh, yeah... not good." Sano rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.

"Why are we hiding back here?" Even crouched low, Anji still stuck out of the bushes by a good two feet.

"Seriously. This is absolutely ridiculous." Saitoh stood and brushed off his pants in frustration. "When you guys said we had something important to do, I thought you meant it."

"Careful Saitoh! They might see you!" Sano whispered between clenched teeth.

"Moron. We can't avoid them forever."

"They really do look worried about you guys." Soujirou added with a smile. "We shouldn't keep them waiting. And besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?"

No one wanted to answer the question, but a few of them unconsciously glanced at the powerful ninja who had barely survived _his_ first encounter with the opposite sex. In resignation, the men rose to their feet.

They'd survived countless battles to the death in the course of their lives, but more daunting by far was the task that lay before them. Could they survive the night in a house full of women?

* * *

**Author's Notes Part 2**

Yup, I really don't have female counterparts for everyone. But that doesn't matter. There's enough women in the Aoiya to make things tough for them. grin

You guys should all look into finding some fansubbed Fruits Basket's. It really is an awesome series. I've seen up to episode 17 now and I've laughed, cried, and gone "awwwww". It's moving it's way up to my top three favorite Anime of all time. (Under RK and Fushigi Yugi). Good stuff guys!

**Upcoming Part 5:** Some are married, some are in love, and the others are just along for the ride. Will the guys make it though the night without being discovered? Find out in the next chapter!

As always, I'm waiting for your comments! I'm writing this one for you guys, after all!


	5. Alone in the Dark with a Chicken

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: Hoh boy... I'm back! Sorry for the loooooooong wait people. I hope you're all still interested in this one cause I FINALLY figured out what I'm doing with this fic! (and I finally have time to work on it now that school is over for the summer! Yatta!) I've been laughing all day just THINKING about what I'm going to do to the poor men and women of Rurouni Kenshin. I don't usually laugh reading or thinking about my fics people... I hope everything is as funny on screen as it is in my head. *grin* The _real_ humor (or rather, the stuff I was laughing about) will come in next chapter so please look forward to it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. I _might_ be the first person to think of putting them together though... *shrug*

-----------------------

**Juunishi Part 5**

"Alright, we're going in." Clenching one fist in resolution, the tall, lanky, ex-gangster, Sagara Sanosuke gave his companions a firm nod to boost their collective courage. The Aoiya was before them and waiting inside were their woman.

Sanosuke took one brave step out from the cover provided by the Aoiya's greenery. Suddenly crouching low, the ex-gangster raced across the open yard and dove behind another set of bushes much closer to the back of the Aoiya. The sound of multiple openhanded slaps echoed through the night air as more than one member of the cursed team of warriors smacked themselves in the forehead at the ex-gangster's incompetence.

"Idiot I thought we were _through _sneaking around?" In the darkness and shadow of the trees and underbrush, Saitoh Hajime was little more than a pinprick of fire dancing up and down as he spoke. As the Wolf of Mibu stepped into the moonlight, Sanosuke could see the cruel smirk he had wrapped around his ever-present cigarette. "Come on, morons." This comment he aimed at the other men and one woman still hiding in the bushes.

With confidence in his stride, the former third captain of the Shinsengumi began stalking toward the Aoiya's back porch. When he was halfway to Sanosuke's location, a woman's voice rang out from the room closest to the hiding gangster, causing Saitoh to stop in his tracks and stand frozen like a terrified animal.

"Takani-sensei? Where shall I put these extra bandages?" Some recognized the voice, others didn't, but it was obvious to everyone that Saitoh was keenly aware of the identity of the owner.

"Tokio" The name escaped from Saitoh's lips as a whisper and a puff of smoke. In half a heartbeat, the Wolf of Mibu raced the last few yards and dove behind Sanosuke's bush.

"Hmph, 'I thought we were done sneaking around'?" Sanosuke glared at the new addition to his hiding spot disdainfully.

"Be quiet before she hears us!" Saitoh hissed around his cigarette. With ears improved by his new canine sensitivity, the Wolf of Mibu detected the soft footfalls just in time to slam the ex-gangster's head down behind cover of the bush as a back sliding door opened the Aoiya to the cool night breeze.

Saitoh Tokio, a vision of grace and elegance, stood in the newly opened doorway illuminated by the backlight of the indoor lanterns. She inhaled deeply of the fresh outside air while the cursed warriors hunched quietly behind the bushes once again. Whether it was their new animal instincts or not, they all were able to sense the raw fear radiating from the powerful ex-Shinsengumi. If he was afraid to be caught, would _any_ of them be safe?

Tokio exhaled slowly, savoring the cool darkness of a Kyoto night. From their hiding spot, Sanosuke and Saitoh peered through branches and leaves at the woman as she took a step outside. A look of puzzlement came to Tokio's face and she began tentatively sniffing at the air, reminding Sanosuke of her husband's new peculiar activities.

"You think she's been cursed to change into a mutt too?" Sanosuke whispered with a wicked grin. "I bet you two could have fun with _that_."

Saitoh refrained from striking the ignorant ex-gangster into oblivion. If he did, the man would surely let out a death cry and then their location would be compromised. It was primordial fear that stayed his hand The fear that only a married man could ever comprehend.

"Hajime, is that you?"

Choking on his surprise, Saitoh Hajime quickly realized his mistake. Clutching his smoldering cigarette between shaky fingers he crushed the roll of tobacco against the unforgiving earth. Would it be enough? Was his fate already sealed? Would she know that it was him? Had she recognized the smell of his favorite brand of cigarettes? The European imports were costly and hard to come by, surely she would know without a shadow of a doubt. Her wit was sharper than his katana.

"Hajime, you're not out here smoking are you? Stop hiding already and come inside."

The command was issued and his fate was _indeed_ already sealed. Her voice was sweet, but it was lined with steel and certainty. She _knew_ he was outside, and she likely knew his exact whereabouts and all the events that had transpired to keep him hiding in the first place. Her powers of perception knew no bounds! There was no sense in fighting it anymore; Saitoh Hajime knew when he was defeated. He slowly placed his hands on the ground to push himself up to his feet and surrender, causing the annoying ex-gangster's eyes to practically bug out of his head.

"What the hell are you _doing_, Saitoh?" Sanosuke's muted howl of indignation somehow reached Saitoh's ears, and Saitoh's ears alone. He grabbed hold of the Wolf of Mibu and pinned him to the ground, clamping his hand over the other man's mouth to keep him silent.

"Hajime, come inside." Tokio's words caused the ex-Shinsengumi to stir. He pushed against Sanosuke's hold, trying desperately to obey his wife's command.

If not for the look of stark terror in his eyes, Sanosuke would have abandoned the man to his fate. "Get a hold of yourself Saitoh!" It was taking every ounce of strength in his body to hold his unwilling companion down, especially since he was trying to be extra quiet.

"Tokio-san?" It was a different voice, one that caused Sanosuke's head to shoot up so he could peer between the cracks in the bush to try and catch a glimpse of the speaker. "Could you help me with the last load of bandages?"

"Megumi" Sanosuke whispered. Her mere presence made him feel weak in the knees. He decided it was a good thing he was crouched low on the ground with good leverage or else Saitoh would have easily broken free of his hold.

"Is something wrong, Tokio-san?" Megumi took a step out onto the back porch, standing beside Saitoh Hajime's wife and casting cautious glances across the Aoiya's backyard.

"I thought I smelled my husband's special brand of cigarettes and I figured he was out here hiding somewhere. He _knows _I told him to cut back." Shaking her head once, Tokio turned to face the lady doctor with a polite smile. "But I guess since he hasn't come out, he must really not be back here."

Megumi raised an eyebrow. "What makes you say that? The man could be hiding from you."

"I asked him to come out." Tokio stepped back inside the house, followed closely by Megumi. Their conversation faded as they closed the door behind them. "He's never disobeyed me before"

~//~

"What the HELL was THAT???" Sanosuke angrily tossed the ex-Shinsengumi to the ground. Back in the relative safety of the group, he was able to raise the volume of his voice above a bare whisper. "One minute you were confident, the next minute you were scared shitless, and then the NEXT minute you were trying to give away our position!! What the hell is going on in that twisted mind of yours?"

Kenshin put his hand on the ex-gangster's shoulder, trying to quiet him. "Relax Sano, you two didn't get caught and nothing bad happened. Let's try and remain calm."

"Oi, boss?" Chou crouched down and cautiously poked at Saitoh with a stick. The Wolf of Mibu was lying on his back, staring up at the stars unblinkingly. "Dammit man, snap out of it." The blonde agent lifted his commander's upper body off the ground and slapped him full across the face.

Saitoh blinked and sputtered, sitting up in an instant of his own free accord. One trembling hand reached for his shirt pocket and his waiting cigarettes but by sheer force of will he resisted the craving for nicotine.

"You ok, boss?"

"I" Saitoh blinked once in confusion and then pushed himself to his feet. He glanced around at the twelve people hiding in the bushes with him and then caught sight of a certain ex-gangster. His blank look turned savage. "You bastard!!" Lunging for Sanosuke with a feral snarl, Saitoh Hajime wrapped his fingers around the other man's neck. "How DARE you come between me and my wife!! You made me DISOBEY her!"

It took half the group to silence Saitoh and pry his bloodthirsty fingers from the unfortunate ex-gangster's neck. While Sanosuke gasped and staggered around their hiding spot, Chou and Kenshin tried to calm the enraged former Shinsengumi.

Katsu stood with one arm resting inside his gi and the other hand stroking his chin in contemplation. "No doubt about it. Saitoh Hajime is whipped." Anji, Aoshi, and Misao all nodded in agreement. The youngsters, Yahiko and Yutarou cracked up with laughter.

Staggering back toward the group, Sanosuke headed toward his nemesis. "Dammit Saitoh, you bastard. Grow a backbone man! Don't let your wife own you like that!"

It took Kenshin, Chou, and Soujirou to keep Saitoh off the ex-gangster.

"Idiot!" Saitoh growled with all the fury of wounded pride. "You have no idea how much power that woman has! Not one of you pathetic weaklings would have ever been able to secure someone with such amazing beauty, strength, and intelligence as your bride!"

"Judging from the sound of things She's got him completely wrapped around her finger." Katsu continued his analysis, eliciting more nods of agreement and more snickering.

"I'll have you know" Sanosuke took an angry step toward the Wolf of Mibu. "The Fox is an easy match to any woman _you_ could have _ever _picked up!"

"Which is precisely why _you_ haven't been successful in your advances, I'd _imagine_!" Saitoh barked.

"I!" Sanosuke stopped, tripped up in his verbal assault by Saitoh's well-placed attack. In an instant, his frustration boiled over and he would have attacked the ex-Shinsengumi if not for a perfectly aimed ceramic sake cup.

"Yare yare" Hiko rose from his spot in the bushes as Sanosuke crashed to the ground from the force of the thrown object. "We're either going in, or we're not going in But I wish you guys would make up your minds. _I've_ got all the sake _I _need back at my home so if this isn't going to end in a little bit of fun, I'm leaving."

"Leave then." Enishi stated flatly. "No one asked _you_ to come along."

"Maybe I don't want to leave yet? You got a problem with that, psycho-boy?" Hiko's mantle swirled around him menacingly.

"Master Enishi please" Kenshin disentangled himself from Saitoh to come between Hiko and his brother-in-law. "At any rate, it's getting late and we should really go inside. The more time that passes, the more worried they must all be" The red-haired man cast a longing glance toward the Aoiya.

"Fine." Saitoh stopped struggling and glared at his captors. "Let me go you morons." Soujirou and Chou released their hold and took a few steps back to avoid any repercussions that might come there way from the ex-Shinsengumi. "If Battousai is in a hurry to die, then I won't stand in his way. He and I will move in closer to the building and secure our entrance."

"I'm comin' too." Sanosuke huffed from his place on the ground.

"No you're _not_."

"_Yes_ I _am_, dammit!"

"Saitoh" Kenshin turned and shot a pleading look at the Wolf of Mibu. "Just let him come so he'll shut up."

"Kenshin!??" Sanosuke wasn't used to open insults from his best friend.

Saitoh, on the other hand, thought the situation was particularly humorous. With his cruel smirk back in place he ignored the ex-gangster to give Kenshin an affirmative nod. "Alright, the idiot can come. Let's go."

Before Sanosuke could complain, Saitoh and Kenshin crouched low and darted across the yard. Hauling himself to his feet, he raced across the lawn and settled in low beside the former Hitokiri and the ex-Shinsengumi. Kenshin and Saitoh were conversing in a low tone that the ex-gangster could barely make out. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Shhh" Saitoh spat.

"Kaoru, Megumi-dono, and Tokio-dono are all inside the nearest room." Kenshin pointed to the location.

"Alright! I'm going first!" Without waiting for approval, Sanosuke sprinted the last few yards to the raised back porch and crouched low, almost sliding underneath it for cover.

"Moron" Saitoh growled as he hustled over to Sanosuke's new location and crouched beside him. Kenshin joined them a moment later and the three men strained their ears to hear what their respective women were discussing.

~//~

Inside the Aoiya's back room, Megumi readied futons and supplies for the returning warriors who would almost certainly be injured. Every passing minute brought more concerns to mind as the lady doctor tried to plan for any situation they were likely going to have to deal with. She anticipated having to sew up numerous slashing wounds and she knew she would have minor cuts and bruises to deal with, at the very least. In the back of her mind, there was also a certain voice that reminded her with absolute assurance that she would have _one_ patient returning with a shattered hand and any number of other annoying and difficult injuries to patch up.

In frustration at the thought, Megumi slammed down her metal water basin.

"What's wrong Megumi?" Kaoru was stacking rolls of bandages but she wasn't busy enough to miss the waves of emotion rolling off the lady doctor.

In embarrassment, Megumi tried to compose herself. "I was just thinking about that _stupid _rooster." At mention of Sanosuke, all attempts at composure failed.

Kaoru interpreted the confusion and frustration rather accurately. "It really is tough waiting for the guys to return from a fight especially since we never know if they'll return in one piece or not. But there's no need to worry about Sanosuke" Kaoru trailed off, thinking her own thoughts for a moment before she remembered she was trying to cheer up Megumi. With a grin she continued. "He's as resilient as a cockroach."

"I wasn't _worrying_ about him" Megumi snorted belligerently. "I was just thinking about how long it's going to take me to fix him up when he returns. He's probably going to have to be last because I'm certain he'll take the longest time to patch up. That man has no common sense especially when it comes to simple things like defense."

Tokio smiled over at the lady doctor. "But that apparently doesn't stop you from caring deeply for him"

Megumi's jaw dropped.

"There's no need to hide it Takani-sensei It's just us women after all." Tokio slid closer to her companions. "To tell you the truth, it's been a long time since I've had an opportunity to have a little girl talk. As much as I love Hajime, I really wish he'd let me spend more time with all of you."

"Horray, girl talk!" Kaoru clapped her hands together twice while Megumi stared blankly at Saitoh Hajime's wife. "Tokio, I never would have thought you cared about stuff like this."

"Of course I do!" Tokio voice held mock-offense. "Any woman in her right mind loves to get together with her female friends and discuss their male counterparts. It's perfectly natural! So spill the beans, Takani-sensei! What's up with you and the _rooster_?"

"I I" Megumi could only stutter.

"You'll have to excuse her Tokio-san. Megumi's still trying to come to terms with her and Sano's relationship." Before the lady doctor could stop her friend, Kaoru excitedly launched into a brief explanation of the situation. "It basically goes like this: She's in love with him and he's in love with her but neither of them can admit it to the other. So instead, all they do is bicker and fight and insult each other to compensate. Isn't it cute?"

"Kaoru, that's _enough_!" Megumi roared. "How can you sit there with a straight face and sum up my relationship problems like they're some kind of joke? I'm in _LOVE_ with a man who's completely clueless and probably doesn't even think about serious things like a _real_ relationship!"

"Did you two just hear a strange 'poof' noise?"

Tokio's distracted look and comment caused Megumi to bang the tatami floor in frustration. "You're not even LISTENING to me!" She wailed.

"Be quiet for a minute Megumi." Kaoru stood and took a step toward the back sliding doors. "There was a strange noise, and I could swear I just heard Kenshin say 'oro'!" Kaoru paused a moment and then rushed toward the door. "They must be back!"

~//~

"You hear that guys? She's in _love _with me! I knew it! I knew it! Whoohoo!" It was then that Sanosuke realized he'd turned into a rooster. "WHAT THE HELL? I didn't hug NOBODY!"

Kenshin slammed his hand over his friend's beak. "Orororo Sano be quiet before they hear us."

"What happened?" Saitoh sounded frantic. "He transformed without contact!" The implication of the new possible threat was terrifying. "Let's get out of here!" He was on his feet in a flash, ready to bolt for safety.

"Are you running away, Saitoh?"

The former third captain of the Shinsengumi paused and regarded the god-like swordsman briefly. "With my tail between my legs." Without another word he started racing across the yard.

"Stop right there, Hajime!" Tokio's voice held absolute power over the poor man. "What are you doing running around in the dark? You haven't been out here smoking this whole time have you? You haven't been _spying_ on us _have_ you?"

Saitoh could only whimper and slowly turn around. He'd been caught red-handed on all counts. Now he could only hope for a quick execution.

"Where's everyone else?" Tokio continued speaking, now with her hands placed angrily on her hips. Saitoh slowly pointed one hand toward the far bushes and the other toward Kenshin and Sano's hiding spot. Kaoru and Megumi took a cautious step out and peeked over the edge of the raised porch.

Kenshin, holding a violently squirming rooster, managed to smile weakly up at his wife. "Oro Good evening Kaoru-dono, Megumi-dono."

"Don't you 'dono' me, Himura Kenshin!" Kaoru huffed and hopped off the porch to haul her husband to his feet by his ear. "What are you and Saitoh doing out here, alone, in the dark, with a chicken?"

"Maybe we _don't_ want him to answer that question." Megumi giggled and caught a glare from her younger friend. The lady doctor quickly cleared her throat and changed the subject. "So where's everyone else?"

The troop of downcast warriors sulked out from the shadows of the Aoiya greenery and headed slowly over to the others. A quick head count was all Megumi needed to realize that someone was missing, especially since he was the one she was unconsciously searching for. "Where's Sanosuke?" She turned back and aimed her question at the former rurouni.

"Umm" Furious squawking and thrashing from the chicken interrupted Kenshin's further comments as he tried to get the bird under control.

"He's not injured is he?" There was genuine concern in the lady doctor's tone. Kenshin and the chicken both stopped fighting each other and stared at Megumi.

"Um No he he's not. He's just uh" Kenshin glanced around frantically at his companions who were silently crowding around him.

"He's just going to be a little late is all." Katsu stepped forward, quick on his feet and always ready to make up random excuses. "He said something about picking up some sake for a victory celebration."

"You know Sano!" Yahiko added with an exaggerated grin.

"That idiot" Megumi clenched her fists at her side. "He's worried about drinking and partying while the rest of us have been worried sick?" The fox lady reached out, snatching the rooster away from Kenshin and dangling it by its legs. "Well, since none of you seem to be injured, I'll make myself useful and start preparing dinner" Turning around, Megumi stomped inside the Aoiya, her captive helpless and squawking in her grasp.

-----------------------

Oh man... I have some fun stuff in store for all you people who are out there reading and enjoying this fic. Please review this baby and let me know if you're still enjoying it and want to see it continued. If no one is reading it anymore, I'd be VERY SAD!

**Upcoming Part 6:** Anyone know what foxes do to chickens? It's dinner time. Can the men of the Kenshin-gumi save their fine, feathered, friend before he ends up plucked, battered, and deep fried? Or will they simply accept the loss as unavoidable and enjoy their meal? *snicker* Either way, you won't wanna miss it!


	6. Out of the Frying Pan

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: Hmmm... Next chapter will get into the so-called 'funny stuff' I've been laughing about. Couldn't fit it in this time cause I just had to torment my favorite rooster first. Answers to a couple questions/comments. **Karina: **Nopers, Sano would not have turned back into a human when Megumi grabbed him. In fact, he'll remain in animal form as long as she's got a hold of him. (I think... ehehe) Anyone care to argue the point? *grin* **dementedchris:** Yup, I know that they transform when they're sick and weak. Here's a question though, what about when they're injured? Does that sort of work out like weakness and sickness combined? *ponder* Anyone's free to comment on the matter. **EVERYONE:** Thanks for your continued interest in this crazy fic! I can't believe it hit **100 reviews**! (that's my FIRST and I was pretty excited!) Please keep 'em coming and I'll keep the chapters flowin'! There's plenty more humor, some interesting romance elements, and some adventure coming up! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. I _might_ be the first person to think of putting them together though... *shrug* Also, please excuse the characters from their stupidity and any and all OOCness. It's not their fault, it's mine... And I like it. *grin* 

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**Juunishi Part 6**

If not for Saitoh Hajime's intervention, Himura Kenshin would have only stared in shock and utter incomprehension as his best friend, turned rooster, was hauled away towards the kitchen.

"You know what foxes do to chickens right?" Saitoh stood only a foot away from the former Hitokiri and delivered his whispered line with a grin as they watched Megumi's retreating back. There was something else flashing in his eyes besides amusement, but by the time Kenshin realized what it was, it had entirely disappeared. Saitoh would never openly admit it, but he was worried about the ex-gangster.

"They eat them" Kenshin allowed reality to sink in. "Megumi-dono, wait!"

All eyes were suddenly riveted to the red-haired swordsman. What could the man possibly say to save their companion?

"What is it, Ken-san?" Megumi's irritation was evident.

"That rooster! It's!" Kenshin hazarded a glance at his fellow cursed warriors. He was about to give away their secret but not one of them seemed to be objecting. They may have been indifferent to Sanosuke's plight, but they certainly weren't going to try and stop the Hitokiri Battousai from speaking. "That rooster is _Sanosuke_!" Their cover was blown, but it was probably all for the better.

Kaoru, Tokio, and Megumi silently eyed Kenshin and the others as though they expected any one of them to start laughing at any moment.

Megumi was the one to shatter the silence. "_Very_ funny Ken-san" Only one woman could contain such an ocean of sarcasm in such a short statement. "One minute you tell me he's out getting sake and the next you tell me he's turned into a chicken? Riiiiight..." Turning on her heels, the lady doctor resumed her journey to the kitchen. 

Things weren't going as he'd expected. They'd all decided not to reveal information about their curse because they weren't sure how the woman would handle it. Kenshin quickly realized that it wasn't something they could explain lightly. "I'm serious Megumi-dono!" He summoned all the gravity that he could to his words and pointed to the chicken. "We weren't going to tell you, but Sanosuke's turned into that rooster! Go ahead Sano, say something. There is no sense getting killed over this, that there is not!"

Megumi humored her red-haired friend by lifting the upside down rooster to eye level. "You got something to say little guy?" It was difficult to talk to the creature with a straight face, but the fox felt like playing. Unfortunately, whatever the bird might have added in its defense was forever left unsaid. The rooster had lost consciousness.

"He's passed out" Katsu made the brilliant observation. "The terror of the situation must have overloaded his brain."

"Well that's not hard to do." Yahiko manged a grin. "We _are_ talking about Sano here."

"So you're _all_ in on this little joke, are you?" Megumi glared from Yahiko to Katsu and then back to Kenshin. "This _has_ to be Sano's idea. He must have finally gotten tired of me calling him rooster-head all the time and thought up this little plot." Megumi lowered her voice and did a terrifyingly realistic impression of the freeloading street fighter's masculine slang. "_Hey guys, let's tell Megumi and the others that I've been cursed to turn into a chicken. Then she'll be sorry for insultin' me all the time. He he he_" The lady doctor quit her frightening impression and shook her fist angrily in the cursed warriors' direction. "What kind of an idiot does he take me for, _huh_?" In her grasp, the rooster flopped around lifelessly. "This has to be one of the stupidest things you've _ever _thought up, SAGARA SANOSUKE!!" Megumi's impressive crescendo indicated to everyone that she figured Sano was somewhere close by listening in on the whole conversation.

"Megumi dono" Kenshin held out one hand weakly, silently entreating the lady doctor to believe his earlier confession.

"That's _enough_ Ken-san." Megumi was exasperated and she didn't bother hiding the fact. "I'm disappointed that you'd go along with something this ridiculous. You can just go and tell Sanosuke that his little joke was a failure. I don't want to see either of you the rest of the night. You got that? You can drink yourselves into oblivion for all _I_ care!" The long, silky mass of the lady doctor's hair whipped and bounced around her shoulders as Megumi turned and marched toward the kitchen with finality.

With a glance toward Tokio, Saitoh slammed his hand down on Kenshin's shoulder in an extremely rare show of familiarity. "Well then, shall we go tell the idiot his little joke's over?" Without waiting for a response, Saitoh half dragged the crestfallen swordsman around the side of the Aoiya, leaving the rest of the cursed warriors to their own devices.

~//~

"That was a _close_ one" Saitoh sighed and leaned against the building as he reached inside his shirt pocket for his nicotine fix.

"_Close_ one?" Kenshin stared incredulously at the ex-Shinsengumi. "It's more than a '_close one_'. If you didn't notice, Sano's been captured and is about to be killed and eaten!"

"Relax. We've escaped from our women so now it will be a simple matter to retrieve the idiot before the fox lops his fool head off." The old confident Saitoh was back. "We should be thankful to him for providing us a distraction. As long as I was in Tokio's presence, I was powerless to do anything against her will"

"So I've noticed." Kenshin rolled his eyes. "I never would have thought that the mighty Saitoh Hajime would be brought low by a woman."

"Don't mock me, _Battousai_." Saitoh growled. "This is no laughing matter. I'd have separated the rooster from his head if she'd asked me to! I'm not usually this susceptible to her desires and commands. I think it has something to do with our curse."

Kenshin blinked once. "Oro?"

"Dogs are sometimes very loyal creatures, are they not? Since procuring our curse my propensity to obey my wife has been increased one-hundred fold, at the very least."

It seemed plausible, so Kenshin nodded thoughtfully. But somewhere in the back of his mind, Kenshin had a suspicion that the 'mighty Saitoh Hajime' was just trying to save face in light of his embarrassing display.

After a moment, Saitoh nervously cleared his throat. "So anyway. Let's go see about rescuing your pathetic friend."

~//~

"Everyone's acting strangely" Kaoru stepped inside the kitchen and came to her friend's side. The lady doctor did not acknowledge her presence as she angrily slammed a knife against the cutting board, slicing vegetables. The unconscious rooster was locked securely in a wooden crate on one of the counters.

Even though she had a feeling she was being ignored, Kaoru continued in the hope that Megumi would open up to her. "Yahiko wouldn't even make eye contact with me and Misao barely replied when I asked her where she'd found the guys. She grabbed Aoshi and practically ran away when I tried to ask her another question I think there's something suspicious going on."

Megumi's only reply was the continued crack of steel against wood as she chopped away. She was glaring angrily enough at the vegetables that she probably could have sliced them with her eyes alone.

"Megumi? What's wrong?"

"What's _wrong_??" Megumi furiously stabbed the knife into the cutting board, leaving it reverberating in the wood as she turned to face Kaoru. "I'm a complete _idiot_! _That's_ what's _wrong_! I've been wasting my time and my emotions worrying and caring about that idiot and then he goes and pulls this crap!" Megumi's shoulders slumped and her anger slowly seeped from her body. "I'm tired of it Kaoru I just want the man to grow up. If he doesn't soon I'm giving up on him"

A slow smile of disbelief spread across Kaoru's features. "Suuuure you are Megumi"

"I mean it!" Megumi ripped the knife free from its new holder and waved it threateningly at nothing in particular. "I'm completely serious this time!"

"That's what you _always_ say." Kaoru laughed easily.

"Stop laughing!" Megumi ordered and then spun around to face the wooden crate. "And _you_! _What_ do you think _you're_ staring at!?"

Kaoru turned to see that the rooster was conscious and on its feet, staring blankly at the two of them. "Megumi You're talking to a chicken" Megumi gritted her teeth in frustration and turned around for round two with the vegetables. Meanwhile, Kaoru ambled over to the crate and bent over so she could look at the poor little caged animal that was about to become their dinner. It looked so pathetic and afraid that Kaoru couldn't help _herself _from chatting with the thing. "You sure are an unlucky one I have a feeling that Megumi's going to take out all of her frustrations on you."

The rooster slunk back in what could only have been a sign of absolute fear.

Kaoru grinned and straightened up as a thought popped into her head. "Do you think animals can understand people?" If anyone had an answer for the silly question, it would be the knowledgeable lady doctor.

"No."

"Hey guys!" Misao bounded inside the kitchen, startling Kaoru in the process. "I've got a question for you. Are you two more afraid of snakes or rats?"

Seta Soujirou's cheerful voice called out from the hallway. "Or what about bunnies?"

Kaoru slowly turned and found the lady doctor looking just as confused as she felt.

"Huh?" Was all Megumi could manage in way of a reply.

"No Misao" Shinomori Aoshi's sudden appearance couldn't even startle the two dumbfounded women. "You're doing this all wrong." The ninja hauled his okashira out of the kitchen, leaving two very perplexed women behind.

"What was that all about?" The lady doctor inquired of her friend.

"I have no clue"

~//~

"Have you learned nothing about information gathering during your time as an Oniwabanshu?" Aoshi didn't want to chastise the young ninja woman, but he couldn't help it. She'd almost ruined the mission with her incompetence. "You were supposed to discern the information more discreetly."

In the hallway beside him, Soujirou, Yahiko, and Yutarou all nodded along with Aoshi's statement. Misao seemed to wither under the combined assault.

"Yeah weasel girl, you screwed up." Yahiko added. "Even _Yutarou_ would have handled it better."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yutarou and Misao hurled the question at the young swordsman.

"Listen all of you." Aoshi took control of the situation before it could deteriorate further. "Himura and Saitoh have disappeared, so it's up to us to rescue the ex-gangster. We have an easy diversion at our fingertips if only we can discover where their fears lie. Misao, watch and learn as I handle this situation."

Aoshi swished past his companions and down the hallway to the kitchen. The others followed discreetly, waiting outside while the ninja 'worked his magic'.

"Ladies" The Oniwabanshu was obviously addressing Kaoru and Megumi. "Forgive Misao for her outburst. It is only that she wanted to warn you about our pest problem here at the Aoiya."

"Pest problem?" Kaoru and Megumi chimed in together.

"Yes. We've had massive numbers of _nasty_ _crawly_ creatures like _snakes_ and _rats_ infesting the kitchen area lately. They are quite _disgusting _and as women I understand that you have an inclination to have a natural _fear_ of such things. Do not hesitate to scream and yell for assistance if you are plagued by any of these little beasts. I will be quick to offer you my assistance in dispatching them, and all you'll have to do is come find me if I do not rush to your assistance right away."   
  
"Um thanks Aoshi-san I think." Kaoru was obviously bewildered by the professional ninja's words.

"I don't think we'll be needing your assistance though, Shinomori-san." Megumi's resolute voice floated out to the hallway. "If something comes slithering in here, it's as good as dead."

Her last word was punctuated by an exceptionally loud clatter of steel on wood, causing Yahiko, Yutarou, Soujirou, and Misao to flinch.

"Right then well Have a nice day." With a slight quaver to his voice, Shinomori Aoshi made a beeline straight for the kitchen exit. What he didn't realize was that Misao was standing right by the doorway, waiting for him as he barreled around the corner.

Intimidation and animalistic terror clouded his thoughts and decreased his reflexive skills. Vengeful animal spirits and Misao did the rest.

It was certainly bad enough having Aoshi instantly transformed into a snake as he slammed into Misao, but the problem was compounded when the young ninja woman lost her balance and teetered backwards into her other companions.

~//~

A clatter of bodies and mysterious 'poof' noises initially alerted Kaoru and Megumi to the strangeness happening in the hallway. They would have ignored it and continued with dinner preparations if Misao's shrill scream hadn't pierced their eardrums.

"Misao-chan! What's wrong?" Kaoru was out of the kitchen in a flash with a broom in her hand serving as a makeshift weapon. Megumi was close behind with her trusty knife.

Sitting on her butt in a pile of familiar clothing, Misao was staring down in shock at a decent sized serpent that seemed to be staring right back at her. Its head rose off the ground and its tongue flicked out once, tasting the air.

"KYAAA!! I HATE snakes!!" Misao wailed as she propelled herself backwards with her feet and hands. A rat and a rabbit poked their heads up from the collection of clothing as the ninja girl scooted by.

"Aoshi's right, they've got an infestation of critters" Kaoru watched Misao retreat away from the animals. If she'd had a little more time to think, she might have stopped to question why Aoshi, Yahiko, Soujirou, and Yutarou's clothes were piled up in the hallway, but questions like that could wait for later. "Let's take care of this Megumi!"

Kaoru and Megumi stalked toward the three animals that remained motionless for a moment, looking up at them with large fearful eyes. As one, the rat, the rabbit, and the snake started off in Misao's direction, eliciting a terrified squeal from the ninja girl as they hopped, crawled, and slithered over her. Megumi and Kaoru hurried after them, weapons poised and ready to strike.

They had barely disappeared around a corner when an adorable little monkey threw off the clothing that was concealing it and jumped over to Misao.

"Go save the others Misao! I'll get Sano!" Without waiting for confirmation, Yahiko scuttled off into the kitchen.

"Ahalright." Misao collected her emotions and got to her feet. If she didn't have personal relationships with the animals in question, she never would have willingly rushed off after such disgusting little beasties. "At least Soujirou isn't nasty and crawly" She muttered under her breath as she chased off after her friends.

~//~

"I'm finally alone! This is my chance!" Sagara Sanosuke pulled back one white-feathered wing and let it fly toward the side of the crate. "FUTAE NO KIWAMI!"

Nothing happened. It was a valiant effort but one that was destined to fail. His wings were not constructed anywhere near as conveniently as his hands when it came to things like punching.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!"

Ramming against the side of the cage with his body proved to be a little more effective. He could feel the entire thing moving and sliding closer to the edge of the counter. Once it had gone far enough it started teetering and he was allowed a brief introspective moment to consider whether his idea was such a clever one or not. The wooden crate crashed to the floor, jostling him around roughly inside. Unfortunately, the construction was solid enough to withstand what little damage he was able to inflict upon it in his cumbersome body.

"Sanosuke!?" Yahiko's voice was the most welcomed sound that Sanosuke could remember hearing in a long time.

"Yahiko!! Hurry and get me out of here!" Sanosuke expected the dark, spiky haired boy to lift the cage from the floor and unfasten the door. Instead, he was startled by the appearance of a small monkey. "Oh HELL!"

"Relax Sano, I'll find a way to get you out of here." The monkey jumped against the crate, wrapping its little fingers around the wooden bars and pulling back with all the might in its small body.

"You'll never open it like that Yahiko ya gotta find the door and open it for me. You should be able to do that, cause at least you've got thumbs!"

"Yeah, but Sano You're standing on the door" Yahiko's mournful face pressed up against the bars as he pointed to the floor.

The little monkey was right. In the process of knocking over the crate, he'd inadvertently toppled it on its side. They'd either have to flip it back or break a new door.

"I'm doomed" Sano slumped to the ground. "Megumi's gonna kill me and eat me"

"Hold on Sanosuke! Don't give up yet!"

"Yahiko's right, Sano!" A new voice filled the monkey and rooster with hope. "Saitoh and I will get you out of there."

"KENSHIN!" Sanosuke stuck his long rooster neck out of the cage and stared back up in the direction of the voice. Yahiko jumped on top of the crate and then leapt up onto the counter.

"What are you two doing outside?" Yahiko inquired.

"We were going to sneak in while Megumi wasn't looking." Kenshin replied helpfully. "Saitoh, lift me up a little higher."

A grumbled compliant was followed by a hasty expletive from the Wolf of Mibu. "Oh shit! Tokio's coming!"

The distant sound of a woman's voice heralded more cursing and an 'oro' or two from the men outside the kitchen window.

"I'm outta here!" Saitoh yelped.

"Wait, Saitoh! You can't go yet! You have to help me inside first!" Kenshin cried out in surprise and Yahiko watched his face disappear from the window.

"Kenshin?? KENSHIN???" There was no reply to Yahiko's frantic entreaties.

"Oh NO! What the hell am I supposed to do NOW!?" Sano's meager hopes for freedom were dashed.

"Uhhh" Yahiko jumped back to the side of the counter. "I'll think of something Sano! Just give me a minute." The monkey furiously scratched the back of its head trying to promote the appearance of useful ideas. "I know!" It was as though a light bulb had gone off in the young swordsman's mind. "You'll just have to wait for me to transform back into a human!"

"Back into a human??" The suggestion was more of a reminder to Sanosuke than it was a possible escape plan. As if the realization triggered the reaction, a cloud of colored smoke suddenly surrounded the rooster. The cage was ill suited to containing a human body and the wood cracked and splintered. "Ow ow ow ow" Sanosuke hissed as he rubbed the back of his head. Feeling the familiar strands of wayward hair, the ex-gangster jumped to his feet with a cry of jubilation.

"Not to rain on your parade or anything Sano But I think I hear Kaoru and Megumi coming this way And you're not exactly wearing any clothes"

~//~

"Well, we definitely scared them off" Kaoru said triumphantly.

"Hmmm It would have been better if we'd killed them so they don't keep coming back." Megumi sighed.

Misao hurried around the two women. "Well, uh Thanks for your help guys. I'll just grab the batch of laundry and be on my way." The okashira stooped to collect the large pile of clothing as Megumi and Kaoru walked on into the kitchen.

The sight that confronted them was one they would not have predicted in a hundred years. A completely naked Sagara Sanosuke was kneeling on the counter with his back toward them. His hands were outstretched as he lifted something out the high kitchen window.

"Run little guy! Save yourself!" Sano called out to the animal that he'd freed from the confines of the kitchen. There was only one likely candidate that Megumi could come up with as she noticed the empty and shattered crate on the floor.

"WHAT in the world?" Megumi's icy voice caused the ex-gangster to freeze. The well-defined muscles on his back and thighs rippled as he tensed. Kaoru could only stand there and stare as Megumi continued. "Don't tell me that you snuck into the kitchen naked to save that stupid rooster"

-----------------------

My apologies to anyone who's found themselves laughing loud enough to get in trouble with their neighbors while reading any part of this fic. And a special apology to **Karina Kineshi** for making her think about chicken when she was abstaining from food for 48 hours.

**Upcoming Part 7:** It's out of the frying pan and into the fire. When it becomes obvious that survival in the house calls for extreme measures, Sanosuke's the man with the plan. His suggestion opens the door to a whole new world of misadventures for the men of the Kenshin-gumi... You definately don't wanna miss it. 


	7. Into the Fire

Author: Arashi (marenski@hotmail.com)

Website: www.kenkaya.com

Author's Notes: Thanks to **lunny** (welcome back!) and **dementedchris** for their answers to my question! I've also taken some suggestions from the reviews of **dementedchris (**more Aoshi fun coming your way!) and **Jason M. Lee**. If there's something **you** think would be particularly hilarious feel free to leave it in a review and you might see it pop up in my other chapters! Thanks to everyone out there's who's reading and reviewing! Hope you get a kick out of this chapter! Next one is going to be a little different. But hopefully no less funny... *gulp* (Yeah, the stuff I've been thinking about isn't fully covered till the end of this chapter and next! Stay tuned!) 

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or Fruits Basket. That's... probably a good thing. 

Warnings: Severe Sano-bias (I can't help it!! WAAAH), nudity, name calling, clothes swapping, OOCness, and hentai situations. I'm hitting an all-time-low. Don't take any part of this fic seriously... That's an order!! As for the OOCness... I'd blame it on the curse... Hey, that excuse works for Saitoh, why not me? 

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****

**Juunishi Part 7**

"Fox Jou-chan Look, I can explain _everything_." Hands clamped protectively over his manhood, Sagara Sanosuke began slowly inching his way toward the edge of the kitchen counter with his back facing the two women. Once he was at the edge he hopped off and half turned so he could see the infuriated look on one of the women's faces and the look of quiet amazement on the other. 

"You've got ten seconds" Megumi's voice held an unmasked threat. 

Sanosuke most certainly wanted to spend those ten seconds coming up with a decent lie. The truth was out of the question since he figured Megumi and Kaoru would never believe his story about turning into a rooster and the little Yahiko monkey he had to save. Unfortunately for him, he was having trouble concentrating on anything other than how attractive the fox was when she was angry. It certainly didn't help that he was standing in her presence naked. Why, if Megumi were only in a similar circumstance the two of them could probably And that was the end of reasoning for Sagara Sanosuke. He had to spend his allotted ten seconds counting quietly and willing himself back under control. 

"Time's up You'd better start talking" Megumi sounded quite serious. Sano could only sigh as he turned around to face his punishment. Adding insult to injury was the fact that even though _he _was getting thrown off balance by his situation and her proximity, _she_ seemed completely impervious to any similar effect. For a moment, the ex-gangster started doubting his physical attractiveness. Shouldn't the sight of him naked be enough to leave any woman helplessly in his control? Apparently that thought was wrong, she wasn't even looking at his body Instead, her smoldering eyes were locked with his. 

"Well, now that I think about it I really can't explain any of this" He slapped on the cockiest most tantalizing grin he could muster and hoped that his charm would save him from the fox's impending wrath. 

Maybe all her secret talk of loving him was a sack of lies? 

That's the thought that popped into his head as she chucked a large metal pan in his direction screaming, "Sagara Sanosuke, you PERVERT! Get out of this kitchen!!" 

He might not have been able to parry the verbal assault, but there was no way he was going to allow himself to be completely clobbered by the large flying frying pan. The attacks of their women were more devastating than _any_ attack from _any_ enemy the men of the Kenshin-gumi _ever_ fought. Even Kenshin, the greatest swordsman in all of Japan, was powerless against his wife's assault. Raising his hands to protect his face, Sanosuke had to take a step backwards for balance as the pan slammed into his forearms and bounced off harmlessly. Expecting subsequent attacks, he kept his hands up to shield his face and his eyes clenched shut. 

The expected attacks never came as an eerie silence settled in around him. Eventually, Sanosuke opened his eyes and peered through the holes in his defense. Megumi and Kaoru had gone deathly pale and their eyes were riveted to something below his waistline. Glancing down hastily, Sanosuke quickly realized the source of their strange reaction. By using his arms to protect his face, he'd left himself wide-open somewhere else 

In light of the new development, time decided to come to a complete halt to allow the two women as much time as they desired in soaking up the sight before their eyes. With some relief, Sanosuke realized that his life would be spared. There was very little the women could do to him when they were reduced to jaw dropping and staring. He stood confidently, allowing them to get their fill and fighting the urge to start posing. If there was one thing he was completely confident of, they were staring at it. 

"Wow" Kaoru's awestruck voice broke the spell that seemed to have been cast upon all the two women standing in the kitchen of the Aoiya. 

For Megumi, this was indeed a momentous occasion. Even though she'd never admit it, she'd privately wondered to herself about the ex-gangster's 'inheritance'. As a doctor, she'd discovered some easy methods to discerning things by carefully studying other parts of the subject's body. How many hours had she spent staring down at his right hand while she bandaged it wondering to herself about something _other_ than his injuries? After she'd noticed how long and powerful his fingers were, it was only natural that she would tie it in with other parts of his body. Yes, his lanky build had certainly boded well for his potential. Megumi was surprised at how inaccurate her predictions were, when confronted by the evidence. 

"My God it's it's" The fox stammered as she felt embarrassment creeping up her neck. The situation was finally catching up with her. 

"Wow" Kaoru repeated, unable to find words to describe. "And I thought my Kenshin was endowed I I had no idea"

"K s s stop staring at him" Megumi couldn't even pull her eyes away as she delivered the shaky command. "You're married" 

Kaoru ignored her. 

Many men might have been embarrassed by the situation. Of course, real embarrassment would have stemmed from feelings of inferiority and Sagara Sanosuke was free from _those_. He could have strutted around completely naked without a care in the world if society hadn't dictated that nudity was wrong with the coming of western influences. Even the clothes that he deigned to wear hardly did a proper job of covering him up. Not to mention his propensity to discarded his shirt and his bandages when he was hot. He'd even been known to walk around in nothing but his underwear when he was in his room in the longhouse. 

"Hmmm Now that I have your full and undivided attention" Sanosuke smirked. "I really should be taking off." Few men could have held their composure and managed to look so sexy as they swaggered naked out of some public room. Kaoru and Megumi were bolted to the floor but that didn't keep their heads from turning as he sauntered on by. 

In the hallway, Misao had succeeded in collecting her friends' clothing. She would have headed out to find them except for the situation happening in the kitchen. Instead, she waited patiently outside, afraid to peek inside but also afraid to run off in the event that the rooster would need her help. Sano seemed to manage just fine and when he stepped out into the hallway, Misao felt her jaw drop as she gaped at his impressive nakedness. 

The ex-gangster reached out affectionately and patted Misao on the head. "Ahhh the weasel likes what she sees too, hey? I'd love to stay and play with you fine ladies, but I think I'd better get out of here before the fox and the tanuki come to their senses." He grabbed the first article of clothing off the pile and pulled it on, grinning at Misao as he did. "I'll just borrow this to keep the rest of the ladies in the Aoiya off me." 

Sagara Sanosuke slid off leaving three shocked and astounded women in his wake. It was only after he'd disappeared deeper into the Aoiya that Misao truly registered what had happened. Sure, she may not have realized how attractive he was until he was standing in front of her naked, but that wasn't the thought that was on her mind. The unfortunate ex-gangster had made one big mistake as he left. The garment hugging his body was none other than Aoshi's infamous trench coat, and the former okashira didn't take kindly to other people wearing his most prized article of clothing. 

"Oh no! I have to get that back before Aoshi sees him!" Misao hustled down the hallway with her bulky pile of clothing, intent on retrieving the sacred trench coat. 

~//~

"I think we lost her" Saitoh panted as he leaned against one of the walls of the Aoiya. At his side, Kenshin tried to get his own breathing under control. Saitoh Hajime's wife had some incredible stamina when it came to chasing around her husband. 

"Oooooooooh Haaaaaaajime!? Where aaaaaaare you??" Tokio's singsong voice startled both men. She was close and heading in their direction. 

"Run!" Saitoh didn't have to say it; Kenshin had already learned the pattern well enough. They hadn't been able to shake her by circling around the building, so the ex-Shinsengumi darted up on the porch and through the open door, hoping that they'd have better luck inside. A quickly moving pile of laundry slammed into him and together, they tumbled back onto the floor as random pieces of clothing flew into the air. 

"Finally, I've caught you!" Tokio shouted triumphantly as she walked up behind Kenshin who seemed to have frozen in place. The former Hitokiri was not her prey and she moved on past him to retrieve her husband. On the floor, a pile of moving laundry was obviously hiding the man. Walking up, she stripped away the first couple layers and revealed, to her dismay, the small ninja woman. 

"Oh, Misao-chan I thought you were my husband. He's been playing hard to get lately, but I was thinking it's time for the two of us to turn in for the night because it's getting late Have you seen him?"

"Uhhhhh" Misao's eyes unconsciously drifted to a separate pile of moving clothing. 

"Oh!" Tokio was overjoyed that her chase was finally over. "There you are Hajime!" She tossed off the concealing clothes and then stepped back in surprise. "Oh my! It's a wolf!" 

Misao and Kenshin exchanged a look. "Ummm Tokio-dono That just appears to be a stray mutt, that it does." The stray mutt growled in Kenshin's direction threateningly. 

Tokio ignored the red-haired man's comment. "Misao-chan, is this one of those mysterious trained ninja wolves that I've heard stories about?"

Misao could only gape and stammer. "Umm uh well. Uhhhh not not exactly no but"

"Is it _your_ _pet_ wolf Misao-chan?" 

"No I mean yes! I mean, no he's not" Misao had finally correctly interpreted Kenshin's signals. Sensing that Misao was having a non-verbal conversation with someone behind her, Tokio turned to regard the legendary manslayer. Kenshin started whistling and staring up at the ceiling, faking innocence. 

Ignoring them both, Tokio turned back to the dog. "Come here, boy" Tokio crouched low and extended a friendly hand, allowing the animal to catch her scent. "I won't hurt you." 

Tentatively, Saitoh approached and sniffed at her hand. Tokio carefully reached up and scratched the dog behind one pointed ear. "Good boy what a good boy you are." She cooed. Smiling his pleasure, Saitoh unconsciously let his tongue loll out of his mouth. "He seems very friendly with people." Tokio commented. "It's strange to see such a wild predator so very well mannered. Wolves are difficult animals to train"

"I guess _you'd_ know" Kenshin mumbled under his breath. 

"What was that Himura-san?" 

"Uh Nothing, nothing! Well, if he's so well trained I think we should probably go look for his owners."

"What's he doing here if he has owners? I think he's probably looking for a new home." Tokio stood and dusted off her kimono. "I know! I'll keep him. The boys would love to have a pet and I'm _sure_ Hajime wouldn't mind. I think I'll call him Fluffy." 

Kenshin and Misao almost hit the floor. "FLUFFY??" Saitoh didn't seem to like the idea any better as he shrunk back in embarrassment. 

"Do you know any tricks Fluffy?" The woman was back in her own little world, immensely interested by her own husband without realizing it. "Stand!" Saitoh did as he was told, balancing carefully on two hind legs that weren't exactly built for the maneuver. Tokio clapped cheerfully. "Good boy, good boy! Shake!" She held out her hand and Saitoh slid one paw into it. "Roll over!" Dropping back to the ground, Saitoh rolled back and forth until Tokio gave her next command. "Play dead!" Lying still, Saitoh even held his breath as he played the part of a dead dog. "He's wonderful!" Tokio laughed. "Sit boy, sit!" Saitoh was up on his haunches in a flash, tail wagging and panting happily from all the praise his wife was showering on him. "Speak!" 

It was probably only a matter of time before an even bigger catastrophe struck. At some point Saitoh would have transformed back into a human, at the very least. But caught up as he was in the game with his wife, he didn't think twice before he followed her command. "Hello!" He spoke in his attempt to impress his woman. 

"Hajime??" Tokio spun around, looking for her husband and finding him strangely absent.

Caught in the horror of the situation Saitoh almost started stuttering. "Uh, I mean Bark bark bark!" He hopped around stupidly, doing his best to look the part. 

Kenshin and Misao could only assume one thing: Their secret was once again revealed and they were about to suffer the consequences. 

"Hajime, where are you?" Tokio walked past the dog, instantly forgetting about the fun she'd been having in favor of finding her missing husband. 

"Uhh Tokio-dono, I'm going to take this dog and look for his owners. Bye!" Turning to Saitoh, Kenshin beckoned him to follow. "Come on _Fluffy_! Let's go!" The dog chased after the red-haired man, nipping angrily at his heels the whole way. 

As both groups disappeared from sight, Misao was once again left alone and confused. Looking down at the pile of laundry, she realized that it had grown once again. "Oh no Saitoh forgot his clothes" Shoulders slumped as she let a sigh deflate her body. "Oh well I can only worry about one thing at a time and for now I need to go find Sanosuke before Aoshi kills him" 

Misao gathered up the clothing once again and hopped off the porch, intent on finding the missing men. Soujirou, Yutarou, Yahiko, Aoshi, and Sanosuke all had to be hiding somewhere since they certainly wouldn't be wandering around the Aoiya while she had all their clothes. 

The sound of voices from their earlier hiding spot in the backyard caught Misao's attention. With a confident weasel grin she hurried off to the trees.

"Weasel girl _said_ I could borrow it!" The voice of the ex-gangster caused the ninja girl's breath to catch in her throat. It was already too late. Sano and Aoshi were confronting each other about the trench coat! "But no one said YOU could borrow my shit!" Sanosuke growled. 

Misao had to step around some of the bushes to see what the problem was. Facing off, Aoshi and Sano stood ready to pounce. Sano had the trench coat tied closed in the front and from his exposed feet and legs, it was easy to discern that he was not wearing anything else. Aoshi, on the other hand, was fully clothed in a pair of white drawstring pants and a loose white and black gi. It took Misao a moment to realize why the outfit looked so familiar and horribly wrong on the stoic ninja. Adorning the back of the gi was the brash character for evil. Aoshi had to have been very desperate to clothe himself in such tasteless attire. 

"Misao most certainly did _not_ give you permission to wear my trench coat She knows how much it means to me. Take it off _now_." Sliding into his fighting stance, Aoshi prepared to take his property back by force. 

"Sano, stop being stupid! Give Aoshi back his coat!" Yahiko spoke up from the concealing safety of the bushes. He, Yutarou, and Soujirou were standing up to their waste in the prickly plants, determined to keep their decency in the unlikely event of some random girl walking into the small forest. 

"I'm not giving him back his coat until _he_ gives me back my special clothes! That gi means more to me than any stupid trench coat could EVER mean!" 

"Fine You give me back my trench coat and I'll give you back your clothes." Aoshi straightened up and eyed the ex-gangster. "Let's stop this foolishness I just want to get warm." As if to emphasize the ninja's point, a gust of cool night breeze blew through the trees. 

Misao recognized that she had stumbled upon a great opportunity before she blundered into the clearing and made her presence known. Ducking down behind one of the handy bushes, she awaited with great eagerness the show that was about to be given. Shinomori Aoshi was about to strip off his clothes for the whole world to see and Makimachi Misao had a front row ticket! 

"Give me my pants first" Sano ordered. 

"No, you give me the coat and then I'll give you your pants." 

"At least give me my shirt first! You've got two pieces of clothing and I've only got one." There was some logic to the ex-gangster's comment, but Aoshi seemed to brood over it unnecessarily. 

"Just take it all off and swap you morons." Yutarou threw his hands in the air. "It's not like we all haven't seen male genitalia before." Misao couldn't help but silently applaud the notion. 

Yahiko eyed his friend, a cruel smile slowly pulling back the corners of his lips. "Oh suuuure Yutarou. You just wanna see Sano and Aoshi strip down, dontcha? I've known ever since we first met that you were a perverted little son of a bitch. Remember busting in on me in the bathhouse? You're gross." 

Yutarou attacked his friend, punching him mercilessly as they thrashed around in the bushes. 

"Ewwww! I think you're right Yahiko-kun! Yutarou-kun seems to be enjoying himself!" Seta Soujirou called out happily. 

Misao found herself momentarily distracted as she watched the two young men but a glimpse of white out of the corner of her eye alerted her to more interesting happenings. Aoshi had removed the 'bad' gi and quietly held out the shirt as a peace offering to the ex-gangster. His movements seemed uncharacteristically sluggish. When his knees started to buckle, Misao was on her feet in a flash and rushing to his side before he even hit the ground. When the puff of colored smoke surrounded him, she realized that she had made a terrible mistake. 

A flash of movement was all that heralded the most uncomfortable feeling that Misao had ever experienced. Something long and scaly had slithered up her ninja outfit, wrapping around her body. No matter how she screamed and flailed, the beast would not relinquish its hold. It took Sano and Soujirou to pin her down and silence her. 

"Misao-san, relax! It's just Shinomori-san!" Soujirou tried to reason with the ninja girl. "He's a cold blooded animal now He only needs the warmth of your body, please calm down before you kill him!" 

Gritting her teeth in disgust, Misao stopped her frantic movements and tried to think about something other than the reptile crawling around under her uniform. When that failed she started rapidly pleading as though chanting a sutra. "Get it away get it away get it away get it away get it away get it away get it away" 

"She's totally losing it" Sano's concerned voice didn't even register to the ninja girl who was slowly going into shock.

"I'm taking Shinomori-san out." Soujirou wasn't about to sit by and watch Misao pass out from fear. Reaching into her ninja attire he managed to catch hold of the squirming snake, but not before getting a handful or two of Misao. Once Aoshi was extracted, Soujirou tossed the snake to Sano who grudgingly tucked it inside the trench coat to keep him warm and out of the ninja girl's sight. 

"Misao-chan You're alright now." Soujirou hovered over her, concern written all over her face. 

Blinking back into focus, Misao slowly realized the extent of the situation. "Soujirou" He was completely naked and she was vaguely aware of having been groped by him. "You PERVERT!" Her hand flew through the air and collided with the side of Seta Soujirou's face before the man with beyond-god-like speed could dodge out of the way. 

Soujirou jumped back and stood, holding the side of his face. It was then that he remembered that he was unclothed. A bright red blush raced up his entire body and an instant later he disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

~//~

"Give me your pants." 

"No you can borrow my gi instead." 

"I'm not wearing that disgusting pink thing. Your pants now." 

Voices from underneath the back porch caught Enishi's attention. Hopping to his feet with cat-like grace he stalked over toward the sound. On his knees, he leaned over the side of the porch to catch sight of the two partially clothed men hiding under the Aoiya. 

Naked Saitoh Hajime was pulling on Kenshin's white hakama while the rurouni pulled his magenta gi around his legs. 

"What's going on?" Enishi inquired though he did his best to sound particularly uninterested. 

"Enishi!" Kenshin looked up and banged his head on the wooden planks letting one 'oro' escape his lips. "What have you been up to?" 

"Nothing Just sitting here Alone." 

"Hmph, consider yourself lucky then." Saitoh unconsciously reached for his shirt pocket and his cigarettes and sadly came in contact with nothing but his bare chest. "Dammit. That weasel girl must have run off with my clothes. Let's go find her." 

Saitoh started crawling and had only halfway cleared the porch when someone collided with the white-haired psychopath and knocked him down on top of the ex-Shinsengumi. A horned ram continued on past them heading for the safety of the trees. Enishi barely had time to pull himself together with a growl of fury before a large boar jumped down off the porch and accidentally hit him in the back of the head with a cloven hoof, rendering him nearly unconscious. As the boar trotted off, Saitoh pushed the Hitokiri Battousai's insane brother-in-law off him to chase after his subordinate. It was then that the Wolf of Mibu felt something incredibly heavy press against the small of his back. As he was ground into the dirt, he briefly wondered if he was experiencing the impressive weight of a certain full-sized ox or stallion. 

Just as the pain seemed unbearable, it lifted. 

"Oh, sorry Saitoh-san. I didn't see you there." Anji hefted the police agent to his feet and it was only then that Saitoh realized that the man was indeed still a man and not a gigantic ox. However, the thought gave little comfort to the ex-Shinsengumi who was sure he'd at least cracked a few ribs. Whether Anji was an ox or not didn't change the fact that he was heavy as one either way. 

"Saitoh, are you ok?" Kenshin was helping a dazed Enishi to his feet. Saitoh, not used to any sort of compassion from the former manslayer only nodded. 

"Things are getting too dangerous in the house." Anji commented. "We're going to regroup in the forest." 

Hiko Seijurou sauntered out onto the back porch and hopped down, causing his mantle to dance in the wind. "_I_ wasn't having _any_ trouble." The 13th master of Hiten Mitsurugi answered his pupil's unspoken question. "I'm only coming out here to laugh at you morons."

~//~

"Misao, I'm sorry I scared you. Like Soujirou said, snakes need warmth from external sources. I wouldn't have done that to you intentionally You were simply the closest warm body." Aoshi finished dressing while he talked to the back of the ninja girl. The crowd in the small forest was getting bigger so the two of them had pulled back to converse in private. 

"Is that all I am to you?" Misao's shoulders shook but Aoshi couldn't tell if it was from tears or fury. "The closest warm body?" 

"Misao" Aoshi sighed and approached her. "You're misunderstanding."

"Then you can at least say what you mean!" Misao spun to face him, her eyes glistening. "You've never gotten close to me in all the years I've known you and now you're crawling up my shirt. Can't you at least admit what you're really thinking?" 

"But" Aoshi hid his confusion well. "I already told you what I was thinking" 

"Aoshi!" Misao hurled herself at him. "I want more from you, don't you understand?" 

Catching her head between his hands, Shinomori Aoshi put a stop to the ninja girl's attempt before she transformed him once again. "I" Staring down at the beautiful face between his hands, Aoshi instantly started feeling guilty. "I'm sorry Misao" 

"Fine." Misao pulled away. "I get it You feel nothing for me"

"It's not that." Aoshi argued, getting worked up for the third time in his life. "It's just this ridiculous curse. Look, once we get things taken care of we'll sit down and have a nice talk Alright?" 

Misao brightened with hope. "Really?" Aoshi nodded and watched with a small smile as the ninja girl flashed him a victory sign and a confident grin. "Then when this curse is lifted, it's a date!" Before he could say anything else, she bounded off toward the group. 

~//~

"Now that everyone's here and clothed I think it's time we talk seriously about our options." Kenshin called the hasty meeting to order. "Through the course of the past hour, it has become obvious that our survival in this house is in question. We've almost suffered multiple casualties already"

Chou spoke up. "I thought some of us would be fine, but even those of us who's not married or 'attached' are havin' trouble. Them twins are sure messin' things up for us available guys." 

"Twins?" Sano raised an eyebrow. "What're you talking about broom-head?" 

Katsu cleared his throat. "Um Tae's twin sister Sae has come over from the Shirobeko I think their father is trying to get the ladies married off before they get any older Sae is somewhat desperate to find a good match."

"She's even talked with me." Anji's spoke up solemnly. 

"Yikes" Misao breathed. "She _must_ be desperate" Everyone nodded in agreement. 

"No woman has come and confronted _me_." Enishi pointed out, drawing blank stares from the rest of the crowd. No one bothered to explain the situation to the white-haired psychopathic killer.

"Anyway" Katsu continued. "It seems to me that our best course of action would be to sit the women down and calmly explain to them the situation And demonstrate if necessary." 

"That sounds dangerous." Kenshin pointed out. 

"Who's gonna be the unlucky victim that gets 'poofed'. It sure as hell ain't gonna be me." Sano folded his arms resolutely. 

"Well, since Misao already knows the situation I just figured it would be her and Shinomori-san." Katsu glanced in their direction. 

Misao let out a surprised 'eep'. "Um, sorry guys but there's no way that I'm going to hug that scaly, creepy, nasty, little beastie again!" She turned to her companion quickly. "No offense Aoshi." 

"None taken"

The rest of the cursed warriors were quick to point out reasons why they could not be part of the demonstration and by the time the arguments died down, they were no closer to coming up with a decent plan. 

"Since Megumi already thinks we're making up lies about turning into animals, I don't think they'd believe us even if we shoved it in their face. They'd blame it on ninja tricks or something Guys, the solution is simple just avoid your women!" Sano hit an all-time low on the intelligence scale.

"We've been TRYING to avoid them, moron!" Saitoh barked. "Some of us are married and it's going to be impossible to avoid the situation all night!" 

"You're in deep trouble too Sano" Katsu commented. "I heard Megumi-san and Kaoru-san talking and it sounds like she's forgiven you Something you did or said must have made a real impression on her cause now she's talking about rendering you helpless with her 'mushroom potion' and having her way with you" 

"Seriously?" Sano perked up. 

"Well, I might be embellishing a little but that's the general gist of what they were saying." Katsu smirked. 

"Sweet." The ex-gangster punched his fists together with excitement. 

"They?" Kenshin asked suspiciously. "You aren't saying that my wife was having a conversation like that with Megumi-dono are you?" 

"Don't worry Himura-san" Katsu assured the former manslayer. "Even though Kaoru-san sounded equally impressed by whatever Sano did, she was quite adamant about spending her night with you." 

Kenshin instantly felt better and worse in the same moment. "Oh no It's going to be impossible to escape Kaoru if she's got her mind set on" His face became one shade closer to the color of his hair and he trailed off to silence. 

"Oh shit, yeah for a moment there I forgot about our situation." Sanosuke wiped the grin from his face. "Well if we can't play with our women and we can't explain the situation to them and we can't avoid them There's only one option left!" Sano jumped to his feet. "I just figured it out guys, the answer to our problem! Follow me!" 

Whether they believed the likelihood of the ex-gangster coming up with an intelligent solution or not, the cursed warriors and Misao followed after him as he made his way to the Aoiya. At the very least, they were curious to see what he had in mind. Women's voices were coming from the back room and Sanosuke signaled his companions to be quiet and lay low while he stepped inside. 

"Hello ladies!" Sano called out cheerfully. 

Tokio, Kaoru, Megumi, and Tae's voices were first startled but soon they were greeting him warmly, if not overly warmly.

"Look Rooster-head about before" Megumi seemed unsure of herself. "I'm sorry for being angry with you I"

"It's no big deal Fox. Come here a second, I got somethin' to tell ya."

The cursed warriors and Misao listened intently as someone padded over to the ex-gangster's location. They strained to hear as Sanosuke whispered something, presumably in Megumi's ear. Half a heartbeat later the sound of an impressive slap echoed through the Aoiya and out into the calm night air. "Get out of here!" Megumi roared. "I NEVER want to see you AGAIN!" 

Sanosuke slid open the door and closed it behind him to the sound of enraged female ranting. "You're a JERK Sagara Sanosuke!! A colossal IDIOT! A first class PERVERT! If you come to me bleeding and broken in the near future I'll let you DIE! I SWEAR it on my DEAD FATHER'S GRAVE!!" 

Sano hopped off the porch with his hands in his pockets, a cocky smirk, and a bright red handprint on his face where he'd been slapped. "See how easy that was guys?" Sano boasted. "Megumi won't even _think_ about hugging me for the next three weeks. I've officially been kicked out of the hen house!" 

-----------------------

*giggle* Ok, _now_ it's time to get into my 'other' plot idea. I think you guys get the picture... Or... I HOPE you guys get the picture... It's going to be rough, but since I'm a pretty rude person by nature, I've been cracking up just thinking about what's going to happen to the poor men and women of RK.

Anyway, I'm heading home for the weekend so I won't be able to write until this coming Monday. This gives all you people out there lots of opportunities to read and review this new chapter! Hey, if you've been enjoying this thing in secret, I'd love to hear your comments! It's easy, just hit the review button and pour out your thoughts. I'm open to suggestions and questions!

**Upcoming Part 8:** As if things couldn't become more complicated... A new plan brings new trouble to the love lives of the Kenshin-gumi. The men have NEVER intentionally insulted their women before, but what if this is the only way to stay alive? Who will be stupid enough to go along with the plan? Who will be stupid enough to ignore it?? All this and more... coming up next chapter. You won't wanna miss it!

  



	8. Taking the Plunge

Author's Notes: Ok, it's been almost 3 years since I first started writing this fic. I had a little free time and figured I might as well try and finish it off. It seems that RK fanfics are fairly popular these days and I just want to see how my old fic will stand up to the competition. Thanks for all the reviews and emails and quiet, constant urging to finish this story. If this is your first time reading, please leave a review and let me know how you enjoyed it so far. And now, after a loooooooong wait....

**Juunishi Part 8**

"That may be the stupidest thing I've ever seen you do." Katsu said, a look of compounded awe and disbelief on his face.

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" Sano's resolve could not be shaken. In his mind the plan was brilliant. "Now I don't have to worry about Megumi or any of the rest of the women for that matter."

Against his better judgment Yahiko felt slightly impressed. "What exactly did you say to her? She sounds furious."

Sano grinned and slammed his hand down on the spiky haired youth's head. "Can't tell ya, you're too young."

"I'm fifteen!" Yahiko slapped Sano's hand away. "I'm one of the most powerful people in Japan! I've been in countless life or death situations and survived all of them!"

"And somehow you're still an annoying, immature little brat." Sano said with a smirk.

"And somehow with everything _you've_ been through, you're still the biggest moron this side of the Pacific." Saitoh stared fixedly at the idiotic ex-gangster. "That was your 'brilliant' plan? Insult the woman you love to keep her away while we figure out how to fix our little problem?" He waved dismissively and started lighting up another cigarette. All the stress caused by their recent cursing had turned Saitoh into a human chimney. "Chou could have come up with a better plan."

Sano clenched and unclenched his fists. Chou, for his part, remained uncharacteristically silent at Saitoh's insult. "I think the rooster-head may be right about this." Chou said, aware that he was in the minority.

"Of course you do." Saitoh exhaled and glared at his subordinate from behind the curtain of smoke. "You're both morons after all."

"Kenshin, what do you think?" Sano turned to his red-haired friend for support.

Kenshin, however, found himself without the words to express his feelings without damaging the street fighter's surprisingly fragile ego. "Orororo... Sano..."

"Hey, whatever." Sanosuke brushed Kenshin off with a minimal amount of effort. "I know I'm right about this. The rest of you can decide for yourselves. One way or another your women are going to be hurt. Might as well take it in your own hands like a man." Sano regarded his friends and mortal enemies with a confident, knowing grin. "And besides, everyone knows the best part of a relationship comes when you've made up after a fight."

"Don't include the rest of us in your stupid assertions." Saitoh huffed and started to stalk away, heading toward the Aoiya.

"I never thought you could be such a coward, Saitoh." Sano said, sensing that he had finally found a weak spot in Saitoh's defenses. The former Shinsengumi halted in his tracks and half turned, waiting for Sano to make the mistake of continuing.

Sano plunged ahead, unaware or uncaring of the imminent doom about to rain down upon his head. "You couldn't insult Tokio if your life depended on it. And for all we know, it does."

Everyone held their breath, waiting for Saitoh to make his move. Sano stood his ground, ready for a fight. When the small, evil smile twisted one corner of Saitoh's lips there was an almost audible sigh of relief at the lack of bloodshed. "Moron." Without another word, Saitoh disappeared inside the house.

----------

All the others had followed Saitoh inside at their own pace, leaving Yahiko, Sano, and Kenshin standing outside in the chill night air.

"I can't do it Sano." Kenshin fixed his friend with a sad little look. "I would never intentionally hurt Kaoru. I've caused her too much pain already."

Sano nodded, looking thoughtful. "I know." He patted Kenshin lightly on the shoulder. "Good luck to you. I'm sure Kaoru will be able to handle whatever happens."

Kenshin and Yahiko were slightly startled to hear the rough street fighter call Kaoru by name. Sanosuke slid his hands into his pockets and took a few steps toward the Aoiya. "Since the Fox is mad at me already there's not much left to do but enjoy a night of drinking. If you two succeed in escaping your women, you can come join me." He sounded less excited at the prospect of a night of drinking than he usually did. It wasn't hard to imagine why.

----------

"Kenshin?" Kaoru said his name with a radiant smile. "Are you ready to go to bed?"

"Yes, I am a little tired."

"Oh." Kaoru's smile fell only slightly before she perked back up and leaned in close to him. He could feel her warm breath tickling his face and neck as she whispered into his ear. "I wasn't talking about actually going to sleep."

Kenshin swallowed the lump that had instantly formed in his throat. "Oro."

She took his hand in hers and began leading him up to the bedrooms.

----------

There were two things battling against Yahiko's determination not to insult Tsubame: Embarrassment and Fear. Frankly, the entire situation was ludicrous. And of all the animals he could be cursed to turn into, Yahiko found that the wee little monkey bothered him more than rats and bunnies. He thought of monkeys and monkey-like people as rude and stupid. Was there anything about his personality that was reflected in the transformation? Was he possibly not quite as cool as he himself felt he was? And if that were true, would Tsubame be less attracted to him if she found out this hidden part of his nature?

And of course, how bad would she flip out when she transformed him into a monkey with one small embrace? Yahiko wanted desperately to never find out.

"So..." Tsubame seemed hesitant as the two of them finally found themselves alone. "Yahiko-kun?"

He startled out of his private musings and gave her his full attention. "Yes, Tsubame?"

"Are you sure that everything is alright? You seem different... Was the battle hard?"

"No actually." Yahiko said with a grin. "I kicked my opponent's ass! He tried this one move and I caught his blade with my bare hands. Of course, I'd been practicing it for a while now, but to do it in a real fight is always more difficult." Yahiko was barely aware of his own enthusiasm. "You should have seen the look on his face when I snapped the blade with one quick twist." Yahiko clapped his hands together above his head and jerked them violently to the side, demonstrating his superior coolness. "He never saw it coming!" Yahiko laughed once and then turned to Tsubame, his bright eyes shining.

This was the old Yahiko that Tsubame had been waiting for since they had gone off to fight for the safety of Japan. She felt her heart lifting as she smiled back at him, taking in his handsome face and thinking for the millionth time how much she cared for her young warrior.

"Oh Yahiko!" She felt emboldened by his bravery and practically launched herself into his arms.

With a move that surprised the two of them, Yahiko caught her by the shoulders, holding her back. "Whoa there Tsubame."

She had never been so forward and she quickly realized her mistake. "I... I..." Words failed her miserably. The look on Yahiko's face was one that she would never forget if she lived to be one hundred and three years old. She could see how desperately he didn't want to even hug her. For over five years she had been misreading his intentions. She was a bad bad woman who wanted physical intimacy with a man who only wanted to be her friend. Her life was over.

"I'm SORRY!" She tore away from his grasp and rushed off into the Aoiya to find a deep dark hole to crawl into and die.

----------

The foul street fighter had never even come close to defeating Saitoh at anything. It was impossible that something existed that the moronic freeloader could possibly do better than _him_, the former leader of the third unit of the respected and feared Shinsengumi.

"It's impossible." Saitoh had to say it out loud to feel the full weight of truth. He smiled in satisfaction. "If that fool wants another competition, I'll show him once and for all what I'm made of."

The greatest test of his life was looming around the corner. In fact, she was quite literally around the corner and she came into view, regarding her husband curiously. "Were you just talking to yourself, dear?"

"Yes." He answered without hesitation and then caught himself. "I mean..." he couldn't say it. Perhaps there was some truth to Sanosuke's words? Perhaps it was physically and mentally impossible for him to disobey or even lie to his wife? Perhaps all the power he felt at his fingertips was an illusion if this one person could dominate him so completely? Maybe someday the idiot would figure a way to use this to his advantage and gain a moment's victory over him? It was more than Saitoh could bear to consider.

"I got the feeling that you've been trying to avoid me since you returned..."

It was not a question, but Saitoh could not refuse to acknowledge her statement.

"Yes, I was." He stood before her as defiantly as he could, realizing that on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most defiant, he was probably floating around down the negative two hundred thousand mark.

"Is there any particular reason?" She regarded him with her cool, calm, calculating, all-knowing, all-powerful look.

Saitoh wished he could at least grit his teeth so the words would come out a little more difficult to understand. "Yes, there is a particular reason."

"And what would that particular reason be?" She bore down on him with all her impressive mental powers.

This was it, the moment that would make him or break him, the chance to prove once and for all what he was made of. But what could he possibly say? Could he tell her everything that had happened and suffer the consequences? He was in too deep to pull out now with a simple explanation of his predicament. She would never forgive him for his behavior when such a silly little thing as an ancient evil curse caused it. There had to be something else he could tell her, something else that he could say!

"I..." he began, and felt sweat pour from his forehead at the intense effort. There had to be something he could tell her without either lying or telling her the whole truth! What could he say to prove that he was the 'man' of the house in more ways than gender! "I..."

Tokio seemed surprised by his hesitance. "Yes, speak up dear? Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"I'VE BEEN SMOKING!" He stepped off the edge of the world and found himself spiraling down into the dark unknown. "I know you don't want me to smoke, but I DO. I do it ALL THE TIME! I do it because I LIKE TO and because YOU HATE IT!!!" Saitoh had to stop as he was overcome with a hysterical fit of laughter.

Tokio was silent.

----------

"Aren't the stars beautiful tonight?" Kaoru purred seductively on the futon. Kenshin stood by the open window, allowing the cool air to work its wonders. They had discovered from Sanosuke's earlier 'non-contact' transformation that there was something else that triggered the curse. Whether it was arousal or embarrassment or something else entirely, the Kenshin-gumi had yet to discover. But Kenshin did everything he could to fight back unwanted feelings.

"I'm a man, not a seahorse." Kenshin repeated softly to himself, willing his body to retain its original form.

"Did you say something, my love?" It sounded as though Kaoru was about to rise from the futon and ravage him where he stood.

"Uh, I just said that I wish you could see the sea from the house." Kenshin finished lamely, refusing to turn and look at his wife.

"The sea is wonderful." Kaoru said dreamily. "The way the waves swell and break against the rocky outcroppings and jagged peaks. The deep sensuous beauty of it all."

Pretty soon Kenshin was going to need the sea for much more than sexual metaphor. "I wonder what it would be like to be a fish in the sea?" He blurted, noticing that his voice was much higher pitched than usual. He, of course, had a pretty good idea what it felt like breathing water in tiny lungs made specifically for that purpose. He had no desire to be reduced to the tiny water-breathing creature. But what could he do?

"Why don't you come here and find out for yourself, you naughty naughty man."

"I... I've got a better... um... idea." He stammered. "Let's take a midnight carriage ride to Osaka and watch the sun rise over the ocean? Doesn't that sound nice? We could take a picnic breakfast and have a nice long talk, that we could!"

"Kenshin?" She sounded only slightly irritated. "Did you suffer some kind of head injury?"

Baffled by her question, Kenshin made the mistake of turning to give her his full look of confusion. Her body language screamed for immediate pleasure. Her kimono was open just a little bit too far to be considered decent.

Kenshin's mouth went dry and his knees quivered.

"Take me Kenshin, take me now!"

----------

People sometimes underestimate the amount of alcohol that one man can consume in one hour and still retain consciousness. Sake was good. Sake was his friend. Sake dulled all the aches and pains of both the physical and the mental.

But Sanosuke had to admit that it was getting a little hard to see straight, and he really had to pee. Also, he seemed to be having a little bit of trouble getting to his feet. He wondered dully how much sake he had consumed unknowingly while he tried to forget about what he had done to Megumi.

When he spotted Yahiko sulking into the restaurant area of the Aoiya it was as if his unspoken prayers had been answered.

"OI!" He bellowed, gesturing Yahiko closer with a drunken wave. "Gimme a helpup. Gotta piss."

He was a little too far gone to notice how absolutely depressed the young swordsman was. Yahiko came to his side and muttered something about his intelligence as he helped him to his feet.

It would have taken way more effort than Yahiko was willing to expend to get Sanosuke to the proper facilities. He led him to the back porch and was not surprised in the least to find Master Hiko finishing up.

"I had to piss like a racehorse!" Hiko grinned and threw back his mantle. Two distinctly female voices giggled from the shadows. Yahiko was certain he heard one of them say something about Hiko "being hung like one" but before he could listen more closely his assistance was required to keep Sanosuke from tumbling off the landing.

When Sanosuke had finished up his business with a minimal amount of spillage, Yahiko turned him around and led him back into the Aoiya. He sat down across from the ex-gangster as Sanosuke unceremoniously collapsed to the tatami and started fumbling with the nearest bottle of sake. Yahiko took the bottle out of his reach and downed about half of it in one quick gulp. The alcohol burned into his stomach and Yahiko felt the first warm sensation he had experienced since Tsubame had disappeared.

Sanosuke grinned appreciatively. "Good 'un." He slurred and reached out for the sake. "But lemme showyou how a real man drinks."

----------

One by one the other warriors wandered into the restaurant. If Sanosuke had been sober he would have been truly surprised to see Saitoh saunter in with a cigarette planted firmly between his lips.

"And you doubted me." Saitoh grinned evilly at the drunken freeloader. "No man or woman has power over me."

"Then why do I have a feeling you're gonna be sleepin' in the dog house for the rest of your life?" Yahiko said. Both he and Sanosuke would have had to be unconscious not to notice how badly Saitoh flinched. The former Shinsengumi got up from the table and wandered off to sit with Chou in the back corner of the restaurant where he could glare at everyone in peace.

When Kaoru burst into the room carrying Kenshin's clothing everyone paused in mid drink, wondering with different degrees of concern exactly what had happened to the red-haired swordsman.

She tossed the clothing angrily at Yahiko and Sanosuke. "You tell Kenshin that if I catch him anywhere near me in the near future I'm going to kill him!" She turned and stormed out, slamming every shoji door in her path, from the restaurant to the guestrooms upstairs.

Yahiko searched through the clothing frantically, hoping that Kaoru hadn't already made good on her threat. "Kenshin let himself get hugged! What an idiot!" When his search came up empty he felt the first signs of fear creeping through his buzz. "Sanosuke... Kenshin's not here. Do you think...?"

"We gotsta find him." Sano lurched to his feet and fell spectacularly, crashing face first into the tatami. Everyone burst into drunken laughter except for Saitoh, who was not drunk and thus his laughter was of the sober variety.

Most of the warriors didn't notice the side door slide open or the small red-haired man who darted inside, dressed in nothing but his birthday suit.

"Um."

Yahiko barely heard the sound of Kenshin's voice over the raucous laughter. He turned in surprise to see Kenshin standing before him, completely naked.

"Kenshin!? What happened to you? We thought Kaoru lost you somewhere!"

"Uh. No." Kenshin looked as thoroughly embarrassed as his current situation would render just about anyone. The drunken warriors' laughter gave no sign of stopping.

"Then what happened? How come you're not dead? How come you let Kaoru hug you?"

"I didn't." Kenshin made a grab for his clothes, as Yahiko seemed too confused to hand them over. He snagged his hakama and tugged it on quickly.

"Huh?" Yahiko eloquently queried.

"I didn't let Kaoru hug me..."

"Then how come you were running around naked??" Yahiko might have put two and two together if he hadn't been competing so fiercely with the drinking champion of the underworld.

"Well, Yahiko-chan." Sanosuke propped himself up on his elbows and grinned stupidly at the young man. "Whena man and a women loveseach other, sometimes they like to..." but before he could finish explaining whatever it was that he was about to explain, he promptly passed out.

Kenshin had turned a wonderful shade of pink. "I was with Kaoru. And we were going to... well, you know... I mean, she really really wanted to. She kind of helped me out of my clothes before I could stop her... and then..."

"And then...??"

"I jumped out the window."


	9. A Funny Trick of Sanity

**Author's Notes (12/17/04):**First off, let me make one thing perfectly clear: seahorses don't have lungs! Get it straight, Kenshin! Geeze. :P Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to everyone who'sbeen waiting to read this fic and specifically toFiruze Khanume, "you asked for it and here it is!" 8D

**Disclaimer:** I recently discovered that I AM in fact the owner of both Rurouni Kenshin and Fruits Basket. Praise me!

**Juunishi Part 9**

It had finally happened. He finally had a chance to prove himself. His illustrious family members had screwed up. Big time. And he was the only one left they could turn to.

"_We only have until tomorrow evening. You must not fail."_

The words rang in his ears, bringing with them a sense of urgency. So what if they didn't deserve his help? They'd made their plans without bothering to include him. Not that he would have expected them to. He'd always been the outsider.

"_Complete this task for us and you will finally be accepted as an honorable member of this clan."_

Acceptance. It was more than he could have hoped for.

And with that single thought in mind, he ran a hand back through his unruly flame-orange hair, and pulled his black ninja mask into place.

After all, what were the lives of twelve strangers worth when compared with the joy of finally being considered 'a part of the family'?

----------

It was easy enough to ignore the other inhabitants of the house when they were so busily ignoring him. He'd managed to avoid being dragged along to the drinking party mostly because no one had bothered to invite him. Not that he cared. He could tell they didn't want him there, and he sure as hell had no intention of letting his guard down for an evening of uninhibited socialization. He wasn't here to enjoy himself. He wasn't here to 'make friends' or 'play nice'.

And frankly, if it wasn't for a certain pesky little age old curse he'd have left the city the minute he'd completed his task.

Why he had agreed to help the murderer of his beloved sister...he had yet to determine.

Of course, it _was_ getting quite boring in the Outcast Village. It had been a long time since he'd had a worthy opponent for his most excellently crafted Chinese Sword. He'd been pleased to discover that his skills with it hadn't decreased as drastically as he would have anticipated.

Perhaps that was the reason he'd agreed to help his former archenemy? To test himself?

That had to be it. Except... While it was nice to know that he hadn't allowed his physical body to wither along with his mind, the presence of fighting ability or the lack thereof made no difference to his current situation. All the fighting prowess in the world meant nothing when the driving force behind the need for that power was gone.

"Gone." He murmured to no one in particular. He was alone after all. Completely. Utterly. Alone.

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the whole house seemed to shake in disagreement, reminding him forcefully that he was NOT, in fact, alone. The house was full of people, and at least one of them was filled with enough rage to shake the very rooftop where he had chosen to hide himself away.

It would have only been a slight irritation, a minor disturbance in an otherwise relatively peaceful night. Unfortunately, the shaking continued, picking up in intensity like an earthquake.

He lost his purchase and tumbled forward, rolling once along the slanted roof before he reached the edge. He managed to twist his body around but his fingers slipped off the edge of the gutter as he tried to catch himself.

-----------

Kaoru's rage could not be controlled. Even Megumi had dove for cover when she realized she was in the enraged kendo instructor's path. Now that Kaoru was back in her guestroom, her anger was no less contained. And worse, she had no way to vent her frustrations. She realized, only vaguely through the haze of her fury, that she would probably be pissed off for an indeterminate number of hours. There was nothing to break in sight.

Nothing and _nobody_. Nobody... except for Enishi.

_Enishi?_

"Enishi?? What the hell are you doing hanging outside my room?"

The white-haired psycho killer guy was dangling from the second story balcony of her and Kenshin's guestroom. Why exactly, she hadn't a clue. But it seemed a rather fortunate turn of events. For just moments earlier, she _had_ been bemoaning the fact that she had not a single person or thing to rage against in all her frustration.

And who made a better candidate than the man who had personally plunged each member of the dojo family into a living hell?

After all, wasn't it he who had kidnapped her and made Kenshin believe that she was dead?

Her poor rurouni had been devastated. The dojo family had split apart at the seems, leaving her imprisoned with the crazy man on a secret island with no hope in sight.

When Kenshin had finally come to save her, this white-haired psychopath before her had fought with her champion. He'd hurt Kenshin and caused pain to everyone she loved.

If anyone deserved to suffer her wrath, it was definitely Enishi.

But somehow, seeing him gripping the edge of the railing with a grimace of pain or annoyance on his fairly handsome face, Kaoru couldn't think of him as anyone other than the young boy who had watched the most important person in his life die tragically. Also, she found his current position kind of humorous.

Her anger evaporated.

"What exactly are you doing?" She approached the mentally unstable man with only a hint of wariness. Enishi didn't seem too threatening, dangling there precariously. She suppressed a smile.

Apparently, he didn't think her questions deserved a response. Enishi silently glared up at her as he nimbly pulled himself up. He threw one leg over the railing and Kaoru unconsciously reached out to give him a hand. He stopped her with a single piercing look that seemed to say, "Touch me and die, woman."

Kaoru could take a hint. Enishi had a personal space bubble the size of Tokyo.

"I was just going to help." She muttered. She wasn't sure why she felt the need to justify herself to the man.

"I don't need your help." He stated matter-of-factly, as his feet touched the balcony. He brushed imaginary dust off his Chinese style pants.

"So what _were_ you doing, anyway?" Kaoru asked, regarding the white-haired man skeptically. He'd ignored the question twice, but she felt she deserved an answer. It seemed kind of strange to find him suspended outside her guestroom. "Wait a minute!" There was only one logical conclusion to be made. "You were spying on me weren't you!?"

Enishi regarded her with as much incredulity as he could muster. "Please. Now why would I do that?"

"Because you think I'm your sister?" Kaoru answered with a question that she didn't really want answered.

Enishi sputtered. Kaoru's fears were at least partially confirmed.

"That's why you're here isn't it? That's why you even agreed to help Kenshin in the first place." Once the idea had sprouted in her mind, there was little either of them could do to stop her from vocalizing her suspicions. "When I went with Kenshin to visit you at the Outcast Village, I had a feeling that the only reason you agreed to help him was because I was there. I was right, wasn't I?" She finished with a mix of triumph and trepidation.

"Most certainly not." Enishi had regained a semblance of his composure. He studiously avoided making eye contact as he brushed past Kaoru into her guestroom. He looked like he was going to make a fast escape.

"There's no other explanation. Why else would you agree to help us? I know for at least a few moments, you did think I'd become your sister. Have you totally forgotten or what?"

The question stopped the white-haired man in his tracks. "No, I remember that day very clearly." He turned to face her. "That was the day my life lost all meaning."

He sounded so deflated and sad as he spoke that Kaoru couldn't help take an unconscious step toward him. She'd comforted him before. She'd comforted him when he definitely hadn't deserved it. She'd let him cry in her lap and she'd hugged him like the big sister he'd lived his life for.

"You're wrong, Enishi." Kaoru said. She spoke evenly and kept her eyes locked with his. "That was the day that you were given a choice. I know you know that what you were doing, the way you were living your life, it was all wrong. I don't think you ever wanted to let yourself become what you became for the sake of vengeance. Your sister certainly didn't want you to live your life that way."

Enishi scoffed. "Listen woman. You don't know me and you certainly never had the opportunity to get to know my sister, seeing how it was your husband who murdered her." A chill breeze drifted inside the room.

Kaoru broke the tension with inappropriate laughter. Enishi turned on his heels and was about to throw open the shoji door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Kaoru smiled up at him, and for the briefest of moments, Enishi could see the resemblance between the woman before him and his dearly departed sister.

Her smile carried not a single trace of hatred or loathing or blame or spite or any other negative emotion she should have harbored for him.

"If anyone in this room understands how your sister truly felt, it's me." Kaoru's statement was free from condescension. "We both read her diary. I'm not sure how you can claim that I don't understand her when I'm married to the very man who changed her life. I understand that you feel a certain amount of betrayal and hurt because your sister loved someone other than you. But seriously Enishi... here's a piece of advice from me to you." She gave him a humorous grin. "Get over it."

If anyone else had issued such an order to him, he would have swiped their head from their body without hesitation. Instead, all he could do was stare at her in amazement.

There was a long pause as Kaoru continued to smile up at him. The whole situation was completely unheard of. Enishi tried to remember a time when anyone had dared be so informal and friendly, albeit slightly rude, to him. She told him to "get over it" as if all the years of pain and hatred from the day his sister died to today could be forgotten as though nothing happened. As though he could actually go about living a normal life! And suddenly he could see his sister, imposed over Kaoru's visage, somehow smiling the same goofy smile with her inherent elegance.

"You know..." He began slowly. "That's probably exactly what my sister would have told me if she could."

"Like I told you before." Kaoru commented casually. "I understand how she felt. Hell, with everything I've been through I could practically be her."

Overcome with emotion and the strangest other feelings, Enishi reached out to embrace the woman who could truly be credited with saving his unworthy soul. Through a funny trick of his sanity, Kaoru still even _looked_ like his sister.

The very quiet, seldom used, voice of reason in the back of his mind screamed something about an age old curse, but Enishi had never had any trouble ignoring the pesky little voice before.

"I love you, sister!" He lunged.

Kaoru sidestepped. Enishi stepped _through_ the shoji door. He paused in the hallway, coming to his senses, relatively speaking.

Kaoru peered through the Enishi shaped hole in her door. "I said 'practically'! I could 'practically' be your sister. As in, I am 'not' and would appreciate it if you stopped mistaking me for her."

"Sorry." He replied sheepishly. "Old habit."

"No problem."

There was a slight pause as Enishi replayed the scene in his head. A wave of something that he could only identify as embarrassment passed over him and he quickly decided to make like a tree and get the heck out of there. "Well, I should probably be going."

"You don't have to leave Enishi. And if you want a hug, I'm here for you as long as you don't mistake me as your dead sister again." Kaoru said with another endearing smile. It actually felt kind of good to be kind of good to someone who was less fortunate than her. Her earlier pain and frustrations with Kenshin paled in comparison to the mental anguish and instability she could sometimes see in Enishi's eyes.

He seemed to consider her offer. "I think I'll pass on the hug right now. But... for whatever it's worth: Thanks."

Kaoru accepted his thanks with a nod and gestured him back inside her room. "So Enishi, there's something I want to ask you. Since you're kind of a man and all."

Enishi wasn't sure he liked where the discussion was heading.

Kaoru plunged ahead. "What does it mean, exactly, when a woman wants to have sex and the man jumps out the window?"

Enishi didn't feel completely qualified to answer the question. Plus, he wasn't exactly sure he had heard her right. He did have a tendency to hear and see strange things at inappropriate times. He knew he was just a little bit crazy, but he'd learned to live with it.

"Um, excuse me?"

Kaoru sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that. The last thing you want to hear is stories from the failed love life of Himura Kenshin."

A feral grin burst across Enishi's features. "Actually. You'd be surprised."

----------

Soujirou skipped through the Aoiya garden with the happiest little smile plastered to his face.

Life was good. Life was grand. He'd been turned into a bunny man and he couldn't think of anything more enjoyable. If possible, he thought he would try and convince the others to let him keep his spiffy new curse.

It could certainly make life entertaining.

He turned and decided to take a skipping tour around the Aoiya grounds, for absolutely no particular reason. It wasn't like he had a whole lot else to do, with all the other warriors drinking their brains out. Soujirou liked to think that he had better things to do with his life than lose it in a bottle.

"I'm a bunny. I'm a bunny." He sang to himself tunelessly.

Rounding the corner, he spotted a forlorn figure dangling her legs over the edge of the Aoiya's raised walkway. She looked so lost and lonely that there was only one thing he could possibly think of doing.

He raced towards her with all his God-like speed, pouncing at the last minute. The two went flying and were surrounded by a fluffy white cloud. When the poof finally cleared, Misao found herself the proud owner of a fuzzy little bunny.

Soujirou wiggled his nose and nuzzled her face, making imaginary bunny noises since he couldn't actually remember what kind of noises bunnies made.

"Soujirou??" Misao's brain had finally caught up with the situation. She wasn't exactly famous for her quick-thinking. "What do you think you're doing??" She shoved him away gently and set him down on the landing beside her. It was not physically possible to be mad at the adorable little fluff ball, but she wasn't in the mood to deal with more crazy antics.

"You just looked so sad I thought I'd cheer you up." Soujirou hopped back into her lap.

Misao tried to restrain herself, but he was just so gosh darn cute. She squeezed his bunny body in a close approximation of a hug. He hugged her back as well as he was able to with his little bunny paws.

"Thanks Soujirou." She squeezed him again briefly and then pulled him back so she could look at him when she talked to him. "But, you know, I'm really not sad or anything. Really."

"Really?" Soujirou sounded skeptical.

"Really." Misao nodded reassuringly. "I was just thinking, that's all."

"Ahh..." Her explanation made plenty of sense to Soujirou. Sometimes when he spent too much time thinking to himself, he got all quiet and depressed too. That was why he'd decided to avoid serious thoughts as much as possible while he wandered the country.

"Hey, guess what?" She put on her best cheerful expression and adopted her most peppy voice.

Soujirou could play games with the best of them. "What?" He asked with equal enthusiasm.

"Aoshi and I are going to go on a date!"

It was indeed a point of celebration. Soujirou clapped his bunny paws together and kicked his feet happily. "Yay for you!"

Misao glomped the bunny. "It's like a dream come true!" She could feel tears of happiness welling in the corner of her eyes and she nuzzled her face into Soujirou's fluffy bunny tummy. "Oh Soujirou, you have no idea how happy it makes me! I'm the happiest girl in the world!"

Little did Misao realize that a certain special someone had chosen that very moment to come and find her. Aoshi had witnessed some of the exchange between the two of them and he had overheard just exactly enough to be more than a little confused. For some reason, Misao and Soujirou were hugging like crazy and Misao was suddenly, "the happiest girl in the world."

His eyebrow twitched.

Aoshi liked to pretend that he was a levelheaded, rational man. He knew there was probably some very silly explanation for what he had seen and heard. However, it required every ounce of self-restraint he could muster to keep himself from busting up the disgustingly adorable scene and chopping the offending rabbit into stew sized chunks.

The rational part of his brain told him that there was no way in hell that Misao would ever fall for another man. She was too loving and trusting for that kind of betrayal.

But even so, there was something about the scene that just really really irritated him.

He knew what the problem was. No matter how close the two of them had even been or could ever become, he knew that she would never look so happy... or comfortable... with him.

She needed a man who could make her laugh, someone more relaxed and loving. She needed someone, for lack of a more perfect example, exactly like Soujirou.

Aoshi spun on his heels and quietly headed back inside the Aoiya's dining area. There had to be something he could do to get the unhappy thoughts out of his head.

----------

**Author's Notes Part 2:** Here's a friendly reminder! R.O.D.! (Review Or Die!) cough cough I mean, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Believe it or not, but there's actually some PLOT in store for this fic. If you feel that I am neglecting a certain character, please let me know and I will do my best to give them some time in the spotlight. That's all for now folks.


	10. Hidey Hole

**Author's Notes (1-19-05): **Happy Year of the Rooster! This is MY year so I'm pretty excited. Last week I used the juunishi animals in one of my lessons and I couldn't stop giggling and thinking about this ridiculous fic. 8D So here's part 10!

**Disclaimer:** SUE ME!

**Juunishi Part 10**

When Sanosuke regained consciousness, the party was still raging. He'd caught Yahiko and Yutarou red-handed while they doodled insults and crude pictures on his face and chest. He'd get 'em back later. First, he needed to find something to drink. His little nap had sobered him up more than he could stand. In fact, he had no trouble making his way over to where his best friend and worst enemy were chatting over a few jugs of sake.

"Sho like, I dun getit." Kenshin slurred while he reached for more alcohol. He was plastered.

Saitoh, on the other hand, looked as sober as the first day he showed up at the dojo. He took the bottle out of Kenshin's unsteady hand and poured the man another drink. "What don't you get?" Saitoh smirked, obviously amused by Kenshin's current state.

Sano sat down at their table and gestured for Saitoh to pour him a drink while Kenshin slammed down his sake. Saitoh pointedly ignored the street fighter. Sano grumbled under his breath and poured his own while Kenshin continued his complaint.

"Theresno _seahorse_ in the Chinese Zodiac. I'm supposta be a DRAGON!"

Kenshin sounded so comically outraged that Sano couldn't help but snicker.

"Well, there's no wolf in the zodiac either, so obviously this whole thing isn't completely accurate." Saitoh pulled out a cigarette and lit up, ignoring the looks he was getting from both men.

There was a long moment of _almost_ companionable silence as Sano and Kenshin drank and Saitoh puffed away contentedly on his expensive imported tobacco.

"So um, I guess you got rid of Jou-chan for the night?" Sano asked. He felt he should know the answer to that question but the events of the evening were fuzzy. He vaguely recalled Kaoru making death threats and possibly naked Kenshin.

When the former rurouni let his head fall to the table in despair, Sano realized that he'd made a mistake.

"Smooth move, moron." Saitoh watched in detached amusement as Kenshin started slowly pounding his head against the table in drunken frustration. Saitoh continued, "I just got him to stop whining about his woman, and you go and bring it all back up."

"Oops." Sano felt plenty guilty, but more than anything he felt sympathy for the poor man. They were all in the same boat after all. And it was a crappy boat. A crappy boat with no rudder. And lots of leaky holes. And Sano couldn't help but feel that a typhoon was a comin'.

"We're doomed." Sano commented morosely. "What if we can't remove this curse?" It was a tragic thought, but now that it was there, Sano couldn't shake it. "What if I never get to make up with Megumi? What if I never get to know the touch of a women without turning into a chicken?? Better to die at the hands of our enemies than suffer a life without... you know!" He looked to Saitoh for confirmation.

Saitoh regarded him with an air of indifference. "Without _what_ exactly?"

There were very few words that Sano would hesitate to use. He glared at Saitoh, knowing full well that the man enjoyed watching him suffer. "Love." He locked eyes with his nemesis, watching for a reaction. "Better to die than to live without love."

Saitoh was the first to break eye contact and Sano felt a moment's victory that was immediately forgotten as Shinomori Aoshi plopped down at their table with a noticeable lack of ninja grace.

"Love sucks." Aoshi stated as he reached in front of both of them and snagged the nearest jug of sake. He threw his head back and chugged...

And chugged...

And chugged...

"Do ninjas have to breathe?" Sano pointed the question at the Dog of Mibu. Saitoh shrugged.

When the jug was completely emptied of its contents, Aoshi tossed it over his shoulder. Yutarou fell forward as the jug collided with the back of his head. Nobody cared.

"You!" Aoshi pointed forcefully at Saitoh. "Drink!"

Saitoh raised an eyebrow. "Everyone knows I don't drink alcohol. I've stated it at least once."

The ninja leaned forward threateningly. "You expect me to drink alone?"

Saitoh hazarded a glance around the Aoiya. Everywhere he looked there were men drinking, including at their very table. He shot Sano a questioning look but the street fighter ignored him, seemingly trying to puzzle something out.

"Um." Saitoh stalled. "I can't drink. I had to stop way back in the day." Aoshi didn't seem appeased so Saitoh continued. "You see, it makes me incredibly violent. And in this peaceful Meiji Era, random murders are not appreciated." He narrowed his eyes in a way that he knew was very intimidating. He would not be cowed into obeisance by anyone.

Except occasionally his wife.

He flinched at the thought and was caught completely off-guard when Sanosuke handed him a full cup of sake.

"You might just want to drink it, Saitoh."

Saitoh turned with a glare. "Why?"

"Well, it's just that... I've never seen _Shinomori_ drink before _either_." Sano slowly scooted away from the glowering ninja. "And I'm thinking we _don't_ wanna piss him off."

----------

Yutarou stumbled into the kitchen area, looking for something to use to stop the blood from leaking out of the back of his head. Yahiko was drunk beyond usefulness and somehow found the fact that his best friend had nearly been killed by an errant sake jug amusing.

Yutarou cursed and opened up drawer after drawer, looking for something useful.

"Where's a roll of bandages when you need one...?" He muttered under his breath.

He opened up a large cupboard and had to jump back in surprise as a small, feminine hand reached out, holding a clean towel.

"Um, thanks...?" He took the towel hesitantly and tried to peer through the shadows at the figure crammed inside the cupboard.

"...you're welcome..."

Yutarou recognized the quiet voice immediately. "Tsubame, why are you hiding in a cupboard?"

Without a reply she carefully closed the cupboard door, sealing herself away.

Even with a serious head injury, Yutarou could tell that there was something wrong with the attractive young waitress.

"Tsubame? Is everything alright?"

"Yes. Everything's fine. Please leave."

Her voice sounded calm enough, but Yutarou would not be fooled. "Everything's alright and you're hiding in a cupboard? That doesn't make sense."

"...You're the one who asked the question in the first place..." Tsubame pointed out. Her voice was soft and polite but it seemed eerily lifeless. "Now would you please leave?"

"Not until I get some answers." Yutarou stood firm. "Why are you hiding in a cupboard?"

"...It's small and dark..."

He was starting to get frustrated. "Can you come out of there so we can talk like normal people?"

"No." She replied. "...I answered your question... Please leave."

"Ok, you answered ONE question, but I've got about a million of 'em. This isn't like you Tsubame. Why do you need a small and dark place to hide?"

"...If I answer that question will you leave me alone?"

"Maybe."

There was a long long looooong moment of silence and Yutarou realized that his answer was not sufficient. "Yes, fine, if you answer my question I'll leave you alone. So why exactly do you need a small dark place to hide?"

"I'm trying to die..."

"Um..."

"There, now you promised you'd leave. Farewell... Yutarou-kun..."

"Ok, are you out of your mind? You tell me that you crawled into a small dark hole to die and expect me to walk away??" Yutarou angrily pulled open the cupboard door. "Is this about something that bastard Yahiko did? Cause if it is, I'm gonna kill him."

"No!" Tsubame squeaked. "Don't hurt him. It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. I'm a bad bad girl."

"Enough of this nonsense. What could you have possibly done?" Yutarou took Tsubame by the wrist. "C'mon, we'll go find Yahiko and you can watch as I pound some sense into him."

He tried to gently urge Tsubame from the cupboard, but she wouldn't budge. Applying a little more pressure, he pulled. Still nothing. The frail waitress had jammed herself in as tight as she could go and she used all her strength to resist. Yutarou gave one more good tug and was rewarded as the young woman came flying into his waiting arms.

----------

It was horrible beyond all horrible-ness. Sanosuke had lived through plenty of shocking and painful experiences, but nothing compared. The world had been turned upside-down. Everything he knew, everything he thought he knew, had been irrevocably proven WRONG.

"I can't... believe it..."

Two men... hated and feared in a world of war, death, and desolation... Two men who Sano respected beyond anything he could or _would_ ever put into words. Men who had defeated him countless times... Men who had given him something to strive toward... to fight for and against...

"Shinomori... Saitoh... no... how is this possible?"

He spun drunkenly, looking for someone, ANYONE, who could help. Kenshin was out of it and no one else seemed particularly capable of dealing with the impossible. Scanning the group, one man stood out like an oasis in the middle of the desert. Sanosuke staggered, heading for his last remaining lifeline.

"What do you want?" Hiko glared as Sano came drunkenly toward him. "I think you have me mistaken with my stupid pupil. I'm not into men." He shot his fan club a superstar smile and flexed his rippling muscles for them. Okon and Omasu fainted into each others arms.

Sano ignored them all and kept on walking.

He collapsed at the feet of the Fallen Monk. "Anji, you have to help me! Saitoh and Shinomori..." And that was as far as he made it into a verbal explanation. He pointed back in the direction of the two warriors and let Anji put two and two together for himself.

Anji took in the scene with his usual stoicism.

"Well. That's not good."

"Anji, please!" Sano was bordering on hysterics. "We have to do something! We have to make them stop!"

----------

When Enishi walked into the Aoiya restaurant to mercilessly mock Himura-the-pathetic-failure-in-love he immediately noticed the insanity. As tempting as it was to get involved, he just couldn't work up enough energy to actually care.

"I'm not dealing with this."

He turned and walked away.

----------

"Pull yourselves together." Anji commanded. He towered over the two warriors.

On the ground, Saitoh and Aoshi huddled together, clutching each other and crying like babies.

"STOP!" Sano screamed and covered his own ears, trying to block the sound of their wailing. Their pathetic anguish and emotional outbursts were killing him.

"I never would have thought..." Katsu began, but words, for the first time in his life, failed him. Miserably.

"Yeah." Chou nodded and continued to watch in horror as his usually scary commander continued blubbering. "I guess this explains why I've never seen him drink."

----------

"I'm pathetic!" Aoshi sobbed. "I can't even stop crying. I suck at everything I do! I can't even satisfy the one woman who's loved me and worshipped me since well before it was legal!" He covered his face with his hands and wept.

"Well... you think you're bad..." Saitoh took a shuddering breath and fought a losing battle to keep his voice steady. "Look at me! I go around trying to act like I'm cool... but I'm not cool... I'm just a scared little boy. My wife OWNS me. She tells me what to do and I do it!" He hiccupped through his sobs. "I lash out at others because I don't like who I am as a person."

"Well, at least you never went crazy and attacked anyone and everyone that got in your way." Aoshi cried pitifully. "I'm a mad dog and should be shot! If I would have just tried to talk to someone about how I felt, none of that crap would have ever happened and then maybe I'd still have some friends!"

"Not with _your_ personality." Sano commented dryly. He'd finally gotten over the shock of the situation and now found it all quite tedious. "Anji, we need to dunk these guys in some cold water or something."

The two ignored Aoshi as he whined about nobody liking him and they dragged him and Saitoh out of the room. The remaining warriors rejoiced.

----------

Tsubame stared forlornly at the pile of clothing in her lap.

She'd thought for one moment that there might actually be someone on the planet who cared about her... How wrong she was.

"Everyone abandons me."

"How right you are."

Tsubame wasn't particularly startled by the sudden appearance of a mysterious evil-looking ninja, the house was full of them after all, but she was surprised when he hauled her to her feet and expertly bound and gagged her.

"Take this girl back to base." The black-masked ninja man commanded. It was only then that Tsubame realized the room was crawling with ninjas. Someone came up behind her and placed a cloth bag over her head, engulfing her in darkness.

----------

**DUN DUN DUN!**

**Author's Notes Part 2: **Thanks for all the reviews! Now for a few review comments:

**Omni82:** HI!

**Jason M. Lee**: I am pulling from the Seishouhen... or more importantly, the manga. The manga is soooo much better than the Seishouhen. Words cannot describe.

**M.Kasshoku and Mimi-chan **have a good guess about the flame-haired ninja. Nice work! 8D

**Crewel:** There will be more Sano and Megumi soon... oh yes... yes indeed...

**MZ. AMbER EYES**: I think there might be some Jealousy a comin'.

**Kaoru4 and cleoclaudia: **Glad I could make ya giggle.

**Kohaku Rose**: Momiji is adorable. I can't say I fainted the first time he transformed, but I will admit that I got all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings. Hehehe

**Vesca**: You know, when the women find out about the curse, this fic will pretty much be over. :P You still looking forward to it?? 8D

**Firuze Khanume: **There's more Enishi stuff to come! And did you notice the review by JML about the huggling? Kaoru can touch Enishi or even take him by the hand without turning him into a tiger. As for Aoshi and the "wanting to make Misao smile" crap.. I know it's overdone but it kind of makes sense to me. And again, this is just a silly little parody. Mostly I just needed a way to promote Jealousy without actually making Misao cheat on him. 8D

**REVIEW TIME: **Gather round, gentle reader. It's time for **REVIEW FUN**! As you leave a wonderful review for this chapter/story please let me know what animal you are in the Chinese Zodiac. If you don't already know, you can find out here:

go to (www) and then fruits-basket dot com/fb(underscore)zodiac.htm (What the HELL did they do to links???) 

Like I mentioned before, I'm the Rooster. Or as I prefer... Cock. Heh. Any other Roosters in this hen house?


	11. NINJAS!

**Author's Notes (2-8-05): **So it sounds like we've got a good mix of animals reading this fic. 8D Dogs, rabbits, rams, dragons, snakes, rats, horsies, sheepies... But no roosters! I'm the only one! Mwahaha. So yeah, here's the next chapter. This one is kind dedicated to two people: (1)**lolo popoki **who got me thinking about the relationship between Kenshin and Hiko (and all the comedy just waiting to happen) and (2) **neondruid** my real-life buddy who finally decided to give my spectacular fanfic a chance. 8D Of course, all the rest of you are pretty cool too!

**Claimer: **Dis is my fic and I wrote it all by myself. Of course, since I lack originality I am forced to borrow and steal concepts and characters from existing works. Shame on me. NOW READ!

* * *

**Juunishi Part 11**

So did you and Mr. White-Haired-Psychopath have a nice chat?" Megumi asked. She hadn't dared approach the room while potentially-angry-Kaoru and potentially-homicidal-Enishi had been talking. But now that the man had left, Megumi decided to join her friend.

Kaoru took a sip of green tea and grinned evilly. "Ohh yes. We had a GREAT chat. I feel much better now."

"So did you get any clues about why the men are acting so strangely?"

"Not even one." Kaoru continued her evil smile. "But Kenshin is going to think twice about messing with me. Enishi now knows all his dirty little secrets. Mwahaha."

"That's nice." Megumi said, failing to mask her sarcasm. "But it still doesn't help us out. All we know is that the men have been acting strange ever since they got back from the big fight. We know less than nothing..."

"I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if we didn't just overanalyze their actions. When you really think about it, they're not acting _that_ strange."

Megumi stared blankly at her friend. "Are you saying that Kenshin jumping out a window to avoid sex is _normal_?"

Kaoru considered it carefully for about one and a half heartbeats. "Yeah, pretty much. We _are_ talking about Kenshin here. And he can be totally weird. My chat with Enishi reminded me about a lot of Kenshin's peculiarities."

"Ok, what about Sano then?"

"What... you mean when he had the guys tell you that joke about the chicken? Or when he ran around the house naked? Or maybe you're referring to his _proposition_?"

Megumi blushed at the thought of what Sanosuke had whispered in her ear.

Kaoru continued. "Face it. It's all completely within his character. There really might not be anything wrong."

The door slid open and Tokio entered, followed closely by the Kansai twins, Sae and Tae. "There's something wrong alright!" Tokio bellowed.

"What, has something happened?" Kaoru quickly jumped to her feet. If there was danger, she was ready for it.

"Yeah, something's happened." Tokio's eyes seemed to be burning with an inner flame of unholy fury. "For the first time in his life, my husband has stood up to me! It's unthinkable! They HAVE to be under some kind of ninja magic!"

"Or maybe they're all possessed or somethin'." Tae (or was it Sae?) added.

"We need to find out what's going on! Now! If not sooner!"

"Tokio, please calm down." Megumi pleaded. It was bad enough having to deal with crazy men. If Saitoh Hajime's wife snapped there would be no end to the madness.

"I demand answers!" Tokio continued, her expression turning malicious. "And I know just where to get them."

Kaoru and Megumi's curiosity peaked.

"We find that ninja girl friend of yours, tie her up, and force her to squeal. She knows what's going on, I can sense it."

"Plus, we overheard her talking with one of them." Tae added.

"Really, what did she say?" Kaoru asked, feeling as though she would finally get some answers.

"Dunno." Sae said with a shrug and then leaned forward conspiratorially. "But she sounded mighty suspicious."

Tae and Tokio nodded.

"Well, it might be worth a shot." Megumi said. "Misao seems to be the only one of us that the men haven't completely shut out."

It was at that exact moment that Misao decided to bound into the room with a spring in her step. Talking with Soujirou had really cheered her up. "Hi guys," she said with her patented 'genki' smile.

"GET HER!" Tokio shouted and before Kaoru and Megumi could stop them, Tae and Sae tackled the ninja-girl to the ground. They seemed to pull rope from thin air and immediately set about hogtying their hapless victim.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU...!" Misao started to wail in her high-pitched, annoying way, but she was cut short as Tokio shoved a wadded up cloth into her mouth, silencing her effectively.

**

* * *

**

Since there was not a single person in Japan who could hold his alcohol as well as Hiko, it was no surprise that when the time came to make the "sake run", he was the only one left who could carry out the task. He would have rather delegated the work to less superior individuals, which basically included everyone else on the planet, but he was also a big fan of the old adage, "If you want something done right."

Plus, his fan club was still unconscious. He wasn't sure if it was more from his awesomeness or the alcohol, but he figured it was his awesomeness.

They'd probably regain their composure by the time he returned.

With a swirl of his mantle, he walked magnificently out the back door, past the dumb-as-mud fallen monk and the feather-brained idiot. They were vigorously dunking Mr. Lacking-Personality and Mr. Formerly-Cool in the Aoiya water basin. Hiko cared not.

When he returned mere minutes later from his favorite all-night-sake-vendor, he immediately noticed that two very important people were missing from the room. He glanced left, then right. He walked to the middle of the room, checking under tables and behind screens. No matter where he sent his probing glance, he was not rewarded with the sight he expected.

He strode purposefully to one of the occupied tables and pulled a certain former pupil up by his red ponytail. Kenshin had been sitting in the same position since Sanosuke had mentioned Kaoru, and he was startled from his fuzzy state of drunken depression by the rough yanking.

He would have yelled at his master, but Hiko cut him off. "Hey dumb-ass, where's my fan club?"

Kenshin hadn't been aware of the other occupants of the room for a good long while, so he was a little irritated that Hiko would bother interrogating him about such things.

"How should I know? I've been staring at the table for at least the last half hour."

Hiko released his hold on Kenshin's hair and crossed his arms angrily. "Would the brat samurai know?"

Kenshin glanced at Yahiko who was lying on his back with his eyes all swirly-looking and a small trail of drool dribbling out the corner of his mouth.

"Um. I doubt it." Kenshin ventured.

"I left them right over there." Hiko pointed. "They would never have gone far." He almost sounded like he was going to start pouting. Kenshin didn't even want to imagine what a Hiko-style-tantrum would be like so he decided to get to his feet and help his master locate the missing women.

* * *

Sanosuke and Anji almost ran smack into Kenshin and Hiko as they exited the Aoiya.

"Have you seen Okon and Omasu?" Kenshin begrudgingly inquired.

"No, we've been busy fixing up Saitoh and Shinomori. Why?" Sano commented with an air of casual indifference. He had a fish bone stuck in his mouth and Kenshin didn't even want to know where he'd found it. They hadn't eaten fish since yesterday.

"Well," Kenshin felt annoyed with his master and this feeling was only compounded by the lack of inhibition brought about by loads of sake. "Hiko's misplaced them and he's feeling rather lonely."

The 13th master of Hiten Mitsurugi smacked his stupid pupil upside his stupid head.

"Heh." Sano was amused. "Sorry man. We haven't seen your women." He patted Hiko once on the shoulder. "Dunno why you want them though. Aren't you afraid they'll hug ya?"

Hiko brushed away the residue left by the free-loader's touch and shot him an equally dirty look. "Well, if you see them, tell them I'm looking for them."

Sano shrugged. "Sure, whatever. Maybe Aoshi or Saitoh have seen 'em."

"Where are they?" Kenshin asked.

"They're around here somewhere... Probably trying to act _really_ cool now that they've sobered up a bit."

"Thanks." Kenshin said and headed off around the corner with Hiko trailing after him glumly.

They spotted Aoshi and Saitoh leaning up against the side of the building, exuding an air of intimidating coolness. Both men had their wet hair slicked back and they were wearing nothing but their pants, boots, and tight black sleeveless undershirts. Aoshi had one of Saitoh's cigarettes in his mouth and the Shinsengumi captain was holding a match for him. Their faces were hooded in shadow, but as Saitoh held up the match their eyes glinted dangerously.

Aoshi took a drag of the European import and exhaled slowly. The smoke hovered around them menacingly.

"So there I was," Aoshi said, seemingly continuing a story where he'd left off. He spoke slowly, his voice low and unnerving. "Surrounded by maybe twenty or thirty of the bastards. They thought they had me." He paused to take another casual pull on the cigarette. "The fight was over in under two minutes. I heard it took three weeks to clean the stains."

Saitoh laughed twice, the sound no more than a cruel bark.

Kenshin approached and cleared his throat, eliciting murderous glares from both men as they finally acknowledged his presence.

"I hate to interrupt this amusing conversation and the valiant attempt the two of you are making at being not pathetic," Kenshin began, returning their glare. "But we've misplaced two Oniwabanshu women. Have you seen them?"

Saitoh narrowed his eyes as Aoshi self-consciously dropped the cigarette and put it out with his foot.

Neither men were quick with a reply and Kenshin didn't feel like wasting any more time on the losers. They knew better than to talk about killing people within his hearing distance. "Well? Have you seen them?"

"No." Saitoh growled.

"Sorry." Aoshi added.

* * *

Kenshin and Hiko spent the next twenty minutes combing the Aoiya. They looked behind doors and under the porch. They checked the small forest and scoured the sleeping quarters.

The last and best place they could think to look was the room housing the rest of the women, but Kenshin just couldn't do it. Kaoru would probably axe murder him if he took one step inside.

He and Hiko stood outside, listening to the strange sounds coming from inside while they tried to decide if it was worth questioning the ladies or not.

It sounded like they were having a wild time. Kenshin was sure they were doing it just to spite all the men-folk.

Overcome with curiosity, Hiko finally decided to slide the door open, just to take a peek. Whatever sight befell his eyes was obviously pleasant. Hiko broke into a grin and when Kenshin tried to squeeze around him to take a look, Hiko placed his hand firmly on the top of Kenshin's head, holding him back easily.

Hiko took his time soaking in the scene while Kenshin struggled in vain against the powerful man. Finally, Hiko slid the door shut silently and pulled his pupil away.

"C'mon you." He said, practically dragging the smaller man. "Okon and Omasu aren't inside. That means we must search Kyoto in its entirety."

They were gone for about ten minutes and managed to stop three attempts to take over Japan in the interim.

* * *

"Who would have thought that two women would be so hard to find." Kenshin said with a sigh as he trudged back into the Aoiya restaurant.

"Man, this is annoying." Hiko scowled and gave one quick glance around the room. "And what's up with all the ninjas? You couldn't throw a sake jug without hitting one. Not that I'd want to waste the alcohol."

Kenshin glanced around in confusion. There was no one in sight except for their fellow warriors.

Yahiko had regained consciousness and was busily playing a one-sided rock-paper-scissors drinking game with Soujirou. The god-like swordsman wasn't drinking. Kenshin spared only a thought about the foolishness of such endeavors.

Sano and Anji were telling amusing prison stories to each other over a jug or two of sake. They ignored Hiko and Kenshin as they walked on past.

Saitoh and Aoshi were still engaged in manly activities like arm wrestling and spitting contests.

The only other two warriors in sight were Katsu and Chou. They were engrossed in some wood paintings that Kenshin couldn't have looked at without getting in more trouble than he was already in.

There was nothing and no one out of the ordinary.

"Um, Master? I don't see any ninjas."

"Well of course _you_ don't. What kind of ninjas would let themselves be seen?"

Kenshin wasn't sure if his master was trying to insult him by implication. "Can _you_ see them?"

"Are you deaf? Didn't I just say that no self-respecting ninja would let themselves be seen? Why do you always make me repeat things?" Hiko stalked over to one of the tables and sat down, Kenshin following in his wake.

"So you can't see them...?" Kenshin asked and received a glare from his master. The former rurouni spent a moment trying to figure out if Hiko was always this confusing or if it had something to do with his lingering drunkenness. Kenshin had known and fought against plenty of ninjas in his career and he'd always considered himself fairly knowledgeable on the subject. "Are you sensing their ken-ki or something?"

Hiko rolled his eyes. "Please. Proper ninjas don't have discernable ken-ki's. They don't want some halfwit like you sensing their location."

"So you can't see them and you can't sense them... can you hear them?" Kenshin was bound and determined to get to the bottom of the mystery.

"Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows that ninjas don't make noises."

"Master..." Kenshin could feel the beginnings of a migraine. "I didn't think it was possible, but you're making even less sense than usual. I know about ninjas. Heck, some of my friends are ninjas."

Hiko eyed him disdainfully. "You've never met a _real_ ninja."

"I think Aoshi would disagree with you."

Hiko scoffed. "Shinomori? Gimme a break. He knows like what, one ninja spell?"

Kenshin could barely believe what he was hearing. "Spell?"

"Ninja magic." Hiko waved dismissively. "You know... turning into logs, disappearing without a trace, running straight up trees, making exact replicas of themselves, throwing fireballs, sticking to stuff, squeezing into really tight spaces... Ninja magic."

"I've never seen or heard of anyone actually doing any of this."

"Well of course you haven't. Ninjas don't let _normal_ people _see_ or _hear_ them."

"Master!" Kenshin was tempted to grab Hiko by his shirt and shake him back to sanity. "You're talking nonsense! Everything you've just mentioned is a bunch of myths and lies propagated by ninja clans to increase their own mystique!"

"Hmph. Says _you_."

"The only ninja in this room is Aoshi." Kenshin stated, matter-of-factly.

"What about over there?" Hiko pointed to the corner of the room.

Kenshin spared a glance. "There's nobody over there."

"What about under the tables?"

"Nobody!" Kenshin was tired of the game.

"And how about hanging from the ceiling?" Hiko continued smugly.

"I don't see anybody!"

"And _that's_ how you know they're there."

"You're saying that because I don't see a ninja hanging from the ceiling then that means that there's a ninja hanging from the ceiling?"

"Exactly." Hiko stated with pride and affectionately ruffled Kenshin's hair. "Now you're getting it."

Kenshin narrowed his eyes. "Are you trying to piss me off?"

Hiko grinned. "Maybe."

Kenshin covered his eyes with one hand in frustration as Hiko laughed and seemed to float up on a cloud of his own superiority.

A moment later Yutarou burst into the room naked and terrified. "EMERGENCY!"

In a flash, every warrior in the room was on their feet and magically sober. "What happened?" Kenshin inquired, automatically speaking for the group like he was prone to do.

"Tsubame's been kidnapped by ninjas!"

Kenshin's eyes widened and he cast a suspicious glance at Hiko. "Ninjas?"

"Told ya."

* * *

**Author's Notes 2: **Don't ya just love ninjas? Not me. I love to hate them though. 8D 

So yeah, feel free to leave a review and let me know what you like/dislike and if there's any errors. I won't fix the errors because I'm lazy, but it's nice to know where they are. 8D

I keep thinking that there's only one or two more chapters left to this thing, and then I start writing and end up spreading everything out. I can tell you this though, next chapter is the beginning of the end. If there's something you want to see before THE END you'd best let me know now. And remember, reviews are like tiny packets of inspiration. Each one I receive boosts my writing speed and over-all enjoyment. If you've got time to read this, you've got time to review. :P

**Review Fun:** Is anyone the same zodiac animal as the animal their favorite character has been cursed to change into? I'm year of the rooster and Sano's my favorite character. Perfect match!


	12. Never Tell Me the Odds

**Author's Notes (2-15-05):** Hmmm... This is a new record for me (or possibly a repeat of former records I held back in the day). It only took me one week to update? You guys sure are lucky. I must like you all a whole bunch. 8D Also, I've added names for each of the chapters just for fun. Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! (Even though V-Day was yesterday for me and Japan!)

**Disclaimer:** No ninjas were harmed during the writing of this chapter.

**

* * *

**

**Juunishi Part 12**

"Ok, Tokio! You've tortured her _enough_! Weren't you going to ask her some questions or something?" Megumi had seen enough horror to last a lifetime.

"Oh right." Tokio reluctantly put away the feather. "Un-gag the prisoner!" She commanded to her pseudo-lackeys.

Tae and Sae did as they were told, like good little mindless toadies. Misao's eyes burned with hatred and the minute they removed the gag she started screaming for her Aoshi-sama and also something crazy about an "army of ninjas". She'd obviously cracked.

Tokio grabbed the rag and shoved it back into the ninja-girl's mouth. "See? That's what happens when you try and get some straight answers. Torture victims very rarely know what's even going on right in front of them."

Misao rolled her eyes and flopped helplessly toward Megumi and Kaoru. She was gesturing as wildly as possible with her hands and feet bound, which basically gave her the appearance of an epileptic slug. At any rate, it seemed there was something important that she was trying to tell them.

"Maybe we should just untie her?" Megumi suggested hesitantly. The last thing she wanted was to be bound and gagged for treason against "women-kind".

Tokio eyed her suspiciously. "You think we should let her _go_?"

"No, no!" Megumi held up her hands in defense and took an involuntary step backwards away from Mrs. Saitoh. "We could just release her for a moment, as a sign of good faith."

Kaoru stepped forward, brandishing her bokken. "This is stupid." She walked over to Misao and sliced through her bonds like a hot knife through melted butter. No one stopped to question how a wooden sword could cut through hemp.

"Grr!" said Tokio.

Misao was on her feet in an instant and she tore the soggy gag out of her overly large mouth. "I've been trying to tell you guys for the last half hour!"

"What?" Megumi and Kaoru inquired.

"We're surrounded by NINJAS!"

* * *

"So Tsubame's been kidnapped by ninjas?" Sano recapped for those just tuning in or for anyone with short term memory problems.

"We have to go save her!" Yutarou yelled frantically. He was still naked.

"Hey, wait a minute." The wheels in Yahiko's head turned slowly but inexorably. "Why are you naked and how do you know that Tsubame's been kidnapped?"

Yutarou glanced down at his nakedness as if realizing, for the first time, that he wasn't wearing a single stitch of clothing. He looked about as guilty as a guy caught sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend. And given the circumstances…

"Yahiko, it's not what you think!"

"You were hugging Tsubame, weren't you?" Yahiko was pissed.

"Well, maybe it is what you think."

When Yahiko advanced toward him, Yutarou felt cornered like a rat.

"But wait! I can explain!" He hastily continued. "It was just an accident!"

"You _accidentally_ hugged my girlfriend?" Yahiko couldn't have sounded more disbelieving. "Do I LOOK like an idiot?"

Sano raised his hand. "Can _I_ answer that question?"

"You stay out of this, _rooster_-head!" Yahiko growled. "Unless you want me to crawl up your leg and bite you!"

Sano held up his hands as though trying to appease the immature young swordsman. "Geeze, what are you? Ten?"

Without another word, Yahiko jumped through the air and pounced on the street fighter. Yutarou would have taken the opportunity to make a run for it, but Kenshin blocked his escape.

"Yutarou, we need more information. Tell us whatever you can about the ninjas. How did Tsubame get captured? What were the two of you doing alone?"

Yahiko stopped gnawing on Sanosuke's head and rushed over to the former rurouni's side. "Yeah, Yutarou! What _were_ the two of you doing? Why were you hugging her, huh? HUH?"

"For crying out loud, Yahiko! I told you it was an _accident_. I would _never_ have done it on purpose!"

Yahiko disliked Yutarou's haughty superiority. "Oh right, like you're too good to hug my girlfriend?"

"What?" Yutarou stood naked and dumbfounded. "Are you kidding? I'd do her in a heartbeat!"

"AH HA! Traitor!" Yahiko lunged at his friend but conveniently tripped over Hiko's outstretched foot.

"Anyway. What can you tell us about those ninjas?" Kenshin continued. "Did they say anything that might help us find Tsubame? And what did they look like?"

"Well, I didn't really hear if they said anything important. But they looked a lot like the ninjas surrounding us even as we speak."

* * *

It was true. They were completely surrounded by ninjas.

"Wow!" Sano exclaimed as ninjas seemed to appear out of thin air or seep out from cracks in the floor and ceiling. Each and every shadow in the room was nothing more than an inky black pool of ninjas. "I wonder how long these guys have been in here?"

Hiko shrugged. "They've pretty much been here since we got back from the fight."

"You _knew_ they were here this whole time?" Chou asked, just slightly outraged.

"Were you going to tell us any time soon?" Katsu asked.

"Why? They weren't hurting anybody." Hiko commented nonchalantly.

"And you didn't find the fact that the room was full of ninjas even slightly suspicious?" Saitoh wasn't sure if he'd ever hated anyone more than he was hating Hiko at that very moment.

"Well, we are in _Kyoto_ after all."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Oh come on. Kyoto's _always_ crawling with ninjas. They're like the Tokyo equivalent of cockroaches."

There was a long period of silence as the ninjas continued to ooze out of the most unlikely places.

"So um. Do you think they're going to fight us? Or are they just going to stand around looking spooky?" Yahiko had gotten up from the floor and forgotten his argument with Yutarou for the time being.

"You never can tell with ninjas." Hiko replied.

"I've just realized something." Aoshi spoke up to nobody in particular. The warriors had unconsciously drifted to the center of the room, forming a circle for defense.

"Yeah?" Saitoh prompted.

The former leader of the Oniwabanshu looked around with a measure of distaste. "I hate ninjas."

* * *

After a three minute stalemate, Enishi casually wandered into the room, rounding up the number of "good guys" to an even dozen, and completing the set of cursed warriors. It also helped to improve the odds. Now it was 12 versus a mere endless hoard of ninjas, instead of 11.

"Hey cool." He commented as he drew his Chinese sword. "You guys have a bunch of ninjas in here, too."

"Try not to kill any of them." Kenshin warned his comrades.

"Why not?" Enishi shot his brother-in-law a dirty look. "They're just ninjas. It's not like anyone's going to miss them when they're gone."

"No killing!"

Saitoh deflated slightly. "Don't you ever get tired of saying the _same_ old thing over and over again?"

Kenshin regarded Saitoh skeptically. "Gee, I don't know. Mr. Aku Soku Zan."

Saitoh grinned like a predator. "Touché."

* * *

"I'm bored." Sano announced.

They'd lost all track of time as the ninjas continued to stand around them threateningly. There was something hypnotic about the slight swaying of their wiry frames, the way they seemed to glide back and forth without actually moving an inch.

Sano broke the circular line of defense as he stepped forward. "If I don't see some violence soon I'm going to go crazy."

As if at his own request, a ninja kunai came sailing through the air and embedded itself in his forearm.

"Ow!" He yelped. "That was rude!"

He looked down at the wedge shaped dagger protruding from his bleeding arm and noticed the slip of paper attached. It was a secret ninja note.

"Sorry about that." A brand new ninja appeared out of nowhere. "Can I have my secret ninja note please?"

"Absolutely not!" Sano howled in indignation. He pulled the dagger free and tossed it to Kenshin. Kenshin removed the slip of paper and read it quickly.

"What's it say?" Saitoh would have taken a look, but he didn't think it was a good idea to step out of line. He didn't particularly feel like having any ninja daggers jabbed into his tender flesh at the moment.

"_It's done_." Kenshin read the ominous note aloud. He looked up at the ninja who had spoken. "What's done?"

"Oh goodie." The ninja rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He stood up straight and then struck a pose while yelling, "Kunoichi Strike!"

The twelve warriors tensed for the onslaught but the surrounding ninjas didn't budge.

No one but Hiko noticed the 12 tiny ninjas that had somehow managed to squeeze between the cracks in their defense and get behind each one of them. A moment later Hiko finally realized the inherent danger these particular ninjas, commonly known as "kunoichi", posed.

"Women!" He tried to warn the others, but it was too late.

* * *

It was chaos.

The twelve ninja-women made flying tackles at their opponents and in an instant the heroes were surrounded in colored puffs of smoke. In the madness it was hard to tell who had gone down and who was still standing. Weapons clattered to the ground as various members of the Kenshin-gumi and company lost the underappreciated benefit of opposable thumbs.

As the smoke cleared, it became obvious that they were in trouble.

Kenshin stood alone in a field of clothing, surrounded by all twelve of the ninja women and a small petting zoo's worth of animals. The Ninja Army looked poised to strike.

"Guys..." Kenshin didn't have enough time to be properly irritated. It was as if all their years of training and fighting had amounted to nothing. How was it that the greatest warriors of the age could be caught so easily from behind?

"Like _I _care." Hiko snorted and stamped. The magnificent white stallion was no less intimidating than the powerful swordsman. He reared superbly and hoofed two ninja-women through the wall. They left comical ninja-shaped holes.

The ninjas howled their collective outrage and commenced their attack. In a flash of white and black, Enishi tore into the horde like a cat playing with baby mice. Ninjas flew through the air as he batted and pawed. Kenshin hoped that he kept his claws in check, but he was a little too distracted fending for his own life to make sure.

With a snarling bark, Saitoh charged "gattotsu style" into the fray. The dog seemed little more than a smear of black as he rushed his opponents, snapping furiously.

Anji the Ox took one impressive step and shattered half the tatami in the room with an Ox-powered Futae No Kiwami attack. Ninjas collapsed into unconscious heaps.

Katsu decided to pass on trying to figure out how to light his bombs in favor of horned head butts. With a fearsome bleat he sent three or four ninjas crashing backwards into their companions.

Chou was busy showing the ninjas just how foolish it was to mess with an angry wild boar. They probably learned their lesson.

Fearing for his friend's life, Yahiko grabbed the small rat and scampered. He got to the door of the kitchen and tossed his friend into the relative safety. A few ninjas dove, trying to catch the rat and the monkey, but they managed to avoid being captured or squashed thanks to their tiny bodies. Yahiko jumped back into the battle, climbing up and biting ninjas on the head. Though not particularly effective, he still managed to annoy his victims thoroughly.

Soujirou had lost most of his offensive abilities, but he found his new god-like-rabbit-speed a real defensive treat. He hopped happily around and over their ninja foes, causing all sorts of confusion as ninjas tried to skewer him, missed, and impaled their friends. Wherever he went, groups of ninja-infighting broke out, decimating their ranks. The whole time Soujirou called out cheerfully, wishing them all luck in their attempts to hit him.

Sano managed to haul himself and Aoshi up on top of an impressive pile of unconscious ninjas. He clutched the serpent in one of his chicken feet and hopped forward with the other. When he got to the edge he launched himself into the air, flapping madly. As he flew into hostile airspace he dropped the ninja-snake into the thick of the battle with a war cry, "Death from Above!" He continued forward until he collided, beak first, into an unsuspecting ninja. The two of them went down, cockfighting all the way.

Aoshi wrapped himself around an unfortunate ninja's neck and squeezed. When the ninja's friends tried to pry him loose he slid up another ninja's sleeve and disappeared. The ninja twitched and hopped around, trying to remove the snake while other ninjas helpfully punched and kicked him. Aoshi was long gone before that group of ninjas collapsed into unconsciousness.

In his human form, Kenshin had absolutely no difficulties sending each and every one of his opponents into not-so-blissful-slumber. Almost every single member of the Ninja Army was unconscious before the other eleven warriors were surrounded with puffs of smoke. Back in their real bodies, it took only seconds to finish off the leftovers.

The last ninja, who also happened to be the one who had given the orders to attack, took in the carnage and then turned to face the naked men and Kenshin. "Well, that sucked." He complained. "But we're far from defeated! Kunoichi Strike Part 2!"

Twelve more female ninjas popped out of the shadows and went to attack the boys. They didn't make it very far before they stopped and stood staring. A few of them pulled up their ninja masks in shock, exposing their young blushing faces.

"What are you waiting for? Attack!" The ninja boss ordered.

It was useless. There was no power on the earth that could force the ninja girls to tear their eyes from the sight before them. Realizing that he was once again saved by his impressive nakedness, Sano winked at a few of the girls and posed. Hiko wasn't far behind and when he flexed, two or three of them fainted from pleasure. The others stood about with varying degrees of embarrassment or amusement. Kenshin rolled his eyes.

The ninja boss was irritated. "What's the problem? Haven't you ever seen naked men before?"

One of the women turned to her boss. "Not naked men _this_ spectacular. They're super sexy and they kick way more ass than our entire army of logic defying ninjas."

Another one of the girls stopped drooling long enough to say, "I wish I had a camera."

Sano flinched.

"You ladies are free to go." Kenshin informed the female-ninjas. He turned and pointed his sakabatou at the ninja boss. "But YOU aren't going anywhere until we get some answers."

"We aren't going anywhere as long as these guys are nekkid." One of the kunoichis commented. She pulled up a cushion and sat down. The others plopped down around her, pulling out ninja snacks as they continued watching the naked men. They chattered away happily, occasionally giggling and whispering.

The ninja boss swore and grumbled under his breath. "Women." He reached up and pulled off his ninja-mask in irritation, revealing a young man not much older than Yahiko and Yutarou. His most striking feature was his bright orange hair.

Kenshin stood there, flabbergasted. "You've got red hair... We're not... _related_... are we? Are you possibly my long lost little brother who came hunting me down with an army of ninjas to pay me back for someone I murdered or possibly because you feel like I abandoned you even though I knew nothing of your existence?"

The ninja kid raised an eyebrow. "Um, _no_."

"Oh." Kenshin nodded thoughtfully. "Just thought I'd make sure."

Saitoh had pulled on his pants and was rifling through his coat pocket, looking for his cigarettes. He found them, lit up, and turned to regard the young ninja man with his cold amber eyes. "Well, then who are you exactly? And why did you attack us and kidnap that girl who's name I can't remember?"

The ninja looked confused for a moment. "What...? You really don't know who I am?"

"No we _really_ don't." Sano replied, getting testy.

"Just for the record," Enishi informed them. "I don't care."

The ninja grinned evilly. "Well, my name's Kyoshiro, but everybody cool calls me Kyo."

"Alright Kyoshiro, why did you kidnap Tsubame?" Kenshin demanded.

"_I_ didn't." Kyo commented smugly and crossed his arms, looking studly. "However, my ninja army _did_ kidnapped the girl... Along with _all_ the other women in this building."

This statement brought collective anger and confusion from the group of cursed warriors. "What?"

"Megumi?" Sano howled in outrage. "If you hurt her, even Saitoh won't bother finishing you off after I'm through with you!"

Kenshin felt lightheaded. "Kaoru..." If anything happened to her, he would never forgive himself.

Saitoh took a long drag on his cigarette and narrowed his eyes. "Well, if you've actually managed to kidnap Tokio, I pity you." He smiled maliciously.

Aoshi seemed unconcerned. "You're lying." He picked up one of his kodachi and slid it into his sheath. "Misao would never allow herself to be surrounded and captured by a rival group of ninjas. She'd have to be bound, gagged, and tortured first."

Hiko coughed slightly. "Now _that's_ ironic."

Aoshi gave the 13th master of that really cool sword fighting style an inquisitive look. Hiko tried to smile reassuringly. "It's nothing. No problem." He wasn't very convincing. "At any rate, this helps to explain the mysterious disappearance of my fan club."

Yahiko seemed to burn with a barely repressed anger. He stood with his fists clenched at his sides. "Where have you taken them?"

"I thought that would be quite obvious." Kyoshiro the Ninja said with a smirk.

"Yeah?" Sano stepped forward menacingly, brandishing his ignorance. "Well maybe you should spell it out for us."

"What?" The ninja grumbled. "Well, _ok_. But it's going to take forever to spell _The Souma Clan's Secret Fortress of Doom ®_. Um, T... H... E..."

"Shut up."

"The Souma Clan, eh?" Saitoh struck a sexy pose with his jacket thrown over his shoulder. "I suppose we should have known."

"So who wants to go kick some more bad guy ass?" Sano asked as he punched his fists together in anticipation.

The vote was unanimous.

* * *

**Author's Notes 2**

**Just for the Record: **Kyoshiro is NOT Kyo-kun. He's his great great great great grandfather, or some such nonsense.


	13. Set Up

**Author's Notes (2-22-05): **Thanks to everyone who was amused by the ninja digression. I'm done with them now, mostly. 8D But a few of you pointed out that things were getting a little bit, um, absurd. Very true! Of course, I can't promise that the rest of this fic won't be a little bit absurd, due to the very nature of the curse and the colorful Souma clan, but I can promise that things are going to be a lot more "sober" from here on out. Probably. :P

**Disclaimer: **Yeah...

* * *

**Juunishi Part 13**

After the men put their clothes back on, the female ninjas disappeared without a word, abandoning their leader to his fate. Saitoh and Chou bound the ninja boy while Kenshin, Hiko, Sano, Yahiko, Aoshi, Soujirou and oddly enough, Enishi, decided to go search the house for any remaining women. Anji, Katsu, and Yutarou went outside to secure the perimeter.

They tried to remain blindly optimistic. Perhaps the Souma ninja had been bluffing? Maybe the kid was just trying to save face in light of his ninjas' embarrassing attack?

"This is where the women were last." Hiko informed the group. Every warrior was on edge. They weren't worried about another ninja attack since that would actually be pretty amusing, but they _were_ concerned that the Souma clan might pull out the big guns, so to speak. There was no telling what kind of forces the wealthy, powerful, and altogether shady clan could muster.

Maybe they'd hired an army of mercenaries or at least ten really competent fighters? Or maybe they'd bought a fleet of warships? Or maybe they had state of the art weaponry just waiting to riddle them with bullet holes? Or maybe they'd even rounded up a group of men who wanted nothing but to see their deaths because of something that each of them had done in the past? It could all be waiting for them on the other side of the door!

Kenshin and Sano pulled open the sliding doors as Aoshi and Soujirou burst into the room, weapons drawn. They sidestepped, allowing Enishi and Hiko to follow them into the room, but there was no one inside. Kenshin, Sano, and Yahiko nodded to each other and suppressed grins. They'd survived far too many dangerous experiences to be stupid enough to be the first ones to walk willingly into a room that could have easily held their doom. Sano and Kenshin stepped inside once it became obvious that it was safe.

"I expected some kind of ninja booby-trap." Yahiko admitted as he let his guard down. He walked into the room and managed to hit the tripwire that everyone else had already noticed and stepped over. A bucket of cold water dumped onto his head, making him yelp in surprise.

"Quit fooling around, Yahiko." Sano admonished. "This is serious."

Yahiko pulled the bucket off his head with a short embarrassed laugh. "Yeah, ok. I'll be good." He quickly glanced at the other warriors, but no one seemed to think anything of it. They all actually thought he'd done it on purpose? "Phew."

While the others searched the empty room, to no avail, Yahiko turned the bucket over, examining it.

"Hey guys, I found something!" Yahiko shouted happily as he pulled another secret ninja note off the bottom of the bucket. "I _thought_ this bucket might have a clue!"

"Read it." Enishi demanded. He seemed to be taking the whole 'women getting kidnapped' thing just as hard as the rest of them.

"Ok, ok. It says..." Yahiko trailed off in embarrassment. "Nothing useful." He crumpled the note in irritation. "Ninjas think they're soooo damn funny."

Aoshi regarded him with his patented silent stoicism.

"So does anyone have any idea what _this_ means?" Soujirou held up some sliced rope and a feather. "I think it's a _real_ clue." He gave Yahiko a comical grin.

"Maybe one of them escaped?" Sano said hopefully.

"Probably Misao." Aoshi and Soujirou said at the same moment. Aoshi shot a secret ninja glare at Soujirou. Nobody noticed.

Hiko shook his head. "Oh, that's nothing important. The girls were just having a bit of fun."

Soujirou eyed the items thoughtfully. "Girls are weird."

"There's nobody in here." Enishi growled low in his throat as he finished searching the futon closet. "We should go check Kaoru's room. That's where I saw her last."

Kenshin blinked. "Oro?"

Enishi ignored him and walked on past. It was quite possible that the white-haired psycho simply didn't understand what Kenshin's all-purpose "oro" actually meant in this scenario. To the initiated, it translated roughly as, "Why exactly were you in _my_ bedroom with _my_ _wife_?"

Kenshin followed after his brother-in-law as the rest of the warriors split up to continue the search. Enishi stepped into the Himura's guestroom through a perfect Enishi-shaped hole in the door. Kenshin had no problem fitting his smaller body though the opening.

"Enishi." Kenshin said, trying to get the man's attention. "Do you mind telling me what happened here?"

"I walked through the door." Enishi stated as though the answer was obvious and required no further explanation.

"What were you and Kaoru doing?"

Enishi paused in his search of the room and gave Kenshin an eerie calculating look. "I was comforting your woman after you jumped out the window. She _really_ hates your guts."

Kenshin's jaw dropped.

"Let me tell you what she said about you..."

* * *

"It looks like the girls really _have_ been kidnapped." Sano made the obvious statement when all the men had met up back in the restaurant section.

Kyoshiro looked bored. "You couldn't just take my word for it?"

Saitoh pulled out a dirty dish rag. "Anybody care if I stuff this down his throat?"

Nobody did.

"Well, we're going to have to go back to the Souma clan's hideout and rescue them." Sano said. His tone brooked no argument.

"Do I need to point out that this is obviously a trap?" Saitoh asked.

"Nope." Sano replied. "Even _I've_ figured that one out."

Saitoh smirked. "Hmph. Maybe you're only as dumb as you look."

Sano popped his knuckles threateningly. "You're lucky that I'm saving my energy for the coming fight. At any rate, we should move out."

Saitoh looked annoyed. "Why do keep giving the group orders? Last I checked _I_ was still in charge."

Hiko was about to speak up, but decided against it. If they didn't want to bow to his obvious superiority, that was their loss. His wisdom was wasted on lesser men anyway.

Saitoh continued. "And besides, doesn't Himura usually speak for you and your little friends?" The former Shinsengumi cast a searching glance around the room and finally spotted Kenshin sitting in the corner, alone. "Why is the Battousai pouting?"

"I hurt his feelings." Enishi said with a smile.

"Oh." Saitoh took it all in stride. He pointed a warning finger at the psychopath. "Play nice."

* * *

The trek back up into the mountains was going to be really long and probably really boring. Since it was late, the streets of Kyoto were mostly deserted as everyone was either home in bed or in the red light district having a wild time.

To top it off, most of the warriors were starting to feel a bit fatigued. It was the first time that they'd beaten their enemy, gone home, partied, defeated an army of ninjas, and then had to go back out and fight again.

"You know," Saitoh began, breaking the gloomy silence that had settled around them. "When you kill your opponent, you're less likely to have to fight them twice in the same day."

Chou snickered and Enishi nodded his agreement. The Kenshin-gumi ignored the comment. Kyoshiro, the ninja prisoner, marched along in silence, which was probably a result of the gag that was still shoved down his throat.

"This may not be a good time to bring it up, but do you all remember what I told you about the Souma clan at our first briefing?" Saitoh asked.

Sano thought about it really hard for a minute and realized that he couldn't recall a single word. It seemed like forever ago. And it was definitely something that had happened before this particular story started, since part 1 took place deep inside the Souma clan's secret fortress.

Kenshin noticed the confused look on his friend's face and spent a moment skimming through his own memories. He had a perfect recollection of the entire event. The memory was like a sepia colored movie with white fuzzies dancing at the edges.

* * *

Enter Flashback:

"Welcome to the first and hopefully last briefing that we'll have to have for this mission." Saitoh said with just a hint of sarcasm. "I trust that all of you will be able to understand and remember what I'm about to tell you, since all of this is _very_ important."

He looked around at the eleven men, fitting each one of them with his cold stare. In the sepia-color-scheme, his eyes were about the same color as his face. It was kind of disconcerting.

Sano yawned and dropped his fishbone. He picked it up, dusted it off, and stuck it back in his mouth. Kenshin was disgusted a second time.

Saitoh narrowed his eyes at the street fighter. "I'm going to start by giving a _very_ detailed analysis of the fortress's layout. We've managed to get our hands on about fifty maps. Unfortunately, these maps only cover about half the total area. This base is filled with mazes, traps, secret rooms and passageways, and the whole thing is rigged to explode. It makes Shishio's base look like a rundown dojo."

He proceeded to give them a two hour un-comprehensive walkthrough of the secret fortress. Sano fell asleep three minutes in and since Kenshin was experiencing the whole thing a second time, in the form of a movie-like flashback, he decided to fast forward.

"Well, that's about all we have on the base." Saitoh said, seeming to take pride in the fact that most of them were bored out of their minds. "Now it's time for bad guy profiles. We've compiled as much information as possible about the kind of fighters we'll be likely to encounter. I'm not going to lie to you guys and say this fight is going to be easy. These men are not only collectively stronger than the Juppongatana, they're also completely insane. There's no telling what we can expect from them."

* * *

Kenshin exited his memory and gave Saitoh a look. Unspoken understanding passed between the two of them. Sano noticed it and felt totally out of the loop.

"What is it guys?"

Kenshin decided to fill everyone else in. "They threw the fight."

"You mean they lost on purpose?" Sano asked. "Isn't that kind of stupid?"

"You're missing the point, moron." Saitoh enjoyed being back in control. He could almost forget about all the trouble and embarrassment the last hours had given him as he picked on the intellectually challenged street fighter. It felt just like old times.

"They pulled their punches." Yahiko started thinking aloud. "They didn't use their real strength..."

"I barely won..." Katsu spoke softly, probably more than a little hesitant to admit as much.

Yutarou swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.

Sano shrugged. "I didn't have any trouble. I didn't even have to use my Futae no Kiwami. The guy went down like an itty bitty baby after a few hits to the face."

"Except _now_ they have the upper hand." Saitoh reminded him. "They've got our women as hostages and you can bet that they're not going to offer us a guide through their labyrinth-like fortress like they did the first time we fought them."

"Which is why we brought this loser along." Chou added, pointing his thumb at the captive ninja.

Saitoh smiled ruthlessly. "He's agreed to guide us into the base."

"There's something I don't understand." Hiko said.

"I think that's the first time I've ever heard you admit that." Kenshin commented dryly.

Hiko shot him a warning glare that seemed to say, "shush."

"Anyway, I don't know why they went through all the trouble of kidnapping the women and luring us back out here to the middle of nowhere. What's the point? What do they want with us?"

Saitoh removed their prisoner's gag. "Answer his question."

Kyoshiro scowled and spit into the dirt, trying to get the taste of the nasty dish rag out of his mouth. He gave Saitoh a casually defiant look and shrugged against his bonds. "I don't know. My clan doesn't usually let me in on their secret little plans."

"They gave you specific orders, didn't they?" Saitoh probed.

"Well, yeah." Kyoshiro admitted.

"And?" Saitoh was about to get irritated. _Nobody_ wanted to deal with an irritated Shinsengumi captain.

Kyoshiro sighed and seemed to relent. "They told me to kidnap all the women."

"Kidnap the women and then attack us feebly? Those seem like pretty lame orders." Saitoh smirked.

Kyoshiro growled under his breath. "No. They told me to kidnap the women and kill _all_ of you. Not specifically in that order."

"So if you didn't kidnap the women to use as bait, why they hell did you kidnap them?" Sano demanded.

"I guess they figured you guys wouldn't be needing them anymore." Kyoshiro grinned evilly. "And who'd want to let those fine women go to waste?"

* * *

"Are you comfortable?" A pleasant male voice asked.

Kaoru wasn't sure why her captor would care, but she nodded anyway. Even though she was bound, gagged, and blindfolded, she was resting on a bed that was soft and satiny. It would have been hard to resist the urge to fall asleep if she wasn't so pissed off.

The next person who tried to kidnap her was really going to regret it. The whole "damsel in distress" thing was getting old.

Kaoru was in the middle of making her escape plans when someone came to her side and removed her blindfold. She squinted against the brightness and quickly appraised her situation. She was in a plush, elaborately decorated bedroom. An expensive looking tapestry on the wall depicted an impressive Chinese style dragon. The room was full of murals and vases and furniture all adorned with dragons. Even Kaoru noticed the theme.

Her lone captor stood before her, wearing nothing but elegant blue silk pajamas unsurprisingly decorated with a green dragon.

Kaoru had never seen the man before, and that was probably a good thing. He was more handsome than Aoshi and his smile was warmer than Kenshin's. It was definitely a dangerous combination. If she wasn't married it would have taken every ounce of willpower to resist his sex appeal.

"Here, let me help you out of those." He said, and immediately set about freeing her. She was liking him more by the minute.

Kaoru quickly reminded herself that he was the enemy and that seemed to help her keep her focus. "Who are you and why have you kidnapped me?"

"Ah, where are my manners?" He smiled roguishly. "My name is Souma Hanzo. And please, do not think of yourself as my prisoner."

"Are you saying I'm free to go?" Kaoru asked. She highly doubted it.

"Well, not exactly." He kept his smile in place as he turned and retrieved a silver platter and a bottle of something that looked suspiciously like fine imported wine. "Care for some wine? Or perhaps you'd like to sample some French delicacies? Our chef used to work at the finest restaurant in Paris."

"Ha!" She laughed. "Like I'm going to fall for this elaborate ruse? The food's probably poisoned."

He set the tray down and opened it, revealing all sorts of tasty looking hors d'oeuvres. Without a word he set about pouring two glasses of wine, handed one to her, and then started sampling the appetizers. It smelled exquisite and Kaoru's mouth started watering. She realized that she hadn't eaten dinner.

"Trust me. We wouldn't want to go ruining food _this_ perfect." He took a sip of the wine and sat down on the bed next to her, but not close enough to be creepy. He seemed comfortably at ease with her and not even a little bit evil. Kaoru was confused.

"So..." she began as she tasted the wine hesitantly. It was full-bodied and delicious. And definitely not poisoned. "Why am I here, then?"

"You're my honored guest." Hanzo said as he offered her a small fork. "Please, help yourself to whatever you desire."

"You know," Kaoru said as she started devouring the delicacies. "My husband is going to be pissed when he realizes that I've been taken."

Hanzo laughed softly to himself. "Ah yes, the infamous Battousai."

Kaoru was startled to hear Kenshin's old nickname. It was never a good thing when the bad guys knew his past.

"Don't worry about him." Hanzo said with confidence. "You're never going to see him again. My clan has made sure of that."

The fork stopped halfway to her mouth as Kaoru froze. In a flash she pulled the utensil back and let the appetizer fly. It smacked Hanzo right in his pompous face.

Kaoru jumped to her feet and rushed for the door. She grabbed the handle and pulled. Nothing happened. The door was locked shut.

Hanzo began to laugh in amusement. Kaoru turned and glared furiously. He was dangling a tasseled key from one hand.

"I think you're missing something." He said with a tantalizing grin. "You could try and take it from me, but I won't give it up without a fight."

Hanzo was a little shocked when the woman came rushing back at him without a moment's hesitation, lunging for the key. He barely pulled it out of her grasp and the two of them tumbled back onto the satin sheets of his expensive four-poster. They wrestled briefly and Hanzo was amazed at her strength and determination. But she was nowhere near strong enough to overpower him.

He pinned her on the bed, panting and grinning like a schoolboy. "You sure are a feisty one. It's been a long time since I've been able to be this close to a woman like you." He said happily.

"I can't imagine why!" Kaoru spat the words. Her eyes flashed in anger. "I figured you did this sort of thing all the time to other helpless victims!"

She struggled relentlessly. He enjoyed every minute of it.

"Well, you may be surprised to hear this, but this isn't the sort of thing I do on a regular basis. In fact, I haven't spent a lot of time with women."

"Well, don't take this personally," Kaoru spoke angrily. "But most women aren't exactly attracted to psychopaths." She tried to twist out of his grasp, but he pulled her back.

His silk pajamas were coming undone from all the movement and they slid off one of his shoulders, exposing a hideous looking indented welt that seemed to stretch diagonally from shoulder to hip.

Kaoru stopped struggling and stared. She'd seen wounds like that before.

Hanzo easily sensed what she was thinking. "Oh, this? It was a parting gift from your husband. I'll admit it stings a little bit, but as you can see, it's hardly even slowing me down."

"You fought Kenshin tonight, and you can still move?" Kaoru was amazed. There were very few opponents that Kenshin didn't level with his succession technique.

"Your husband underestimated me and my clan." Hanzo informed her. "Believe me when I say, _that_ was his last and greatest mistake."

"Oh please." Kaoru rolled her eyes. "I don't think anything tops his earlier two story naked leap from our bedroom window."

Hanzo raised a puzzled eyebrow. "Your husband was a strange man.

"IS." Kaoru corrected him. "My husband _is _a strange man. But I still love him, nonetheless. And he is soooo going to kick your ass when he comes to rescue me."

Hanzo grinned. "You have a lot of faith in a dead man. Your husband isn't coming for you. It doesn't matter though, because after tonight, you're not even going to remember his name."

"What are you talking about?" It was Kaoru's turn to be confused again.

"Let's just say that the Souma clan has a lot of abilities that your husband and his amusing friends never knew about."

"I don't believe you."

"What you choose to believe is irrelevant. The facts remain: Your husband and all his friends are already dead. No one is coming to save you. You're _mine_ and pretty soon you're going to _like_ it that way."

* * *

**Author's Notes 2**

I originally stopped writing this fic about two and a half years ago because I was worried that no one would want to read the end of it because what I had planned wasn't as amusing as the rest of it. There's plot, action, and romance in store, but it's going to be tough from here on out to work the humor like I did in the first chapters. From here on out I hope you guys can enjoy the action and drama as much as you've enjoyed the humor. Thanks again for reading!

Also, this chapter was almost posted on the 3 year anniversary of this fic. I thought about waiting a few days, but then I decided "Nah."


	14. The Jaws of Victory

**Author's Notes (2-28-05): **Okie Dokie. Here's the next part and I think there's enough humor to go around. Only a few chapters left to go! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! 300! w00t!

**Disclaimer: **If I told you I owned RK and FB, would you believe me? 8D

**

* * *

**

**Juunishi Part 14**

Souma Hanzo was just in the middle of his really intimidating monologue.

"Your husband and all his friends are already dead. No one is coming to save you. You're _mine_ and pretty soon you're going to _like_ it that way."

Kaoru could feel the bright light of hope being snuffed out but she couldn't allow herself to truly consider the possibility that her husband was dead.

Hanzo had just started to laugh in a slightly maniacal way when a female ninja appeared out of nowhere and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Um, Lord Hanzo?"

He stopped laughing and shot an inquisitive glare at the ninja. "What are you doing in here? Can't you see I'm gloating over our amazing victory?"

"Uh, well yes, I can see that. But see, the thing is…" She seemed hesitant.

Hanzo hated being interrupted during a gloating session. "Spit it out already."

"Well, it's not something that I think you want your prisoner to hear." The ninja woman nodded in Kaoru's direction.

Hanzo sighed and relinquished his hold on Kaoru's wrists. He hopped off the bed and allowed the ninja to whisper in his ear.

"WHAT?"

Kaoru was delighted by the look of sheer disbelieving disappointment on Hanzo's face. She had a pretty good idea what had happened.

"But you guys promised success!" Hanzo whined. His sophisticated demeanor had disappeared like Megumi's ohagi. "Go prepare our defenses!" He ordered to the ninja woman. She disappeared without a trace, leaving Kaoru to wonder exactly how she'd exited the locked room. Ninjas could be truly mysterious.

Kaoru smiled smugly. "So I'm guessing you guys are about to have some uninvited guests, huh? I hope my husband isn't too rough on you." She paused for dramatic effect. "Oh wait, no I don't."

Hanzo turned to her and glared silently, jaw and fists clenched in anger. He paced the length of the room twice, contemplating his options. Kaoru sat on the bed and watched in cool amusement. She didn't need to bother attacking him again. Kenshin would be there to rescue her in no time. He was usually pretty punctual about that sort of thing.

Her captor stopped pacing and turned back to her with a big scary grin plastered on his face. "Oh yes. That'll work. That'll work perfectly."

* * *

"You know," Saitoh commented as they followed their guide through the Souma clan's twisting maze. They'd been wandering around for what felt like hours. "I don't remember taking this route the first time we came here."

Kyoshiro led them into a room with about eight different exits and came to a stop. "I was wondering when you'd notice. Took you longer than I would have expected."

Saitoh and Chou drew their katanas, setting the other 10 warriors on edge.

Saitoh advanced threateningly toward the captive ninja. "You think you can get away with tricking ME?"

Kyoshiro smiled. "I think I already did." The ropes wrapped around his arms and torso dropped to the ground. "Welcome to the Souma Clan's Endless Labyrinth of Doom!" He dropped a flash bomb and by the time the 12 men could see again, he'd vanished.

"Crap." Saitoh said and sheathed his weapon. The others stood there in silence, appraising the situation and location.

"I could have told you this was going to happen." Hiko sat down cross-legged in the middle of the room. "But nobody ever listens to what I have to say."

Saitoh pulled out a cigarette. "Well, if you've got any brilliant ideas on how to get out of here, I'd _love_ to hear them."

"No way." Hiko replied dismissively. "I'm not helping you guys just because you asked. It's way too late to appease me."

"Master..." Kenshin went to Hiko's side. "I think we're all in this together and that's the only way we're going to get out. _Together_." He looked around the room. "And besides, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in _here_?"

"Hmm." Hiko rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Good point." He got to his feet. "Alright, here's what we do. We send my stupid pupil and Mr. Speedy down each of these passageways with their god-like speed. The rest of us wait here for them to come back and tell us where the exit is."

"I _like_ that plan." Sano said as he grinned at his crestfallen friend. Kenshin shook his head and sighed.

Saitoh and Chou were busy completely ignoring the others while they rifled through a stack of papers that Chou had procured from somewhere or other.

"What do you have there?" Katsu inquired as he came over to the police officers.

"Maps." Chou said proudly as he spread them out on the floor and handed a few to Katsu. "With these we should be able ta get outta here, no problem."

The warriors gathered around in jubilation but it became readily apparent that there was _indeed_ going to be a problem.

"So where the hell _are_ we?" Sano scratched the back of his neck in confusion as he puzzled over a few the pages.

Nobody had an answer for him. Saitoh growled and took a better look at their surroundings and then stared at one of the sheets. "It should be easy. We just need to find a perfectly square room with two exits spaced equally on each wall."

After a few minutes, Soujirou placed his page on the ground in front of them all. "Look what I found!" He pointed at a tiny room smack dab in the middle of the labyrinth. Upon closer inspection (and a lot of squinting) the men decided that Mr. Speedy was right.

"The Room of Confusion." Saitoh read the name of their current location. He scowled.

"Well, now we know where we are." Sano said, feeling only a hint of relief. "But where the hell are we supposed to go?"

"That's easy." Saitoh said confidently. "You're all lucky that I do my homework." Everone placed their pages on the ground, completing the maze. Saitoh quickly traced a line through the labyrinth. "This is the only safe exit. We just need to keep heading north to find it."

"Great!" Yahiko said. "But which way's north?"

That question stumped everyone. There was no way to tell by exploring their immediate surroundings either. The Souma clan had designed a very clever pattern that kept each of the eight different paths almost completely identical.

"We could use the maps but it would take forever to figure out." Saitoh admitted to them. "Are you telling me that not even one of you fools thought to bring along a compass?"

Chou huffed. "Watch yer accusations, boss. It ain't like you got one either."

Everyone stood there dumbly for a few minutes while Saitoh worked his jaw in frustration.

"Maybe we can make one?" Katsu suggested. It seemed highly unlikely and it was a testament to the hopeless of the situation when Saitoh started rummaging through his clothes.

"Turn out your pockets." Saitoh ordered when everyone just stood there watching him. "With the proper scraps I may be able to cleverly piece something together."

Each man made his offerings and the small pile grew.

Kenshin put his empty wallet, a handful of lint, and a bar of laundry soap on the ground.

Sano laughed. "Why the hell are you carrying around a bar of soap? Planning on doing some emergency laundry or something?"

Kenshin's shoulders slumped. "Oro."

Yahiko's offering wasn't much better.

"Ok, _now_ we're saved." Sano continued mockingly. "With this comic book we should be able to unlock the secrets of this maze." He dropped the samurai picture book that he'd stolen from the young warrior. "Aren't you a little old to be reading kids' stories?"

"It's got all sorts of interesting moves and stuff..." Yahiko tried to argue in his defense.

"You learn moves from comics?" Sano teased. "That explains _a lot_."

Yahiko growled and pulled out his sword threateningly. "Yeah? Want me to show you a few right now?"

But Sano had already moved on in his inspection of the contents of the warriors' pockets. He held up two pairs of women's underwear. It was fashionable western-style lingerie. He raised an eyebrow and shot a comical questioning look at the 13th master of Hiten Mitsurugi.

Hiko shrugged. "They were gifts."

"Suuuure." Sano snickered and hunched down to go through some more items, looking for something _really_ embarrassing. "Oh hey _look_ everyone, all Saitoh has in his pockets are cigarettes and matches. Big surprise there, eh?"

He moved one packet and discovered a small faded picture. Saitoh tried to tackle him when he held it up for closer inspection, but Sano managed to dodge. It was a young Tokio, wearing a kimono and posing with a painted fan. She had a small playful smile on her face.

There was something written on the back.

Sano flipped it over and read the message aloud in his best falsetto while Saitoh went crazy trying to take it away from him. "To my _dearest_ Hajime," he sugarcoated the words and danced out of the way as Saitoh pounced. "You are the _sweetest_, most _gentle_ man I have ever met." Sano cracked up and almost fell victim to a well-placed gattotsu attack. He continued, undisturbed, as Saitoh tried to pull his sword out of the wall. "I have _loved_ you since the first time that I saw you and I will _always_ treasure the memories of our time together. May the love we share, bind us _eternally_. Yours forever, Tokio."

Sano clasped his hands together and batted his eyelashes. "Oh Hajime!"

"DIE." Saitoh removed his sword and lunged at the ex-gangster. Sano barely avoided being skewered.

"Whoa there. Down boy!" He laughed.

Saitoh slid into his gattotsu stance for the third time. While it was quite remarkable that Sanosuke had managed to avoid the Wolf of Mibu's attacks, Kenshin felt approaching calamity. Even though his friend was being really annoying, he couldn't justify standing by and watching Saitoh kill him.

"Out of the way Battousai!" Saitoh spat. "I've let this moron live long enough. I'm going to put him out of _my_ misery."

Kenshin stood between the Shinsengumi and his prey. "Saitoh... please calm down."

Sano came up behind Kenshin and stood there confidently, using his friend as a human shield. "Bad dog!" He scolded. "No biscuit!"

"Move." Saitoh ordered.

"You know I won't." Kenshin replied, his eyes all narrowed and serious looking. He softened up a bit and shrugged. "Besides, I thought the message from Tokio was rather nice, that I did."

Somewhere on the other side of the world the last straw broke the camel's back. Or maybe it was a feather?

When the dust cleared, Saitoh pulled himself back through a brand new hole in the wall. There were now nine exits from the room.

"Why'd you hit ME?" He inquired angrily. "_He's_ the annoying one!"

Kenshin sheathed his sakabatou. "That's true, but at least he's not trying to kill one of my friends."

Sano stuck his hands in his pockets and grinned, completely oblivious to Kenshin's indirect insult. "Boy. Kenshin sure showed you, Saitoh."

Since it was obvious that he wouldn't be allowed to kill the ex-gangster, Saitoh decided to switch tactics. "Alright moron. You're the only one who hasn't emptied out his pockets. Let's see what _you're_ carrying around."

"Hmph. Fine." Sano said. "It's not like_ I've_ got anything to hide."

The other warriors gathered around to watch him reveal the contents of his pockets. Even Kenshin silently hoped that he had something embarrassing to show. It would make him feel better about being caught carrying around soap.

The first item to be revealed was a very old, moldy fishbone.

"Hey, I was wondering where I put this!" Sano said as he happily stuck the thing in his mouth.

"Oro..."

"Alright, what else?" Saitoh pressed.

"I dunno, geeze, don't rush me." Sano grabbed a few cylindrical items from his pockets and tossed them toward the pile. "Here."

Katsu dove and caught all three of them before they could hit the ground. Chou and Yutarou clapped unenthusiastically.

"Nice catch." Yahiko congratulated. "But, um. I don't get it."

Katsu stood slowly and held the items out for everyone to see. He seemed to be shaking, either from anger or fear, possibly a little of both.

"These... are... _not_... TOYS." He rounded on the ex-gangster. "I didn't give you explosives so you could get us all _killed_!"

Saitoh turned to Kenshin. "Can I kill him _now_?"

Kenshin only shook his head as he watched Sano remove the next item from his pockets.

The men gathered around as he dangled a thin strip of metal from a string. Sano stared at it blankly for a moment, trying to remember what it was and how it had gotten in his pocket.

"Is that... what I think it is?" Kenshin voiced what they were all thinking.

"I'm gonna kill him." Saitoh said with finality as he drew his sword. "He's too stupid to live. Don't try and stop me, Battousai."

Kenshin stepped out of the way and gave a little "be my guest" wave of his hands.

Sano had just enough common sense to be worried. "Wait! Wait! I'm sorry, ok? I forgot I had this."

"How do you forget that yer carrying around a compass when you've got yer hands in yer damn pockets all the frickin' time?" Chou demanded.

"I just don't think about it. I _said_ I'm sorry already." He turned to Saitoh, hoping to placate the professional assassin. "Everything's cool, really. Look, I even know how to use it!" He plopped down on the ground and held the string as steadily as he could, considering the perilous situation he was in. Everyone watched as the magnet rotated around and finally came to a stop. "See? Uh, that way's north!" He pointed back behind him, in the direction that the compass indicated. "I think."

"Give me that." Saitoh took the compass and held it aloft. There was no way he was going to take Sano's word for it. The compass came to a stop, indicating roughly the same direction, but Saitoh wasn't convinced. There was something suspicious about it. Number one on the list being that it belonged to a certain moronic freeloading ex-gangster.

Saitoh walked off to the side and held the magnet, watching it twirl. The warriors paled as the compass once again came to a stop. This time, it was almost 90 degrees off. Either north was moving, or the compass was as useless as its owner.

Saitoh tried again, hoping that it would right itself magically. He stepped around behind Sano, who was still sitting on the floor. This time the compass was a full 180 degrees off from its first prediction.

"I don't _believe_ this." Enishi folded his arms in irritation. "When we start starving to death down here, I say we cannibalize the rooster first."

Chou agreed. "I'm betting he even tastes like chicken."

The men started discussing their options, which were basically nonexistent, as Saitoh continued to play with the compass in morbid fascination. Sano merely sat on the ground forlornly, watching Saitoh circle him like a vulture.

"What... the hell...?" Saitoh said as he made another slow circling pass around the street fighter. Wherever he went, the north end of the magnet remained faithfully pointing at Sano. "Very curious." He lowered the useless item. "Do you use this compass often?" He asked.

"Um, yeah." Sano admitted, somewhat pitifully. "I kind of, um... get lost all the time."

Saitoh _almost_ felt sorry for him. It was truly a wonder that he had survived a five year world tour on his own. "And you've never realized that it's broken?"

"Sometimes it's right." Sano argued feebly.

"No." Saitoh corrected him. "Sometimes you're just sitting due north."

"Well, when it's broken, I use my spare." Sano mumbled.

Saitoh paused. "Your _spare_?"

"Yeah." Sano dug into his pocket and removed a second, identical compass. "I carry around two of them, just in case one of them stops working."

* * *

It was hard to say who struck first, but a few moments later Sano was unconscious, sprawled out on the floor. His magnets were stuck together happily, like lovers who had been reunited after one of them had been kidnapped by a crazy group of ninjas.

Kenshin sheathed his sakabatou with a click and booted the magnets jealously. "Now what do we do?"

"We split up." Saitoh said, flicking his sword before he sheathed it. "There's 8 doors and 11 of _us_, so a few of us will have to pair up. Our main objective is to find the kidnapped women."

"Earlier you said that there was only one safe exit from this labyrinth." Aoshi reminded him. "But does that mean that there are _other_ exits?"

"Yes." Saitoh said as he grabbed a random map sheet from the floor. "But as you can see we probably want to avoid them."

"The Room of Fire. The Room of Ice." Aoshi read the names of a few of the dangerous sounding exits in his perfect monotone. "The Room of Eternal Torment. The Room of Sharp Pointy Things. The Room of Infinite Paper Cuts and Lemon Juice."

Katsu flinched. "Ok. We get the point."

Aoshi paused and the tiniest hint of a smile crossed his face. "I made up that last one. Could you tell?"

"If you're trying to be funny you can stop. It's just plain scary." Yahiko shuddered.

"Somebody find the Room of Eternal Torment and drop off our garbage." Saitoh said as he nudged the unconscious free-loader with his foot.

"I'll take him." Anji stooped and picked up Sano's dead weight easily. "The room sounds _quite_ interesting."

"That leaves seven more doors." Saitoh said, holding up his finger count so even the stupid warriors could do the math.

"I'll take one alone." Hiko stated. "I don't need anybody following me around as I expertly escape this pathetic little maze."

"Six."

"I'll take one." Kenshin said. "I'm going to try and find Kaoru as quickly as I can, though, of course, I will rescue every other woman that I find along the way."

"Five." Saitoh counted down. It was kind of ominous. "I'll be taking one alone so lets lower that to four."

"I won't be needing any help in my search for Misao." Aoshi stated firmly. "I'll be going alone, as well."

"I'm going with Aoshi." Soujirou happily piped up before Saitoh could do his spooky countdown thing.

"I can't go alone if you come with me." Aoshi turned, shooting a glare at the cheerful man. "Besides, you'd slow me down."

Soujirou smiled innocently. "Have you possibly forgotten who you're talking to?"

Aoshi gritted his teeth. "Well, I don't want you to come along. You go a different way."

If Soujirou had been in bunny form his little perky bunny ears would have drooped sadly.

"Two more rooms." Saitoh intoned. "Five more people."

The remaining warriors glanced at each other and made up their minds about who they'd pair up with.

"Me and Katsu'll take a door." Chou spoke up quickly. Nobody particularly wanted to be stuck with Enishi.

Yahiko looked from his rival to the psychopath. He sighed. "I guess Yutarou and I can take the last door."

"Well, that leaves Enishi." Saitoh pointed out. "Who's going to let him go with them?"

All the solo warriors became instantly fascinated with their fingernails or a spot of dirt on their clothes.

Enishi stepped forward and pointed at Kenshin. "I'm going with him."

Kenshin deflated, but could see no reason to argue. Nobody would back him up anyway.

"Ok." Saitoh lowered his hands. "This is where we split up."

Being separated in enemy territory was never a good thing. The warriors stood there, glancing silently at each other for a moment. It was quite possible that they would never see each other again.

Kenshin came up to Saitoh's side as the others milled about, unwilling to head off into the spooky labyrinth. "Maybe you should say something. You know. Something encouraging."

"Why?" Saitoh asked.

"Well, you're the leader." Kenshin said with an innocent rurouni smile.

Saitoh cleared his throat, drawing everyone's attention back to him. "It's been almost nice knowing some of you." He paused while the others raised eyebrows. "So try not to get dead."

* * *

**Author's Notes 2: Review Comments**

**Night-Owl123: **I updated! Yay!

**lolo popoki: **Hey, got another chapter coming up for me? It's fun to write, but it's just about as fun to read! Glad you're enjoying this goofy fic. 8D

**princess-oro: **Heh. More handsome than Aoshi? I know, it's hard to imagine. It's probably Hanzo's friendly demeanor that makes him more attractive. Hehehehe. The fighting is coming up!

**Mimi-san: **Thanks for loyally sticking with this, even when I'd been gone for over 2 years. It's for people like you that I keep writing!

**ShadowDestiny: **I'll definitely be finishing this fic. That's a promise from me to you! (and everyone else, naturally). The story is almost finished and I hope that there will be enough humor, romance, and plot twists to keep people happy.

**Vesca: **Heh. Glad you've enjoyed everything so far. The postive response from readers is what's made me continue writing this fic. Thanks!

**Hikaru Itsuko: **I hope that this story lives up to your expectations. I'll give it my best!

**Sky Fairy 77: **I love how you say that every one of my chapters is better than the last. 8D I don't believe you, but I appreciate it. Hehehehe.

I'd like to make a special thanks to **No one** for the compliment to my writing abilities. **No one **thinks I write well... so it must be true. 8D And I'm really glad that **No one** is reading my fic. Thanks!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** I try to update as fast as I can. Mostly just to please YOU. A thousand reviews, eh? I'm thrilled to have 300!

**Kaoru4: **Yes indeedy. Kaoru _will_ be fought over. Along with all the other women. But who cares about them, right? 8D

**M.Kasshoku: **I know, it's kind of hard to imagine the Souma clan wanting to murder people. But, then again, the whole family is dark and suspicious. Imagine them in the early Meiji Era. Now, of course, I've given them an excellent reason to want the men dead, so no worries there. Hope you're enjoying this!

**Queeney: **Just for the record, I can't be sued if you hurt yourself by falling out of a chair while laughing at my fic.Try suing the chair company instead. Faulty chair design can be dangerous! 8D Thanks for the review!

**MZ.AMbEREYES: **Ok. More jealousy. Check. Anything else? Maybe some fries or a side of bacon:P Just out of curiosity, who do you most want to be jealous at who?

**ChunkyMonkey241: **Hehe, thanks for the 3 year congrats. I realize that people can appreciate drama and action, but I know it's the humor that's got people hooked to this fic. The average reader wants romance and comedy. And me? I love writing action and drama... Heh. Though after writing Juunishi I think it'll be hard to go back to writing something without all my little "comic jabs". Thanks for reading!

**daffybear: **Hope you did (or do) a great job on your exams! Glad I could help relieve some of that stress. Though I'm not sure if "laughing your heart out" is reallythat stress relieving. I laughed my heart rightout of my body once, and it hurt like hell. 8D Enjoy!

Thank youto my favorite **Anonymous** reader/reviewer!

**JML: **Heh, you weren't the first to review last time. I was surprised. Thanks for the note about "the" but I know the argument and generally don't care. 8D Battousai can be translated as - Talented Sword Drawer. Battou, of course, being the art of drawing your sword from the sheath for one very fast attack. Sai being talent. Battousai is both a nickname and a title. And I use it as such. Though I do generally just say Battousai. You and Miyu have an excellent argument. 8D

**Hidari: **Wouldn't it be hilarious if none of them end up with their women? Mwahahahahaha.

**Slow Motion: **Yay! Another fan of the ninja battle! And you like my choices for the animal counterparts! Yay yay! I'm glad you reviewed (twice even)!

**Ali->Adi: **Hiya! A perfect blend, you say? Thank you thank you! I love bothshows so it seemed like a shame not to throw them together. 8D


	15. Conversations in Corridors

**Author's Notes (3-5-05): **This chapter is necessary but not particularly full of action or humor. Sorry! I try and cater to my readers as much as I can so parts of this chapter are written for a certain Enishi lover. 8D There might be a little bit of jealousy in here as well.

**Disclaimer: **The only money I'm making from this story is the money I'm getting paid to sit here at my desk and pretend to be working. 8D

* * *

**Juunishi Part 15 **

"Ow." Sano regained consciousness slowly. At first, all he was aware of was the feeling of movement, a slow, steady, rhythmic pattern of up and down, up and down, with just a little bit of side to side thrown in. It was making him kind of nauseous.

He could hear the sound of bare feet padding along a wooden surface. It was all very strange. He would have thought that he was sleepwalking if he didn't feel like he was being held, upside down. That was making him even more nauseous.

He decided to try and move.

"OW OW OW OwWw!" He howled as his body screamed in protest.

Somebody tossed him to the ground and it was only after a few moments of sheer agony that he was able to open his eyes.

"Anji?" Sano blinked in disbelief and tried to clear his vision. There were two of the giant men standing before him, circling each other slowly.

Anji crossed his arms and stared down at him.

"What happened?" Sano said, wincing as he tried to sit up. "It feels like I got hit by a train."

"That's a fairly accurate assessment." Anji commented.

"Did we get ambushed by competent ninjas?" Sano asked, still unable to sit without leaning up against the corridor wall. It felt like he'd broken bones he didn't even know he had.

"No." Anji replied. "You got ambushed by your _former_ companions."

It was all coming back to him. Sano wished it wasn't. He looked down at his chest and limbs, admiring their handiwork. They'd really worked him over and he wasn't quite sure that he'd deserved it.

"Kenshin and Saitoh really hit me?"

"_Everybody_ hit you." Anji replied.

"I don't remember that..." Sano said as he gingerly probed his ribs.

"You were blissfully unaware after the first few attacks." Anji seemed unconcerned.

Sano decided to inventory his new spiffy injuries. It helped to focus on something other than the pain. The first thing he looked for was signs of Kenshin's sakabatou. It left very particular wounds. Sano knew them well, and was kind of surprised when he couldn't find a single one.

"So, are you sure Kenshin hit me?" Perhaps his friend had been so mad that he had flipped his blade? It was an unhappy thought.

"Yes." Anji said. "I believe it was the Kuzu Ryu Sen. You're fortunate that Master Hiko decided to use the same move. The two of them seemed to cancel each other out."

Sano didn't feel very fortunate as he appraised his other injuries. He was torn, bleeding, and broken. He had a new hole in his shoulder and he had a pretty good idea who'd given it to him.

"Saitoh gattotsu-ed me?"

"You had it coming." Anji replied stoically.

"What'd Yahiko hit me with?"

"Imitation Do Ryu Sen. It was a bit crowded around you to get a clear shot otherwise."

Sano checked his other bleeding wounds. "Who's this one from?" He pointed to slash wound on his upper leg. He was going to need lots of bleach to get the stains out of his white clothes. He spared a moment to wish he had Kenshin's bar of soap. Suddenly emergency laundry chores didn't seem so impractical.

"Chou. He used his impressive, super-thin whip-sword thing."

"What about this one?" Sano pointed to his bleeding forearm.

"You got that one from the ninjas earlier." Anji reminded him.

"Oh yeah..." Sano picked a new wound. "How about this one?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure. But it was probably Soujirou. He moves too fast for me to keep track of."

"What'd Enishi hit me with?"

"Oh, he just kicked you in the head after you were unconscious."

"And sweet little Yutarou?"

"He kicked you in the ribs."

"And... wait a minute... YOU hit me too, Anji?" Sano could feel the aftereffects of the Futae no Kiwami. It felt bad. Really, really bad. But the betrayal hurt even worse.

Anji sort of shrugged. "Everyone was doing it. I just wanted to feel like a part of the team."

Sano would have laughed, but he was afraid that he'd die.

"At any rate, now that we're away from everyone else, I guess I can patch you up without getting into trouble."

"Gee, thanks." Sano managed a little bit of sarcasm over the pain. "Where'd everyone go anyway?"

"We split up to search for an exit." Anji pulled out some bandages and medicine. He did the best he could to staunch the flow of blood. "You need a doctor." He commented nonchalantly as he worked.

"That's why I'm here." Sano said, a humorless expression on his face.

Anji wasn't sure what he was talking about. "I don't think we're going to find any doctors in this labyrinth." It was quite possible that Sano was delirious.

"That's why we need to escape this place as soon as possible." Sano retorted.

"So you can find your doctor?" Anji was still confused.

"Anji...?"

"Yes?"

"Were you always this thick, or does it have something to do with your Ox curse?"

* * *

Kenshin watched Enishi out of the corner of his eye as they walked along the twisting corridor. Enishi, for his part, appeared not to notice. In fact, he appeared altogether oblivious to Kenshin's presence.

Kenshin didn't like being ignored. Especially since he was pretty sure that Enishi was doing it just to irritate him. Perhaps the white-haired man was trying to make him feel inferior? Like he wasn't even worth wasting words on?

After some of the things that Kaoru had told him, Kenshin could understand why he might feel that way. Kenshin wasn't exactly sure why Kaoru had opened up and told Enishi so many of their private stories. She never told Yahiko or Sano that kind of stuff. It was a bit suspicious.

He glanced at Enishi. Enishi continued to ignore him.

Kenshin cleared his throat, hoping that they might strike up some kind of neutral conversation. Enishi wasn't exactly someone that he could share a "comfortable silence" with. Just as long as the conversation didn't revolve around Kaoru…

"Um."

Enishi didn't bother to look at him as he replied. "What?"

"Do you think we're going the right way?"

Enishi remained quiet for a long moment. "Probably not."

"Oh..." Kenshin trailed off. It looked like things were going to be very difficult. He decided to take a risk and ask a question that was on his mind. "So, why'd you decide to come along with me?"

"That's kind of obvious." Enishi stated. "Even someone like you should be able to figure it out."

Kenshin bristled. "I know you think that you and Kaoru have spent some kind of quality time together, but I just want to make one thing clear: No matter what Kaoru has said about me in anger, she and I love each other more than you can possibly understand."

Enishi pulled to a halt.

Kenshin was worried that he was about to be attacked by his brother-in-law, but Enishi didn't make a hostile move. He remained passively unreadable.

Enishi took off his glasses and busied himself cleaning them with the edge of his shirt. He avoided looking at Kenshin the entire time. "You're presuming quite a lot." He held his glasses up and misted them with his breath before he continued. "You think I can't comprehend love? You think that someone like me is too callous and detached to feel that kind of emotion?"

Kenshin replied with silence.

"Then you're a fool. And a forgetful one at that." Enishi resumed his measured pace down the corridor. "It was love for my sister that sent me chasing after her _murderer_. I gave up everything for her."

"I know." Kenshin said quietly. "But I think you might be a little bit confused about Kaoru."

Enishi scoffed.

Kenshin continued. "No matter what she's said to you, the two of you are never going to be together. She's not the kind of person to walk away from someone that she's spent so many years loving. She's much better than that."

Enishi smiled self-disparagingly. "You think I don't know that? Even after everything she's said about you, I can tell how much she loves you. I don't understand it, exactly. But I'm aware of it."

Kenshin was a little stumped. "Then, you haven't been led on by her?"

Enishi almost laughed. "Of course not."

"So you're not here to try and save Kaoru and make her fall in love with you?"

"Please. What kind of self-respecting former criminal mastermind would have such pathetic goals?"

"Then why'd you tell me all the bad stuff that Kaoru said about me? I thought you were trying to convince me that Kaoru was over me so that you could make the move!"

"I just wanted to watch you squirm." Enishi grinned.

"And why did you decide to come with me to rescue her?"

"Well," Enishi began. "For one thing, all those other losers irritate the hell out of me. But you, on the other hand, are quite amusing. I've never met anyone so pathetic."

Kenshin ignored the insult. "So it's completely coincidental that you're probably going to be helping to rescue Kaoru? This has nothing to do with your feelings?"

Enishi shrugged. "I can't leave her fate in your incapable hands. Now can I?"

"But... But..." Kenshin stammered. "Why do you care what happens to Kaoru? You just said that you're not in love with her!"

"I never said that."

Kenshin "oro-ed" and realized that Enishi was right. Not once had he come out and denied loving Kaoru. Kenshin's shoulders slumped and he cast a suspicious glare at Enishi.

"You're in love with my wife..."

Enishi seemed unconcerned. "So?"

"Don't you think I might object to that?"

"I don't care if you do."

"You can't just go around falling in love with other people's women." Kenshin stated emphatically. "It's just not _right_."

"This doesn't really have anything to do with you. Maybe you should mind your own business."

Kenshin stopped. "Are you insane?"

Enishi gave a little shrug and Kenshin realized he was asking the wrong question.

"Kaoru's my wife! Of course this concerns me! I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching my back and worrying that you're going to pop out of the shadows and drag my wife off to another romantic abandoned tropical island."

Enishi raised an eyebrow and leaned in close to Kenshin with a strange little smile. "Are you jealous?"

"No!" Kenshin sputtered. "I just don't want you kidnapping my wife so you can spend more time with her!"

"I don't have any more tropical islands." Enishi informed him. "And you can relax. I'm not going to try to steal your woman."

Kenshin wasn't satisfied. "Then what's in it for you, Enishi? I don't see you as the kind of guy to spend his life loving a woman from afar."

"That's _exactly_ the kind of man I am." Enishi stated. "I know she's never going to love me, but that doesn't change how I feel."

Kenshin held a hand up to his forehead and shook his head slowly. "I don't understand how Kaoru could have had this kind of effect on you."

"It's _that_ kind of attitude that makes me seriously consider stealing her away from you." Enishi looked irritated. "I'm not sure if you truly appreciate what you've got. Kaoru's the sweetest, most sincere, most charming, most fiery, most loyal, most..." Enishi was becoming increasingly embarrassed as he listed off Kaoru's good points. "Most loving, most beautiful, most passionate woman ever!"

He completely missed the poof of colored smoke.

"Oro?" Kenshin blinked and stared down at the white tiger in alarm.

Enishi held up one tiger paw and seemed to blush under all his fur. "Um, could you take my glasses off before they get all stretched out?"

"S... sure." Kenshin quickly removed them before Enishi could have a chance to bite his hands off.

"Thanks." He padded down the corridor. "We should really go find your wife."

Kenshin stared in quiet shock as Enishi calmly resumed their search.

"I think she's close. I can smell her." The tiger informed him. "Be a pal and grab my clothes, would you? We don't want to give Kaoru any _more_ reasons to dump _you_ and run away with _me_."

Without waiting for a reply, Enishi bounded off down the hallway, leaving Kenshin to gather his clothes and weapon and hurry after him.

* * *

Aoshi stalked along the hallways, quiet as a ninja. He had to find a way out of the labyrinth as soon as possible. Misao needed him. There was no telling what they were going to do to her. Or maybe... they were already DOING something to her!

He became _quite_ furious. The Souma clan was lucky that he was over his homicidal chaotic phase.

The only happy thought sustaining him was that he'd managed to ditch the overly cheerful former-assassin. The look on Soujirou's face had been priceless.

Aoshi smiled. No one was around to see it. He smiled even more at the thought. He spent a moment contemplating something interesting. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it, does it make a noise? It didn't really have anything to do with his current smiling or non-smiling countenance, but he still found himself amused. Everyone thought that he never smiled. He liked to keep things that way.

His smile belonged to one person, and one person alone.

Misao would be so happy to see him when he burst into the room to save her. He had to think of something really suave to say. Something like, "Sorry to keep you waiting." Or maybe, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything important. I know you've been all tied up lately."

Aoshi was startled out of his own private musings as he ran straight into Soujirou. The two of them crumpled to the ground in a tangle of weapons and one billowy trench coat.

"What are you doing in my passageway?" Aoshi demanded.

Soujirou disentangled himself and stood up, smiling apologetically. "I thought I heard voices, so I came to investigate."

"I wasn't talking to myself!" Aoshi stated, just a little _too_ quickly.

Soujirou blinked. "I didn't say you were."

"Oh. Well, go away."

"I searched everywhere else I can find..." Soujirou whined. "Can't I come with you?" He begged.

"No. Go follow Saitoh around or something."

Soujirou winced. "He scares me."

"Then go off by yourself somewhere. I'm busy and I don't need your company."

"But," Soujirou hazarded a glance around the dimly lit corridor. "I don't like being alone in here. It's creepy."

Aoshi grimaced. "Look, I don't really care whether you like it or not. We need to separate if we're going to find an exit."

Soujirou smiled. "Oh, I've found _plenty_ of _those_."

Aoshi paused, gritting his teeth. He had to be careful or he was going to damage his molars. "You've found exits? Why didn't you leave already?"

"I don't want to find _exits_. I want to find the _girls_!" Soujirou declared.

"The GIRLS? Or ONE girl?" Aoshi countered.

Soujirou blinked innocently. It was hard to tell if it was faked or not. "What are you talking about?"

"I know why you're following me around." Aoshi accused. "You're hoping I'll lead you straight to Misao!"

"That sure would be nice." Soujirou replied happily. "Do you think you can find her? And all the other girls, of course."

Aoshi was almost too angry for words. "Go away!" He got up and took off down the hallway as fast as he could.

Soujirou paced him easily. "Are the girls this way?" He asked, too stupid to realize that Aoshi was trying to ditch him.

"No!"

"Then why are you going this way? Don't you think it would be a good idea to find them really quickly?"

Aoshi skidded to a stop and Soujirou shot on past him. Aoshi took advantage of this and took off down a side passage. He took a quick left and then a quick right and raced down a long corridor.

After a few more confusing twists and turns he was sure that he'd lost his unwanted companion. He paused, leaning against a wall as he caught his breath.

"Is Misao close?" Soujirou asked, startling the professional ninja.

"GAh!" Aoshi jumped.

"Should I take that as a no?"

Aoshi was about to say something really mean to Soujirou when a shrill battle cry echoed through the corridor. Soujirou perked up and seemed to hone in on the sound.

The two of them looked at each other and uttered one name. "Misao."

"Sounds like she's in trouble." Aoshi stated. His grip on his weapons tightened as he prepared to dash to her rescue. The only problem was that he wasn't exactly sure which way to go.

"Sounds like she's close." Soujirou added. "My bunny hearing is _reeeally_ coming in _handy_."

Aoshi hated to admit it, but his chances of finding his okashira were better if he teamed up with the annoying man.

"Truce?" He turned to Soujirou and proffered his hand.

Soujirou looked down at the peace offering with a puzzled look on his smiling face. "What do we need a _truce_ for? We're not enemies, silly."

Aoshi's eyebrow twitched. He put his hand away. "Right. I forgot."

"C'mon partner." Soujirou grabbed his wrist and took off down the hallway with all his beyond god-like speed. "We've got a woman to rescue!"

* * *

"I don't think your brilliant plan is going to work."

Hanzo dragged Kaoru into a large empty room. He released his vice-like grip on her wrist and flicked a level that she hadn't noticed. The door shut behind them. He turned to her, folding his arms in irritation. "What makes you say that? You don't even know what my brilliant plan is."

"Well, so far all you've done is drag me into a big dumb room and seal off ONE of the exits. I could make a run for that other door over there." She pointed to the far side of the room. A doorway led into a dimly lit corridor.

"You don't want to go in there." Hanzo replied. "Trust me."

"But I _don't _trust you." Kaoru huffed. She was just about to go rushing off for the door when a man seemed to appear out of nowhere and came running up to them from that mysterious dimly lit corridor.

He was tall and wiry and he ran with the grace of some kind of big jungle cat. His hair was as wildly spiky as Yahiko or Sanosuke's, but the color made him seem somehow exotic. It was blonde with streaks of black.

He was shirtless and wore a loose-fitting pair of Chinese style drawstring pants with a silk sash. As he drew closer, Kaoru noticed that his back and arms were covered with black stripe tattoos, giving him a decidedly tiger-ish appearance.

He came to a stop in front of Hanzo and saluted with one tattooed arm crossed over his bare, muscular chest. His appearance contrasted quite pleasantly with Hanzo's, and Kaoru had to spend a minute reminding herself that she didn't care how attractive her enemies were. Hanzo brushed his straight dark hair out of his face and returned the salute.

"What's the word, Ryoshi?"

The other man took a moment to catch his breath. "Well... Battousai and Yukishiro are together and they'll be here soon, thanks to this." He pulled an indigo ribbon out of his pocket.

"That's _mine_!" Kaoru declared. It was really irritating that her captors were taking her personal things and using them for evil purposes. She wasn't exactly sure how they had used it to lure Kenshin into their trap, but she wasn't going to let them use it any more. She snatched it away from Mr. Tiger. He didn't seem to care.

"So I guess we'll be fighting together." Hanzo rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Suits me just fine." Ryoshi stated. "I just want to teach that white-haired psycho that I'm not to be taken lightly. I let him off easy last time."

"There's no room for mistakes." Hanzo stated, and then continued somewhat playfully. "So maybe you should try fighting with a real weapon?"

Ryoshi glared and pulled his weapon from the sash at his waist.

Kaoru recognized it immediately. "A jitte?" She asked. "I don't think you're going to be able to beat Enishi with a sword-breaker."

Ryoshi shrugged and cast an appraising glance at the young kendo instructor. "Once he's disarmed, it's game time." He tucked the single pronged weapon away and slid into a foreign fighting stance. "I didn't train in China all those years for nothing."

"Ryoshi is a master of _The Way of the Tiger_." Hanzo informed her.

"I don't care if he's a _real_ tiger, he's still not going to be able to defeat Enishi. I've seen that man fight. He can shatter trees with that Chinese sword of his. Your little sword-breaker isn't going to stop him."

Hanzo raised an eyebrow. "You speak quite highly of him. I had it under good authority that Yukishiro was an enemy to you and Battousai. Yet the two of them are coming _together_ to rescue _you_."

"My relationship with Enishi is complicated." Kaoru informed them. "But don't get me wrong. I'm not going on about how strong my husband is because it pretty much goes without saying. Kenshin never loses."

"Things change." Hanzo commented with an ironic sort of smile that Kaoru didn't understand. He probably had something up his sleeve, but she didn't know what.

Hanzo walked over to a section of the wall and pushed a hidden button. A secret door opened, revealing a room full of weapons and a suit of armor. Ryoshi led her over to the room and then set about helping Hanzo into the most impressive suit of yoroi that Kaoru had ever seen.

The armor was deep blue and green and covered with scales and spines. When Hanzo pulled on the kabuto and mask, he seemed to have taken on the appearance of a fierce looking dragon.

He pulled two swords off the wall and twirled them around his body, testing his freedom of movement in the armor. He seemed satisfied and Kaoru started to worry. The major disadvantage of wearing armor in a fight was that you'd be slowed down, but Hanzo was still fast. Really fast.

Kenshin fought with a sword that wasn't designed to pierce through armor. Each of his blows would be softened or deflected by the suit, and Kaoru realized that the segmented yoroi was designed to resist being shattered by powerful blunt attacks. Hanzo had done his research.

And it didn't help that they'd already fought once before. The Souma clan had probably taken careful note of the fighting styles, strengths, and weakness of the Kenshin-gumi.

Plus, Kaoru realized that she would be used as leverage in the fight. It was the only reason that they'd dragged her along to watch the show. They could have left her tied up in the bedroom.

The Souma clan guys truly held all the cards. Kaoru couldn't help but be concerned.

Hanzo noticed the look on her face and smiled under his mask. "I'm glad you're ready to take us seriously, because playtime is definitely _over_."

* * *

**Author's Notes 2: **So, my sister is an artist and I convinced her to do a little picture of Kenshin and Enishi for me. Go check it out and let me (and her) know what you think! You can also go check out her main site at www bluessence dot com.

Kenshin/Enishi: www bluessence dot com / tigerkenshin (underscore) whiteBE dot jpg

**Review Comments**

**Kaoru4:** Uh oh, I think Kaoru and Kenshin might be in trouble. :P Glad you liked me pairing up Enishi and Kenshin for her rescue. It should be _quite_ interesting. Hehehehe.

**Night-Owl123: **Heh, I'm writing as fast as I can! I know how the story ends, but I don't have any of this stuff written out yet. I don't want to make any mistakes as I go along. Anyway, Patience is a virtue. :P

**GreenEyedFloozy: **It is pretty damn funny, isn't it? Not so much humor in this chapter or the next... but I'll try to make up for it.

**Firuze Khanume: **Married to a tiger, eh? I'm jealous. I'm a big tiger fan too. 8D Anyway, thank you so much for your excellent review. It really inspired me. I usually go into a new chapter without actually knowing what will happen. I could have easily left out all the stuff with Kenshin and Enishi, but I put it in there just for you! (and all the other Enishi lovers out there). I hope you enjoyed my interpretation. The triangle between Enishi, Kenshin, and Kaoru will come to a head in the coming chapters. It's going to be great (hopefully) so I hope it satisfies you. 8D

**lolo popoki: **I was in the middle of editing the last chapter when you posted yours. Pretty awesome timing. 8D I'm glad you seem to be enjoying _Juunishi_ as much as I'm enjoying _Only the Beginning_. Saitoh's encouragement made me giggle when I wrote it. I think I can actually hear him saying those lines in my head, looking all irritated. Ha.

**MZ.AMbEREYES: **BACON. Heh, so yeah. Do you know how hard it is to write jealousy and keep everyone in character? I didn't think it would be that hard, but it is. :P I'll do my best though! It's not like these guys have a lot to be jealous over. Enishi doesn't stand a chance with Kaoru and Misao only loves Aoshi. Heh. It's tough.

**No one: **We'll be seeing some of the other women in the next chapter (and after). I'm not sure if Soujirou is going to get to keep his bunny curse, hehehehe. 8D Probably not though. Otherwise we'd never get to see Momiji, or something horrible like that!

**Adelaide MacGregor: **Yay! Thanks for the review. I hope that the ending is as awesome written as it is in my head. 8D

**JML:** Heh, nothing wrong with focusing on FF7. Hey, I was going to ask you, do you know when Advent Children is being released in Japan? 8D Thanks again!

**Vesca: **Hehehe... battle lines... yes indeedy. Mysterious passageways and hideous rooms full of paper cuts and lemon juice... Heh. Your review made me giggle for some reason. Maybe I should let you finish up the fic? 8D

**Mimi-san: **Yeah, I really enjoyed writing the encouragement speech. Saitoh's such a punk. Hehehehe. Glad I was able to keep him in character. 8D And I'm even more glad that you're enjoying this fic!

**Sky Fairy 77:** Awww...:( Don't be insulted. I'm just naturally skeptical. It would be awesome if each chapter is better than the last. It's not easy though. Like this chapter, there's no real humor to speak of, and random conversations aren't all that entertaining. :P But I need to make sure things are set up for the final showdowns. I'm glad that reading this story makes you feel better. That's what it's here for. 8D

**Winterwing3000:** Hehe, Sano's 'compasses' are just magnets. He's been rubbing them together in his pockets for years, so they're quite powerfully attracted to each other. As for Yahiko and comics, there was one episode of the anime where he's reading some and trying to imitate the characters in the story. I don't know if historically there were comics like that back then, but they did it in the anime, so it's good enough for me. 8D It's hard to say how much Soujirou is actually "into" Misao. The problem is that Aoshi THINKS it's true. Haha. Poor dumb fool. 8D

**Queeney: **Gee, I dunno what the Souma's are up to. Maybe you can guess? I'll give you a prize. 8D

**M.Kasshoku:** Hehe, I think you know me well enough to know that I can't help but take a few shots at Sano. It was your review that reminded me that I didn't specify that everyone actually hit him. I know I only mention Saitoh and Kenshin sheathing their blades... but I made it ambiguous for the humor. Of course, I just kicked his ass good and proper to add to the suspense. You know how much I like to challenge him. 8D It'll bring out Megumi's protective instincts. Heh.

**ChunkyMonkey241: **Hehe, Sano IS the cutest moron ever. 8D And your roommates may think you're crazy for laughing out loud, but I'm starting to wonder about my own sanity. I couldn't help but laugh when I WROTE it... I wanted the compass to be broken and I thought it would be really funny if it was always pointing at Sano. But it took me a minute to figure out how I could make that happen. Then I laughed. 8D

**princess-oro: **I guess you'll be finding out soon if Hanzo is strong. What do you think:P As for his appearance, he's basically a mix between Hatori (FB) and Aoshi, but just a tad more cheerful. Anyway, hope you enjoyed Kenshin and Enishi in the corridors. 8D

**Calger: **Actually, it's still my first year as a JET. I just re-contracted back in Feb for my second year. I did a study abroad to Shiga-ken back in Summer 03, though. Between the coming and going, it feels like I've been here forever. And I definitely have a lot of free time. Especially since it's March and all. So this is me, not working, writing fanfics to waste my time. It did take a while to get back into the swing of things (as you noticed). I actually went and rented some RK and FB to get the proper flavor of the story back. Some of it still feels a little awkward to me, but I hope everyone can enjoy it anyway. Thanks for the review! I'm looking forward to more of your Sano, Kenji, and Yahiko interaction!


	16. Meditating Tofu

**Author's Notes (3-11-05): **Almost finished. Things are coming to a head, finally. 8D The tone is changing and chapters are probably going to get a little longer since it's becoming harder to decide where to break them up. Don't want to leave you guys with too many cliffhangers. :P

**Special Thanks **goes to **lolo popoki **for taking a look at this chapter for me! It would have been another three days without your helpful suggestions!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

* * *

**Juunishi Part 16**

"This is the place." Enishi announced. He'd put his nose to good use even after he'd transformed back into his original form. Kenshin thought it was a little bit odd, the way some of them had picked up animal traits and abilities, but it was useful so he didn't really mind.

"The Room of Sharp Pointy Things." Kenshin blinked and read the sign above the door once more to himself, just to be sure. "I thought Aoshi was joking."

"Hm. Hard to tell with that man." Enishi replied seriously. "I swear I've seen blocks of _tofu_ with more emotional range."

Kenshin cracked up, causing Enishi to shoot him a questioning glare.

"Are you laughing at me?" He asked with a measure of irritation.

Kenshin shook his head and tried to stop giggling. "Block of tofu... Aoshi's a block of tofu."

Enishi relaxed and took his hand off the hilt of his Chinese sword. Apparently his former archenemy merely found his comment amusing? Enishi didn't have a lot of experience with jokes.

Kenshin was still laughing. "If he could carve a perfect replica of himself, he could leave it meditating in a Zen temple somewhere and no one would know the difference."

Enishi couldn't help but be caught up in the humor of the moment. Kenshin's laughter was infectious, like some kind of virulent disease. "Yeah, and I'm sure that the weasel-girl wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

Kenshin nodded and smiled gleefully. "Maybe he's been doing that all along to ditch her?"

Somewhere off in distant parts of the Labyrinth of Doom, Aoshi and Misao both started sneezing.

"Are you getting sick?" Soujirou asked his companion. "Maybe we should slow down?"

"No, I'm fine." Aoshi said as they continued to sprint down the corridor. "I just have this feeling like someone's talking about me." To top it off, he had the _strangest_ feeling that the people talking about him had just uncovered one of his deepest, darkest secrets…

"Well anyway, let's go save Misao." Soujirou smiled cheerfully. "She's gotta be close. I think I heard her sneezing."

* * *

The maze was incredibly confusing.

Even with all 50 of the maps, Saitoh was having difficulty navigating. He decided to take a fifteen minute smoking break and try and puzzle out his whereabouts.

He spread the maps out on the ground, fitting them together with anal retentive precision. Chou had tried to borrow a few of them but Saitoh had refused.

It was good to be the boss.

He reached into his front pocket for his nicotine fix. Everything was proceeding within acceptable parameters. He was alone and soon he would find his wife and rescue her. Then he'd find out how the Souma clan had managed to transfer their age old curse. He was sure it wouldn't be too hard to undo because he knew just who to beat the information out of. He smiled to himself.

Saitoh was a little surprised when the only thing in his first pocket was the faded picture of Tokio. He ran a critical eye over it, inspecting it for any creases or stains. Sagara Sanosuke was an idiot, but he was a lucky one. He'd managed to bring no harm to the priceless possession. Saitoh traced one finger across the picture, reminiscing about the day it was taken.

When he was through being sentimental, he replaced the mask of his cold exterior. It just wouldn't do to have someone wander in and spot him looking all sappy.

That would be irritating.

In fact, he was getting really irritated just thinking about it. He realized that it was way past time to satisfy a certain craving.

Saitoh stuck his white-gloved hand into his next pocket, looking for his cigarette stash. He came up empty.

He searched his next pocket and the next, with similar results. "Empty." He said, searching another pocket. "Empty. Empty. EMPTY!" Before he could even begin to wonder how many pockets he had, a realization exploded into his head like one of Katsu's bombs.

In all the madness of being separated from his special picture, he'd forgotten about his cigarettes.

He jumped to his feet, the wind scattering his neatly placed maps.

"That idiot!" Saitoh growled as he held his clenched fists up, raging against the world. "It's all HIS fault!"

He could practically see Sano standing before him, mocking him. The imaginary gangster turned and started heading down the hallway and Saitoh glared as he noticed the writing on his back. His nicotine deprived senses focused on that single kanji, until he could think of nothing else.

The character for evil: Aku.

Saitoh drew his sword like some kind of possessed marionette. "Aku. Soku. Zan."

When he snapped back to full awareness, he spent a moment wondering why his sword was lodged in the wall. It seemed silly to waste time gatotsu-ing inanimate objects.

Then he remembered his predicament.

He quickly decided to go back and find The Room of Confusion. He picked up some of the maps and flipped through them frantically. There was no way he was going to be able to use them. It would take more concentration than he was willing to muster without help from a little roll of tobacco.

He angrily started sprinting down the hallway. It took him a moment to realize that he'd left his sword in the wall and when he ran back to get it he experienced the strangest sensation.

The hair on the back of his neck started standing straight up, bristling like a dog's hackles.

Someone was there with him in the maze.

A split-second later his super-sensitive hearing detected the distinct and familiar sound of someone striking a match. He spun on his heels, facing off down a side passage. His unwanted companion was nowhere in sight.

The pleasant odor of cigarette smoke wafted down the hall. He didn't need his super-sensitive dog smelling to know that whoever-it-was was smoking his brand. It didn't take a genius to extrapolate from there.

Well, actually, it might have. But Saitoh prided himself on being pretty damn smart.

"You're awfully cocky." He put on an air of casual indifference. "I thought you would have learned your lesson when we fought the first time."

A playful voice seemed to drift from nowhere in particular. "You know as well as I do that I let you win the first time, Saitoh Hajime."

Saitoh smirked coldly. "Care to come on out and test that theory? Or is the great Souma Gure afraid?"

A man wearing traditional clothing stepped out of a secret passageway in the wall. Saitoh watched him, impassively.

Souma Gure smiled around a stolen cigarette and nodded his greeting to his enemy. "These are some quality smokes." He took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew a cloud in Saitoh's direction. "I'm betting that you're dying to get your hands on them."

"Nobody's dying here but you."

Gure looked amused. "You're quite the comedian. A tad violent for my tastes, but funny nonetheless."

Saitoh pulled his katana out of the wall and slid into his infamous stance. "You have something of mine."

Gure looked at the cigarette. "Aren't you overreacting? I've only smoked one of them."

He might have been able to fool someone else with his clueless act, but Saitoh knew better. "You know what I'm talking about."

Gure gave him an appraising look. "Of course I do. And I know that you knew that. I was just teasing."

"I don't like games."

"Liar." Gure replied with a grin. "You just don't like games that you're not in control of."

Saitoh narrowed his eyes and prepared to launch his attack. "Where is she?"

"I'm not planning on hurting your woman, so you can relax. In fact, I've become quite fond of her. Tokio is an amazing woman, wouldn't you agree?"

Saitoh had heard enough. He shot down the hallway in a flash, sword aiming directly for Souma Gure's heart. Nobody messed with his woman and lived to tell the tale.

The man either didn't have a chance to move, or didn't want to and in all his unbalancing rage, awareness dawned just a moment too late for Saitoh.

It was a trick.

A second before the tip of his katana would have punctured Gure's chest, it impacted against glass. In the dim lighting of the corridor, Saitoh hadn't even noticed it. There was a tremendous crash as the pane shattered, sending shards everywhere. Saitoh barely managed to shield his eyes from the dagger-like fragments.

There was a long moment as time seemed to slow. Saitoh's senses were engulfed by the sound of the glass as it tinkled to the floor.

When it stopped, he lowered his arm and inspected a large triangular shard embedded in his arm. His shirtsleeve was sliced to ribbons, bright red blood trailing from a series of lacerations.

He looked down to find the rest of his body in much the same condition. He felt oddly detached from it all.

Gure stood safely out of his range with the same carefree grin plastered to his face. "That was pretty impressive." He watched as Saitoh pulled a long shard of glass from his side with a shaking hand. "I know you don't want to hear this, but you're quite predictable. I knew if I mentioned your wife, you'd rush me without a thought, straight through the booby-trap glass."

"Tokio..." Saitoh looked up at his enemy, snarling viciously. "If you hurt her..."

"I already told you I'm not going to hurt her." Gure assured him. "But if you're still intent on rescuing her, you'd better hurry. Pretty soon all of your efforts are going to be meaningless."

Saitoh was reminded of some of his top secret information about the Souma clan. "Mind erasure. You're going to wipe her mind blank and keep her for your own." He was starting to feel a little lightheaded from the blood loss. He jabbed his sword into the ground and used it to prop himself up, exposing his current weakness.

"Bingo." Gure commented. "I thought it was a nice little touch. Once I figured out how to transfer the curse, the first thing on my mind was women." He grinned. "And by taking all of yours, we save ourselves the trouble of having to deal with crazy women seeking revenge."

Gure turned and pressed a section of the wall, exposing a secret passageway with a ladder. "Your widow and I will be waiting upstairs." He turned and headed inside, grabbing a rung and hoisting himself up. "Take your time, see to your wounds."

"If you want me dead, kill me now." Saitoh told him, his eyes narrowed and calculating as he stood there bleeding helplessly.

Gure laughed and continued climbing. "Oh please, I know you're putting on an act. If I attacked you now you'd waste me with your Zero stance."

His amused laughter faded as he ascended.

Once he was out of sight and sound, Saitoh stood up easily. He took his sword and flicked it once to remove the trail of his own blood before sheathing it.

His injuries weren't life threatening, but they'd certainly slow him down and make things difficult. He'd paid for the price for losing his cool. It was a mistake he wouldn't be making twice.

* * *

With her arms bound, Megumi had no way to catch herself as her captor pushed her roughly into a cavernous room.

"Welcome to The Room of Eternal Torment." He smiled ruthlessly and removed her gag.

The big room was empty. Megumi wasn't sure what was supposed to be so scary about it.

"If you're trying to frighten me, it's not working." She stated defiantly. "And just for the record, I won't be falling for _any_ of your tricks. I've seen right through you, you pathetic psycho."

Some people would have tried to appease their kidnapper by being polite. Megumi knew better. She had a strict policy of speaking her mind, even in the most dangerous of situations.

It would probably get her in trouble one day. She hoped it was one day far far away.

"You're lucky that you're so attractive." The man crouched on his heels, bringing his face to her eyelevel. He reached out and brushed some hair out of her eyes.

He wanted her to flinch. Megumi didn't. Instead, she smiled wryly. "I can't say the same for you."

He grinned and then winced at the pull of tender flesh. One side of his face was covered in a deep purple bruise. Megumi didn't need to be a doctor to know that the man had had a run in with someone's fist, repeatedly. And judging by the severity of the wound, she had a really good guess who had been doing the punching.

Besides, most skilled warriors knew better than to punch their opponents directly in the face. You were more likely to break your own hand in the process.

"I hope that Sanosuke finishes the job he started when he comes to rescue me. Your face will look great in purple. It'll be a real improvement."

He slapped her. Her lip split and she could taste blood. It was worth it though. He was pissed.

"I can't _wait_ to teach you some manners." He said, his eyes glinting cruelly. "Everyone who disobeys me regrets it."

"I'm sure that everyone who _meets_ you regrets it." She quipped.

He drew his hand back to slap her a second time and Megumi braced for the blow. It never came as her captor lowered his hand, chuckling to himself.

"I certainly chose the right woman." He commented. "I was worried when they told me that you and that mentally deficient bottom-feeder were partners. I figured that any woman _he_ could get would be gutter-trash at best. What kind of woman falls for a freeloading gangster?"

Megumi's eyes flashed darkly. She wasn't sure if she was more insulted for herself or Sano. "For one thing, Sanosuke and I are not _partners_." Megumi corrected him. "And compared to him, you're pond scum."

"You're awfully free with your words." He stated threateningly. "I'd show the proper respect, if I were you."

"Well, if I were _you_ I'd drown myself in a mud puddle."

"Shut up, Woman!" He spat. "I am Souma Rekuno! The Souma Clan Leader's Right Hand Man!"

"Gosh you're boring." Megumi said with a little fake yawn. "Can you wake me when my rescuer gets here?"

"You're not going anywhere." Rekuno said angrily. "When your boyfriend arrives I'm going to kill him and THEN I'm going to have my cousin erase your memory."

"Sanosuke's definitely _not_ my boyfriend." She countered. "And you can shut up about the memory erasing stuff because I _know_ it's not possible. You can't scare me. I'm a doctor."

"I think I'm starting to get a really good idea about why you and the gangster aren't actually married. Maybe I was a little presumptuous about his intellect?"

Megumi didn't want to take the bait, but she was curious. "What do you mean?"

"Who'd want to be stuck with _you_ for the rest of his life? You could drive any man insane. I've only been alone with you for a few hours and I'm starting to feel this urge to pound my head against the wall."

"Feel free. I won't stop you." Megumi didn't bother to hide her anger.

He watched her in furious silence for a few moments and then turned and headed toward the entrance to the spacious room. There was only one other exit and Megumi decided to try and make a run for it.

She was just about on her feet when a dagger flew through the air, pinning her kimono to the floor. Her captor hadn't even bothered facing her as he threw it perfectly. Megumi spent a moment reassessing exactly how much trouble she was in.

"Don't you just wonder why this place is called "The Room of Eternal Torment"?"

Megumi remained silent.

"It's my _favorite_ room. My boss and I come down here quite often to meditate and contemplate the fate of the illustrious Souma Clan."

He pulled a hidden lever and a portion of the wall next to him rotated around, revealing an intimidating display of exotic weapons.

"You see. My clan is cursed. It has been for centuries." He pulled two metal gauntlets off the wall and slid them on. He flexed one fist and three claw-like daggers protruded with enough force to slice bone. He smiled and opened his hand. The daggers slid away into their hidden compartments with a hiss.

Megumi watched him coolly as he continued. "I've spent my entire life helping my clan look for a way to break the curse. And we finally found one. The only thing left is to clean up the mess." He chose a vicious looking foreign sword with a serrated edge. He inspected the blade and then slid it into an empty sheath on his back. "I know that you and your self-righteous friends may have difficulty imagining it, but sometimes people must be sacrificed for the good of others."

"I understand sacrifice." Megumi stated simply. "But what you're talking about is _murder_."

"I'm talking about saving my clan!"

"You're talking about killing 12 men who have nothing to do with you or your stupid curse! Most of them are GOOD men who only want to live peaceful lives."

"Just about every one of your "good" men deserves to die. Assassins, gangsters, terrorists, arms dealers, mercenaries… We chose them for a reason. And while I'm not proud of it, I am willing to kill to achieve the goals of my clan."

"Yeah," Megumi laced her words with sarcasm. "You're a hero."

He stood up proudly. "I am." He came back to her side and pulled her to her feet, the dagger ripped her kimono, but Megumi had bigger things to worry about. Her captor dragged her back toward the entrance and all his wicked looking weapons.

"Don't kid yourself." She said, desperately trying to keep her cool. "I've met genuine heroes. They're the men who're coming right now to rescue me and the others."

In a flash, he clenched his fist and brought the daggers under her chin, threatening her. "Scream." He commanded.

She stared back defiantly. "I won't."

"How do you expect your hero to find you if you don't make some noise?" He said with a disturbing grin. "Now scream."

* * *

"That's Megumi!" Sano pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the pain. "She's in trouble." She had to be. He'd never heard her scream like that before. She wasn't easily frightened.

"I think she's just trying to get our attention." Anji commented. "If we keep heading in this general direction we should be able to find her."

"Well, c'mon then." Sano took off at a run but his injuries caught up with him. He stumbled, barely catching himself against the side of the corridor.

"You can barely stand." Anji pointed out the obvious. "How are you planning on rescuing your girl?"

Sano grinned stupidly. "Well, I was thinking I could kind of sit there on the floor while you kicked some bad guy ass for me."

Anji had just a moment to stare at the ex-gangster before Sano pushed himself back to his own feet. His look had changed to one of stubborn determination. It was a look that Anji remembered from their duel at Shishio's.

"Just kiddin'." Sano continued. He started off again, keeping close to the wall incase he lost his balance.

Anji followed behind but pulled to a stop, abruptly.

Sano noticed and turned to face the large man. "What?"

Anji looked down at the ground. He could feel the floor shaking, like the early tremor of an earthquake. "Don't you feel that?" Anji asked.

Sano didn't.

"The ground is shaking."

"Oh." Sano replied dumbly, looking down at the wooden floor. "I thought that was just me."

The quaking picked up in intensity and was soon accompanied by the horrible screech of grinding metal. Whatever it was, it was big and headed straight for them.

"Run!" Anji commanded and immediately followed his own advice. Sano stumbled after him but judging by the tremors and increasing volume, he wouldn't be able to outrun whatever it was that was on their tail.

Anji wasn't famous for his speed, but Sano found himself having trouble keeping up with him.

The situation was bad, but it got a whole lot worse when all the openings to the side passageways slammed shut with a loud clunk, leaving them with one long straight hallway.

The grinding sound was getting closer. Sano cast a quick glance over his shoulder and wished he hadn't.

They were being followed by a messy wall of twisting spikes and vicious drill-shaped shredders. The machine or vehicle or whatever it was, was gaining on them with alarming speed. If Sano strained his ears, he was sure that he could hear the sound of maniacal laughter. It was actually kind of scary. He spent a moment wishing that he was back at the Aoiya drinking.

Sanosuke was too distracted by the approaching catastrophe to notice the tripwire. He felt it slice against his shin as he collapsed face first into the floor. Something clicked, but the background noise was too great for either of them to notice.

He had barely grunted his surprise, but somehow Anji had realized that his companion was in trouble. The giant of a man was at his side in an instant and roughly pulled him to his feet by the back collar of his white and black shirt.

"Go!" Anji gave him a guiding shove and Sano took a few stumbling steps before he realized that the fallen monk wasn't following.

"Anji, what the hell are you doing?" Sano turned to face the giant man who stood facing off against the Meat Grinder of Doom.

"Run! I'll buy you some time!" Anji's voice boomed out above the horrendous sound.

Sano couldn't let Anji be ground into hamburger to save his sorry hide. It just wouldn't have been right. "I'm not going anywhere!" He started back toward his friend and former mentor. Maybe they could combine their strength and defeat it? Things were about to get ugly. Really ugly. Ugly like Shishio without his bandages. Ugly like a sleep deprived Kaoru on a bad-hair day. Ugly like… Well, there wasn't really anything uglier that Sano could think of in that limited space of time.

"You can't die here." Anji turned and Sano could see a strange burning glow of determination in the fallen monk's eyes. "You've got a woman to save, Sagara Sanosuke."

Thoughts of Megumi filled Sano's head and he knew Anji was right.

"Anji..." There really weren't any words he could say to express his appreciation. He nodded his understanding and took off with renewed strength and speed. He vowed to live the rest of his life so that Anji would smile down upon him happily from above.

He'd barely taken ten running steps when the passageway slammed shut 5 meters in front of him.

"Shit."

He skidded to a halt and turned back anxiously to see what was going on with Anji and the grinder. The machine would close in on the fallen monk in a matter of seconds, but before that could happen, another unexpected and unfortunate turn of events took place.

A section of the ceiling came down, sealing off his view of Anji, and making a kind of ramp that led up into the dark unknown. Something large was moving inside the darkness and if Sano had been born about one hundred years later he might have experienced a sense of déjà vu.

A large, perfectly round boulder came hurtling in his direction. Sano didn't have the time to consider where someone could purchase a perfectly round giant boulder, but if he did, he probably wouldn't have because he didn't really care. Mostly he was just worried about getting flattened.

He took one look at the speeding boulder and one look at the wooden wall blocking his path. He made up his mind and pulled back his fist, letting it fly. He didn't even have to use the Futae no Kiwami to shatter the wooden barrier.

He took off running with a brand new sense of urgency as the boulder crashed through the remains behind him.

A brick wall slammed itself down, sealing off the passageway. Sano barely slowed as he pulled back his right fist and unleashed his devastating double punch. The bricks shattered and Sano broke on through to the other side.

The boulder was gaining but Sano had other things to irritate him as his path was blocked, once again, by a slab of solid stone.

Sano had always enjoyed shattering stone and it would have brought up nostalgic memories of the week he'd spent learning the Futae no Kiwami if his brain wasn't so busy thinking about other things. Stone made the most satisfying sound when it exploded.

Sano continued on, unhindered, for about 3 seconds.

A steel door became his next obstacle. Sano was really becoming irritated. If they were trying to piss him off, they were succeeding. Sano didn't pause as he punched the door with the Futae no Kiwami. The steel groaned as his hand passed straight through and he ripped a person-sized hole in the twisted metal.

The boulder didn't slow as it crashed through the remaining steel.

Sano had learned the pattern by heart so he wasn't surprised when the next door slammed down, blocking his path. It was reinforced steel with large protruding spikes.

Sano had had enough of their games. He came to a complete stop in front of the wall and turned back to face the rolling ball of death. The boulder wasn't any different than the stones he'd used to practice his moves on. Well, it was a whole lot bigger, but Sano was too angry to worry about details.

With a roar he threw both fists forward for a simultaneous Futae no Kiwami attack. During his five year world travels he'd had plenty of time to perfect the move with different parts of his body. He'd learned how to use his left fist barely a month after leaving Japan. It had been kind of necessary since his right fist spent a lot of time being broken and useless.

The boulder exploded into pebbles. Sano rounded on the spiked door and obliterated it.

He stomped down the hallway, mad as hell and unwilling to jump through any more hoops. Apparently his tormentors were through playing games with him because he made it all the way to the large, spacious room without any more surprises.

He stepped into The Room of Eternal Torment without a moment's hesitation. Dumb names couldn't scare him after everything he'd just been through.

On the far side of the otherwise empty room, Sano spotted the one person he wanted to see more than any other. Unfortunately, she was in the company of someone that Sano hadn't thought he'd ever meet again.

Megumi noticed him immediately and her face brightened up. "Sanosuke!" She called his name and it was the sweetest thing he'd heard in a long while. To say that she was happy to see him would have been an understatement.

It seemed she'd forgiven him for his earlier misbehavior. Life or death situations really had a way of bringing people together. Assuming that they both survived whatever was in store for them…

Souma Rekuno grabbed Megumi and pulled her close. "Glad you could join us." He called out to Sano. "But don't you think three's a crowd?"

Sanosuke tensed like a steel coil, ready to rush across the room and pound in his opponent's face. "Three _is_ a crowd." He growled. "Let her go, you bastard!"

"Not just yet." Rekuno grinned evilly and reached for a lever on the wall. Sano wasn't sure what was going to happen if he pulled it, but he decided it would probably be very bad. He raced toward the man but the room was far too big to cover in that amount of time.

Rekuno slammed the lever down and laughed.

Sano fell as a section of the floor dropped out from underneath him. Luckily, his momentum carried him far enough forward to catch a part of the floor that hadn't dropped. He pulled himself up and stood transfixed by the sight before him.

It was like ninja magic. The entire room had been transformed into a series of raised walkways and pits full of meter long spikes. It had become a twisted obstacle course with swinging blades, shooting flames, rickety walkways, and all manner of booby-traps.

Megumi screamed his name as Rekuno dragged her off into the far exit, laughing the entire time.

Sano's shoulders slumped as he stood there in the middle of The Room of Eternal Torment.

"This sucks."

* * *

**Author's Notes 2: **I spent the last weekend riding around on a charter bus with my co-workers. (btw, I live in Japan) We spent one day in Osaka and then cruised around to different places of interest. At one point, we ended up stopping at a rest stop in the town of Ueno in Mie Prefecture. This city is the famous breeding ground of Ninjas! I kept warning people not to buy anything because the minute they paid money for the ninja goods, they'd probably disappear. The place was absolutely crawling with ninjas. I was on my guard the whole time. And then, one of my co-workers asked me if I'd ever SEEN a ninja... Poor ignorant fool... Haha.

**Review Comments**

**lolo popoki: **Hey hey, thanks for all the help! I wouldn't have posted today without you. 8D I'm glad I got your opinion on this before I posted. Anyway, thanks for the great review and the comment on my sister's art. She really appreciated it (and it's the only way I can continue to get her to do fanart for my fanfics). 8D I'm glad that you enjoyed the Enishi and Kenshin scene (in this chapter and the previous). Those two really have an interesting dynamic. I've got some great battles in store for them and everyone else. Enjoy!

**GirlWaterShaman: **I like how you cheer for Aoshi and Misao and then clearly state that Soujirou is yours. So I'm wondering; do you really like Aoshi and Misao as a couple? Or do you just want Soujirou for yourself:P

**JML: **Damn, I figured if anyone would know about Advent Children's release date, it would be you. Oh well. Everyone on the main website says that it's going to be released directly to DVD... but how cool would it be to have a theatrical release? Uh, and yeah... history paradox. Chances are _pretty_ good that the Souma clan isn't going to be any more successful at defeating the Kenshin-gumi than anybody else has been. 8D

**Mimi-san**:MEDIC! I don't wanna lose one of my faithful readers before the end! Hopefully you'll be able to survive all the coming suspense. Hehe. Glad you enjoyed all the stuff with Kenshin and Enishi, though when you wrote "Kenshin x Enishi" you gave me funny thoughts about the two of them. 8D

**Night-Owl123: **Thanks! I will! 8D

**Nominis Expers: **Aww, you're not **No one** anymore... Don't worry, you'll always be **No one **to me! 8D Thanks for snogging me! Was it good for you, too? And I had to laugh about your Aoshi x Misao prediction... Have you been reading my mind, or what:P

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Ah ha! See? You were _almost_ off your chair! If it was _really_ funny you'd be on the floor:P Anyway, glad you're enjoying this!

**FairyMage: **Wow! You get my **MVR** title this time around! (Most Valuable Reviewer!) You came and left me a review for all 15 chapters right in a row... I was truly impressed. You've got so many good comments that it's hard to reply to them all. But, just for the record, I really got a kick out of shoving Tsubame into a cupboard. If you're demented and evil for getting a kick out of it, what does that make me? Mwahaha. Thanks for hopping aboard this crazy ride. Hope you love what I've got in store for everyone!

**Lexi-Teniro:** I love you for loving this! 8D I've always wondered if "serieses" is a real word though... I mean, I use it all the time but my spell-checker tells me that it's not. Oh well. Hehehe. Thanks for the review!

**Firuze Khanume: **Thanks for the spectacular review! I really enjoy hearing what you've got to say about this stuff. I'm glad I could do Enishi and Kenshin's relationship justice. It's sometimes hard to find his voice when all I have to go on are bad translations of the manga and my own limited Japanese comprehension. (not to mention the Seishouhen... but let's just not mention that). 8D As for the Meiji day Souma's, only some of them are directly based on their modern day counterparts. Guys like Ryoshi aren't really based on the FB characters, or else he'd be a shy little girl with no self-esteem. Heh. Oh yeah, thanks for the great comment about my sister's work. She really appreciates it!

**MZ.AMbER EYES: **Hehe. Yeah, I see your point. Watching the guys squirm can be quite enjoyable.

**princess-oro: **Hanzo IS gorgeous. Just imagine the most gorgeous man you can think of and that's him. 8D Hm, does Enishi love love Kaoru? Good question. At this point I doubt he really understands what he's feeling. Kaoru kind of helped save his soul. You can argue that he loves her like a little brother would, but judging by his messed up perceptions of familial bonds, it could be much more than sibling love. 8D

**marbles: **Hiya! Thanks for the cool reviews. I'm glad you got a kick out of everything. (especially Aoshi, ne?) I could have made Aoshi the dragon, but really, Kenshin is soooo the dragon. And yeah, Aoshi and Hatori have more in common than Kenshin and Hatori, but that wasn't exactly what I was going for. Anyway, thanks for reading!

**Hidari:** A hopeless romantic, eh? I could tell you what's going to happen with the couples, but that would ruin all the fun. 8D Glad that I've convinced you to go spend lots of money on FB DVD's. Heck, I don't even own them, and here I am doing all this free advertisement for the series... I should be getting paid. 8D

**Kaoru4: **I'm glad you enjoyed Enishi's declaration of love. 8D Maybe he'll get a chance to prove how much he loves Kaoru in the next chapter or so? And thanks for the comment about the art. My sister really appreciated it! I thought the glasses were a really nice touch. 8D

**Queeney: **Gosh, anything could happen from here on out. ANYTHING. Hope you love it!

**ChunkyMonkey241: **Hey, why do you have 241 in your penname? What's it stand for? Dunno why, but I'm suddenly curious. Hehe, cheerful Soujirou. Yeah, he's a little over-the-top isn't he? It's good fun.

**M.Kasshoku: **Enishi kicks all sorts of ass. I don't think I'm really doing him justice but I'm having a lot of fun writing him. Now, mind you, he's a little more friendly and mentally stable in Juunishi than he was in the manga. He's probably my favorite bad guy of all time though (well, unless you count Saitoh, who doesn't really count anymore). Glad you liked Ryoshi. If I could get my sister to draw him I'd spend hours drooling. 8D

**XxOtakuxBeanxX:** Thanks for the review! Ninja jokes are hilarious, but real ninjas are even MORE hilarious. Just the other day I left my window open and I came back to my apartment to find it CRAWLING with ninjas. I had to go to the convenience store and buy ninja-repellant and ninja-poison. They have this special brand of poisoned ninja-snack that you leave sitting out and when the ninjas eat them and die, you throw their bodies out with the burnable trash. 8D Isn't that convenient?


	17. Business and Pleasure

**Author's Notes (3-17-05): **It's my birthday today! So as a present to all of you, I decided to post! I kind of like this chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it too. 8D I know March 17 is tomorrow for most of you, so have a Happy St. Patty's Day!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it.

* * *

**Juunishi Part 17**

Tokio was not particularly surprised when the trap door opened. She turned hopefully, expecting to see the scowling face of her sweetie-pie.

Unfortunately, it was not her dear husband who crawled up into the room. It was her captor, a man she honestly never expected to see again.

She sipped her tea as she watched him carefully, looking for signs of mortal wounds. "I thought you said you were going to pay my husband a visit?"

Souma Gure brushed cobwebs out of his carefree hair and smiled charmingly　as he replied. "I did. He's in a _really_ bad mood."

Tokio was stumped. "I'm surprised he didn't kill you outright." She said glumly. Hajime was usually so efficient. She wondered what the problem could be.

"Oh, he tried." Gure grinned.

It didn't make any sense. "You must be good." She muttered. Or was it possible that Hajime was simply not putting the same amount of effort into his work?

She'd never been kidnapped before. Maybe her husband didn't know how to deal with it? Or worse, what if he wasn't even worried about her? Maybe he was taking his time because he was in no hurry to see her?

Or maybe he was even _mad_ at her?

Saitoh Hajime liked to separated business and pleasure. Into which category did her rescue fall?

Tokio took another calming sip of tea and waited for answers. She hoped she didn't have to wait _too_ long. Her patience was wearing thin.

* * *

"Just a little bit farther." Seta Soujirou called over his shoulder as he sped down the corridor. Aoshi stubbornly raced after him, using every ounce of strength in his body to keep up. He wouldn't allow Soujirou the satisfaction of outpacing him.

Forget the fact that everybody and their grandmother knew that Soujirou was faster. Aoshi ran on, lungs burning and legs starting to ache.

When Soujirou came to a dead stop there was nothing Aoshi could do to avoid him. He slammed into Soujirou's back and the two of them flew forward, sprawling out on the wooden floor of the Labyrinth of Doom with a tremendous clatter.

Soujirou was the first to regain his composure. He sat up, rubbing his head mournfully. "Whatever happened to those infamous ninja reflexes?" He asked with a pained smile. It was obvious that he was just taking a playful dig at his companion.

But Aoshi was not a playful man. His scowl was in danger of becoming permanent.

Aoshi went to get to his feet but his long sheath became entangled with his coat and his coat became entangled with his legs and he failed spectacularly in the attempt.

It was quite possibly the clumsiest thing that he'd ever done.

Soujirou couldn't help but laugh. "If I reported that I think they could take away your ninja license."

Aoshi was madder than any metaphor. To try and quantify his anger would be like trying to count grains of sand on a beach. So don't bother.

At any rate, he wanted to say something that would _really_ put Soujirou in his place. However, he couldn't think of anything except to point out something so obvious that even the former assassin should have known. "Ninjas don't have licenses."

Soujirou blinked as he got to his feet. "Um. I'm quite sure they do." He seemed hesitant to continue, but continue he did. "When Shishio-san and I were initially hiring for our army of mindless followers, we only accepted ninja applicants with the proper license and paperwork. There's something about a ninja test when you reach a certain age."

"I've never heard about it." Aoshi stated as though the fact was proof enough to dispel all argument. "I was the former leader of the Oniwabanshu. Between the two of us, I know who the ninja expert is."

"When did you become the leader?" Soujirou asked conversationally.

"When I was young." Aoshi hated giving out personal information to irritating people.

"Well, maybe the rules changed or something? Maybe after the Bakumatsu?"

Aoshi opened his mouth to discredit the possibility but something was nagging at the back of his mind. He'd taken off soon after the Bakumatsu with Hannya and the others. They'd started working outside the clan, away from ninja rules and regulations.

Was it possible that he wasn't actually an official, card-carrying member of the ninja profession? Maybe Misao and Okina knew about it the whole time but they didn't want to say anything for fear of hurting his feelings? What if everyone else knew and they were laughing about him behind his back?

The tragedy of it all seemed to seep into his bones, chilling him to the very core.

Could the day get any worse?

He was afraid to ask.

* * *

"Man, this place is _cree-py_." Yutarou tried to strike up a casual conversation.

Yahiko ignored him. He'd finally remembered that he was really angry with Yutarou for all the suspicious stuff involving Tsubame and nakedness.

They continued on in silence for a few minutes before Yutarou couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sure that Tsubame is fine. We'll be able to rescue her, no problem."

"_I'm _rescuing her." Yahiko stated. "You just try to stay out of my way."

There was no point in arguing with the stubborn swordsman. "Fine."

They lapsed back into uncomfortable silence. The corridors themselves seemed to be making strange noises that Yutarou couldn't quite explain, but he didn't like it. Even conversation with an angry Yahiko was preferable.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something inane, he perceived what could only be the sound of whispering. He glanced at his companion. "Did you say something, Yahiko?"

"No."

The whispering continued. It was unintelligible but Yutarou had this feeling that if he could only strain his ears a little more, he'd be able to understand. The words seemed to be jumbled together. Perhaps there was more than one person whispering?

Yutarou definitely didn't like it. "What do you think that whispering sound is?"

"What are you yapping about?" Yahiko glared at him. "I don't hear anything."

The whispering was getting louder. Yutarou slowed to a stop and faced back down the dim, creepy corridor.

Yahiko sighed in irritation and stopped. "You're wasting my time."

"Shhh." Yutarou said and then began listening intently.

"What are you doing?" Yahiko finally appraised the situation and found it just a little spooky. His friend stood there with his eyes closed, focusing on something beyond normal perception.

Yutarou's eyes flashed open and he turned excitedly to the Tokyo Samurai. "I can understand it!"

"What?"

Yutarou closed his eyes again for a moment, concentrating intensely. "They say, _he's coming_."

Yahiko was confused. "_Who_ says _who's _coming?"

"I dunno." Yutarou kind of shrugged. "But I think it's a warning. Maybe we should run?"

Yahiko scoffed, folded his arms, and planted his feet. "The great Myoujin Yahiko runs from _no_ man."

Something was coalescing at the edge of the shadows that could have very easily been another endless army of ninjas. Whatever it was, it was moving toward them. Realization finally struck Yutarou.

"Oh Rats!"

"Rats, what?" Yahiko missed the point.

"No. Rats!" Yutarou pointed frantically. A fuzzy moving carpet was heading straight for them.

Yahiko took one look at the rodents and bolted. The great Myoujin Yahiko wasn't _afraid_, but he had no intention of letting the rats crawl all over him with their dirty little rat feet and beady little rat eyes and sharp pointy little rat teeth and dirty little rat diseases. One rat he could handle, and indeed, one rat he HAD handled. But not in _that_ way since he had absolutely no interest in his rival who just happened to turn into a rat occasionally.

It took him a second to realize that Yutarou wasn't following.

Yahiko barely willed himself to stop running. "Yutarou!" He tried to get his friend's attention but it was too late.

The rats swarmed, engulfing Yutarou completely. Only a few continued on past, heading straight for Yahiko. He jumped and planted his feet on one side of the corridor and his hands on the other, holding himself above the scurrying critters while trying valiantly not to look at their squirmy little rat bodies and nasty little wormy tails.

Once they were gone, Yahiko dropped back down and hurried toward the mound of rats that was formerly known as his best friend. "Yutarou! Are you dead?" He didn't really want to get close enough to find out.

The mound shifted and seemed to turn in his direction. A few of the rats parted, revealing Yutarou's unscathed face. He grinned. "Geeze man. I never thought I'd live to see the _great Myoujin Yahiko_ run screaming like a little girl."

Any happiness that Yahiko felt at the discovery that his friend wasn't dead, evaporated. "I wasn't screaming. And more importantly! What the hell are you doing? Those rats are gross!"

Yutarou looked offended and Yahiko couldn't imagine why.

"They're just afraid. They want me to protect them."

"From what?" Yahiko ignored the implication that the rodents were somehow communicating with his companion. It was too strange to think about.

"From me." A mysterious personage stepped out from the shadows. Rats squealed in fear.

Yahiko turned to the newcomer and with recognition came boredom. "What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you and your useless army of ninjas be hiding somewhere?"

Souma Kyoshiro grinned like some kind of feral beast. Yahiko noticed, for the first time, that Kyoshiro's eyes weren't like normal people's. Even in the faint lighting, his pupils were vertical slits, like a cat or reptile.

He had just enough time to contemplate the creepiness before Kyoshiro launched himself forward with surprising speed, drawing a hidden ninja sword.

Yahiko pulled his custom made sakabatou from the sheath at his back and brought the sword down in one powerful arcing blow. Kyoshiro held his sword up horizontally, catching Yahiko's attack easily but he underestimated the superior coolness of the young swordsman.

Yahiko's sakabatou shattered the crap-quality ninja sword that Kyoshiro had been given by his clan. The attack would have continued straight into Kyoshiro's shoulder, but the ninja had honed his reflexes far too well to be caught in the path. He sidestepped, twisting his shoulder and body out of the way. The sakabatou continued unhindered and shattered the wood floor with its shockwave.

Kyo jumped back out of the way, barely avoiding the blast. He flipped and landed on his feet with feline grace. A fraction of a second after his toes touched down, he launched himself at the young swordsman, unarmed.

Yahiko hadn't been expecting an attack so soon after his impressive display. Usually his opponents wet themselves before they were able to try and counterattack. When Kyoshiro's bicep slammed into his throat in a perfect clothesline attack, Yahiko was more annoyed than injured.

The momentum of the attack took him down, and Kyoshiro flipped over his prone form. Yahiko kicked up to his feet and turned to face his opponent, sakabatou pointed threateningly in Kyo's direction.

Yutarou just stood there in his pile of rat friends, watching in awe.

"You're pretty good, kid." Kyoshiro commented as he waited for the right moment to strike.

"Who're you calling 'kid'?" Yahiko said with an intimidating glare. "You don't look that much older than me."

"Well," Kyoshiro replied. "It's not so much a matter of age as experience．And I've been training in mountains against bears and stuff for as long as I can remember."

Yahiko looked amused. "And to think, I've been wasting my time training in a _proper_ dojo with the _greatest_ warriors of the Bakumatsu and Meiji Era. Not to mention risking my life in fights to keep Japan safe from bastards like _you_."

Kyoshiro narrowed his evil looking eyes. "You don't know anything."

"I know that you and your whole clan are a bunch of cowards." Yahiko retorted. "Kidnapping women, cursing your opponents, designing evil bases full of who-knows-what-kind of traps and tricks. You guys are beyond pathetic."

"My clan has always had its own twisted agenda." Kyoshiro admitted. "But that doesn't really concern me. All I'm concerned about is _him_." He pointed back down the hall at Yutarou.

Yutarou let out a surprised squeak that might have actually been one of the rats. Yahiko wasn't too sure.

"Me?" Yutarou asked, his voice cracking from fear and puberty. "What'd I do?"

"I just don't like rats." Kyoshiro grinned maliciously. "Fight me, you damn rodent. I'm going to kick your ass until your nose bleeds."

"Um, if I'm not mistaken, _I'm_ your opponent." Yahiko reminded him. "Though it _would_ be really funny to watch you beat on Yutarou." He lowered his guard and shot his rival a dirty look.

"Hey!" Yutarou cried indignantly. "I could take him, no problem."

"Whatever, man." Yahiko said dismissively. "We both know he'd own you."

"As if." Yutarou huffed. "And I could kick _your_ ass any day of the week."

"Please. When's the last time that you've even come close to matching me?"

Yutarou mumbled. "When we were ten."

"Yeah. You're talking ancient history."

Kyoshiro cleared his throat. "Um, guys? I hate to interrupt, but I'd really like to smear the rat-boy all over the walls now. Thanks." He sped toward Yutarou, thinking, for some dumb reason, that he'd managed to catch Yahiko off guard.

Yahiko was totally ready for him and when the ninja tried to brush past he slammed him into the wall with the blunt edge of his sakabatou.

"Moron." Yahiko smirked. "As if I'd step down from this fight."

Kyoshiro peeled himself off the wall and jumped back out of Yahiko's range. "Interesting. So I guess I'll have to finish you off first."

Yahiko grinned confidently and assumed his favorite stance. "You can try."

* * *

Kenshin and Enishi stepped into The Room of Sharp Pointy Things, side by side.

Hanzo and Ryoshi stood on the opposite side of the spacious room, weapons in hand.

Kaoru couldn't contain her excitement. "Kenshin!" He'd come for her. He was going to rescue her just like always. Things were going to be fine.

Hanzo turned to Kaoru and gave her an understanding smile beneath his fierce dragon mask. "You've been married to the Hitokiri Battousai long enough, so I'm sure you know how this works. You're just going to have to stand here and watch as I defeat your husband. No interfering. If you do I cannot vouch for your safety."

Kaoru nodded. "I understand." It was nice of him to warn her. She could tell that the Souma guys weren't really all that bad, deep down inside. Kaoru was grateful for the fact that they really hadn't mistreated her, whole kidnapping issue aside. It was quite possible, under different circumstances, that they could have all become friends. "Thank you." She said, and meant it.

His eyes seemed to soften a bit as he accepted her gratitude with a nod. "It will be over fast." He assured her. "And then everything will be better."

"You don't have to tell me this." Kaoru grinned, thinking about the true meaning of her comment. "Anyway." She patted him jokingly on one spiny shoulder. "May the _best_ man _win_."

Hanzo started walking off to the center of the room, mistakenly heartened by Kaoru's encouragement.

Kenshin cocked his head to one side. "Oro?" Perhaps he had taken too long to rescue his wife and she'd forgotten all about him? First Enishi and now some evil mastermind who just happened to be extremely attractive and really cool looking in his dragon armor. Kaoru had always been attracted to bad boys. Sometimes Kenshin hated his life.

Kaoru turned toward her husband and rolled her eyes when she noticed his downcast look. "That was me being ironic." She called over to him.

Kenshin perked up. "Really?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Do I have to come over there and hit you? Hurry up and beat this guy so we can go home." She finished with a brilliant smile that seemed to sweep away all doubt from Kenshin.

Kenshin stepped forward confidently, smiling sweetly at his wife. "Yes dear."

Mr. Tiger Tattoos walked toward Enishi, grinning from ear to ear. "Long time no see."

Enishi looked bored. "Not long enough." He pulled his Chinese sword from its sheath. "I'm tired and cranky. Let's get this over with."

"My pleasure." Ryoshi broke into a crazed sprint, covering the distance between them in a flash. Enishi twisted around, pulling his sword in a circling arc and bringing all that centrifugal force to bear against his opponent.

Ryoshi rolled at the last possible moment, dodging under the attack. He pulled his body into a tight ball and then pushed off with his hands. His legs shot out, catching Enishi squarely in the chest and sending him back one staggering step.

Ryoshi was on his feet in an instant and he followed through with a double roundhouse kick that _nobody_ saw coming (except for Kenshin, Enishi, and Hanzo). Upon impact with Ryoshi's boot, Enishi's head rocked to one side.

Ryoshi was waiting for his opponent to topple and fall, but a moment later Enishi turned toward him, smiling sinisterly. A tiny trickle of blood seeped from his nose to his lips. Ryoshi was sure that his attack would have flattened a normal opponent. He'd thought he'd judged Enishi's strength correctly in their previous fight.

He was wrong.

Enishi ignored the blood. "Is that all you've got? My dead sister hits harder than you."

Ryoshi drew his sword-breaker and threw himself forward with a roar while Kenshin and Hanzo finally crossed the freaking huge room so they could confront each other.

"I'll be taking my wife home now, that I will." Kenshin said in his most irritatingly polite rurouni voice. Kaoru cheered from the sidelines.

Hanzo grimaced and slid into his patented Twin Weapon Dragon Stance. "I have nothing to say to a dead man."

Kenshin switched into serious mode by narrowing his eyes and placing his hand on the hilt of his sakabatou. "I guess we'll just have to talk after I've knocked some sense into you."

Hanzo spared a glance at Ryoshi and Enishi's fight and then refocused his attention on the matter at hand. "Time to die, Battousai."

He came forward with blinding speed and Kenshin had to reassess his opponent's abilities. Hanzo had certainly done a good job of hiding his true power in their first fight. It didn't really matter though. Kenshin had no intention of losing.

He drew his sword and stepped forward with his right foot, executing an exceptional battou-jutsu style attack. Hanzo had raised his swords to strike, leaving his sides and torso unguarded.

The sakabatou cracked against the yoroi armor with a resounding thunk. Kenshin knew that he would have some difficulty getting the full force of his attack through the protective covering, but he had no reason to doubt his own strength.

When Hanzo brought both swords slashing down, Kenshin realized that he'd need to switch tactics.

But first, he needed to use every ounce of speed he could muster to avoid the blades. Hanzo was incredibly fast, and at that proximity Kenshin could only pull himself back, hoping to avoid the worst of it. He felt the tips of the blades slice into his chest, scratching shallow wounds as he pulled out of their range.

Hanzo pressed his advantage, lunging forward with a single blade. Kenshin parried and then dodged as Hanzo brought his second sword into the offensive a split second later.

Kenshin counterattacked with all his legendary prowess. He threw his blade into a series of quick attacks, hoping to crack the formidable defenses of the Japanese armor. "Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, Ryu Sou Sen!" He announced since it was the polite thing to do. Also, moves are always more impressive when they've got really long names. Hiko had taught him that.

Hanzo was neither fazed by the attack nor the name. "Useless!" He cried inanely as he blocked Kenshin's furious assault. Combat had a tendency of making even the most eloquent of men sound like morons.

Hanzo brought his second sword to his first, catching Kenshin's sakabatou in a scissor-like hold. He guided all three of the blades downward, out of the way, and then brought his knee up into Kenshin's side, viciously.

The dragon spines on the leg armor sunk into Kenshin's abdomen. Kaoru cried out her surprise and shouted Kenshin's name.

Kenshin seemed severely weakened. He stood there, silently bleeding and staring down at the floor.

Hanzo smiled, fully believing that he had the upper hand. "Your attacks will never penetrate this armor. Eventually your injuries will completely wear down your legendary stamina. When that happens, I win and you die."

He prepared to jab his knee into Kenshin's side a second time, but he never got the chance. Kenshin pulled his sword up with enough force to send a shockwave shooting along the ground, shattering the wood. "Dou Ryu Sen!"

Hanzo was so surprised by the strength of the attack that it was impossible for him to keep a grip on his swords. They flew up into the air, dragged by the air displacement vacuum created by Kenshin's sakabatou.

Hanzo stood before his opponent, disarmed and enraged. He prepared to charge like a bull, aiming his really sharp horned helmet at Kenshin's chest. The former rurouni brought his sword down like a bolt of lightning. It crashed dead center against the kabuto, driving Hanzo face-first into the ground at Kenshin's feet.

Hanzo's helmet took the brunt of the blow, allowing the dragon warrior to continue the fight, uninjured. He lashed out with his foot, hoping his sweep kick would catch Kenshin off guard. Kenshin leapt up into the air and came flying back down, sword first. "Ryu Tsui Sen!"

He impacted, once again, with the dragon helmet. Hanzo slammed into the wooden floor but immediately got back to his feet.

He laughed. "This armor is indestructible! And as long as I wear it, you will never be able to defeat me."

Kenshin casually rested his sakabatou against the crook of his arm. He raised his left hand and brought his thumb and middle finger together.

Hanzo watched feeling a bit puzzled. "What are you doing?"

Kenshin snapped his fingers and the indestructible kabuto helmet split right down the middle, both halves falling uselessly to the ground.

"That armor _is_ pretty tough. I had to hit it twice to break it." Kenshin smiled.

Hanzo didn't have a single snappy comeback. "You bastard!" He shot a glance toward Kaoru. And then he did something strange.

He disappeared.

Or at least that's what Kaoru thought. Kenshin, on the other hand, had this really cool ability to see people even when they moved with near-god-like speed. Hanzo had pressed some kind of secret button in the floor, opening a trap door that had sealed itself as soon as he had dropped inside.

Kenshin didn't know what he was planning, but he was more worried for Kaoru than himself.

He took off toward her. "Kaoru, be careful!"

He was focusing so intently on saving his wife from the unknown coming dangers, that he didn't notice the changes happening to the floor and ceiling. Small, perfectly spaced holes had mysteriously opened up in the wood. When the needle sharp ninja-darts shot out from beneath his feet, Kenshin was incapable of dodging them all.

As soon as he felt the first twinge of pain in his feet, he jumped, hoping to reach a safe distance. Unfortunately for him, the ceiling had a bunch of spring loaded ninja-darts with his name on them. No really. Hanzo had spent hours painstakingly etching "Battousai" on each one.

Not that Kenshin was going to sit back and admire his handiwork. Kenshin had a feeling that he wouldn't be sitting for a long time, at least not comfortably. He'd become something of a human pincushion.

Kaoru screamed and Kenshin realized that it probably looked worse than it felt. Sure, the darts were sharp and pointy, but they were so thin that they weren't really that dangerous. They'd barely had the strength to puncture his skin, let alone reach deep enough to damage anything important.

Landing was going to hurt though. The darts in his feet had nowhere to go when he touched down. Nowhere to go, but through his feet, that is.

It was exactly as painful as he had anticipated.

Hanzo had materialized out of nowhere, rearmed and looking particularly dangerous even without his helmet. "That'll slow you down." He said with a grim smile.

Kenshin pulled a few of the ninja-darts from his arms and tossed them aside. "Maybe a little." He admitted. "But my next attack is going to even things up."

Hanzo seriously doubted it. He decided to put the infamous manslayer in his place, once and for all.

With a ferocious battle cry he raced across the room, one sword pointed straight at Kenshin's throat. When he was within range, Kenshin jumped forward, speeding straight toward Hanzo's blade. He twisted his body out of the path of the weapon like some kind of human tornado.

Even Enishi and Ryoshi put their duel on hold to watch the awesomeness.

As Kenshin flew on past, he slammed his sakabatou into the back of Hanzo's unprotected neck.

"Ryu Kan Sen Tsumuji!"

Hanzo flew forward and crashed. It looked like he wouldn't be getting to his feet for a while. A small puddle of drool was forming under his open mouth.

Kaoru spared one glance at her fallen captor and then took off toward her injured husband. Kenshin looked like he was going to collapse from blood loss and the strain of performing all his super-cool moves. He wasn't as young as he used to be.

She rushed to his side, arms held wide to embrace her heroic hubby.

Enishi was screaming something, but Kaoru had no trouble ignoring the mentally unstable man.

"Don't!" He roared. "Don't touch him!"

Kaoru figured he was just jealous.

Or maybe he was worried that she'd injure Kenshin further by driving the ninja-darts deeper? She wasn't stupid. She could hug around them.

Time seemed to stand frozen as she drew Kenshin into a tender, loving embrace.

* * *

**Author's Notes 2: **DUN DUN DUN! I bet you guys didn't see THAT coming. Actually, I'd be shocked if this wasn't the first thing that you thought when the women got kidnapped. "Uh oh, hugging." Anyone wanna place bets on whether or not Hanzo is really down for the count? Hehehe.

**Birthday Note: **3 months ago I ordered a custom made katana for myself. It's coming in today so it's become my special birthday present. Consider yourselves lucky that you live nowhere near me. I shall now start my _kunitori_ of Japan! Mwahaha!

NINJAS BEWARE!

**Review Comments of DOOM**

**Night-Owl123: **Thanks for reading! I'm glad you're lovin' this.

**MZ.AMbER EYEZ: **Hehe. Poor Sano. Poor Kenshin. Poor Enishi. Poor Anji. Poor Saitoh. Poor Aoshi. Poor cute dumb Soujirou. And probably Poor Yahiko, Yutarou, Chou, Hiko, and Katsu. Not to mention the women who're going to have their memories erased. Yay!

**lolo popoki: **I'm glad a few of you mentioned the Meat Grinder of Doom. I thought it was funny since Anji's the OX and all. Ox, cow, same difference. How fitting that he should meet "the end" like that! I'm sure that Kenshin and Enishi were just a little bit stressed out, hence the inappropriate humor. Stressful situations do funny things to people. 8D And really, you totally helped me get on the ball with last chapter. I wasn't feeling ready to post at all. Thanks again!

**FairyMage: **Don't worry, Enishi wasn't giggling. He was just amused. And Aoshi just tries to ditch Misao when she follows him to Zen temples. Do you know how hard it is to meditate with someone staring at you the whole time? Hehe. I don't know if this is going to be Soujirou x Misao, but I'm sure he'll get a chance to really piss off Aoshi, one way or another. 8D Glad you loved the Megumi stuff. She has a lot of depth that some people never explore. We'll get to see what's going on with Sano and Megumi soon. Along with Saitoh who-won't-be-falling-for-any-more-obvious-traps. 8D

**Mimi-san: **NOOO! You died-ed! And yet I can still read your review! You're communicating with me from the Great Beyond! Thanks for taking the time even though you should be playing a golden harp or something! 8D I'm glad you liked strong Megumi. She's witty, sometimes people forget that. Sano will be getting another good scene soon, and you'll find out what's going to happen with Saitoh and Tokio. She's probably going to get her memory erased. Mwahahaha.

**Kaoru4: **Kill Enishi? Hm. Now THERE's a good idea. I hadn't thought of it! Mwahaha. He didn't get a chance to prove anything this chapter, but it'll be coming soon enough. 8D I'm glad you love him in this fic. Hope you enjoyed the Kenshin/Hanzo fight and stuff. Let me know!

**Queeney: **I can't make any promises that things will get better from here on out. Hehehe. And Aoshi doesn't _actually_ make tofu replicas of himself. Who'd spend that kind of time carving something that really isn't made to be carved? 8D He's got an inflatable replacement instead. Hehehehe.

**M.Kasshoku: **Saitoh may never get to smoke AGAIN! Wouldn't that be tragic? Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the Megumi scene. We've both written her enough to know what she's capable of. A lot of people never push her, ya know? She might get slapped around a bit more though. She and Sano were unlucky in their Souma counterpart. Rekuno is the evilest of the 12. Pure coincidence. 8D

**marbles:** Well, I hope that was enough action for ya. There's more comin' though. 8D Sorry about the cliffhanger, but hey, it's gotta happen. Aoshi and Misao will be coming up soon! (probably a bit next chapter!)

**GreenEyedFloozy: **I write this fic for sadistic people like you! 8D You've got my kind of humor.

**ChunkyMunky241: **Hehe, I figured there was a great explanation for your penname. 8D Thanks for indulging my curiosity. Since you and I both have Sano/Megumi biases, I'd say it's safe to assume that there will be more Sano/Megumi goodness on the way! Sano lives to break things, so I wouldn't worry about him and the torturous devices too much. 8D

**Tatsuko Takashi: **Better late than never, I always say. Thanks for jumping aboard! I really liked what you had to say. As for CC, when I write a serious story I tend to take my grammar and spelling and descriptions more seriously. When you feel that something's lacking in this fic, that might actually be from laziness or specifically done on purpose to promote the humor. Who wants to be tied down with extra details when there's something funny going on? It's just a different style of writing, I guess. There's going to be a few more chapters, but I'm ready to have this story on my completed list. After that you can expect more stories from me, for sure. 8D I'll be looking forward to your reviews!

**XxOtakuxBeanxX: **Yup Anji's dead. Totally. He's been ground into hamburger and will be making an appearance at a Burger King near you. 8D Assuming that they'd use Meiji old beef. Which they probably would. Hehehe. Comparing Aoshi to tofu was pretty natural, but not one that I'd seen before. Kenshin found the comment so funny because he's the one who does all the shopping for the dojo. Imagine all the hours he's spent staring down at his bucket full of impassive tofu? Hehehe.

**daffybear: **Enishi is totally underrated. People who write him off as a mere psychopath are totally missing the point. He's definitely a little disturbed though. Hehe. Makes me love him more. 8D

**Adelaide MacGregor: **Hehe, yeah, I couldn't help but throw a Temple of Doom style Boulder of Doom at the boys. I love doom. 8D Doom doom doom! I've got some more fun stuff in store for everybody. Hope you loves it!

**neondruid: **Heheh, how could I make a _Labyrinth_ of Doom and not think about "the cleaners"? 8D I was also thinking about a scene from Resident Evil 4. Mmm... Meat Grinders of Doom. So if everyone is basically fighting a Meiji Era version of the FB characters, take one guess who was driving the grinder? And yeah, Tofu Aoshi. Heh. Gotta love it. (thanks for the review!)


	18. The Coolest Chapter

**Author's Notes (3-24-05): **Hehehehe. Here's the next part. I don't have enough time to do **review comments **so let me just say, "Thanks for all the reviews!" You guys are my inspiration. This chapter is dedicated to Aoshi/Misao lovers and haters (and there's a bit of Hiko, too). Hope you get a kick out of it!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

* * *

**Juunishi Part 18**

The Thirteenth Master of Hiten Mitsurugi sauntered out of the Labyrinth of Doom in record time. He'd easily discovered the "correct" exit that the rest of them had been searching for. He smiled to himself at his own brilliance.

He'd reached the living quarter section of the Souma Clan's fortress. It was decked out like the Emperor's palace but Hiko didn't bother being impressed.

There was very little on the earth that could evoke such emotion in a man of his caliber.

Hiko suspected that his fan club was being held somewhere nearby. He opened each door he passed, stopping only long enough to check for occupants. Each room he inspected was curiously empty. It looked like everyone was off having fun in other parts of the fortress.

It was quite irritating. Hiko would have enjoyed fighting off a few hundred ninjas while he searched for his women.

Anything to pass the time.

He opened the door to a particularly opulent room that appeared to be empty. He would have kept on going, but something caught his eye. He stepped into the room and headed toward one of the exquisite items decorating what appeared to be some kind of throne room.

Hiko approached with reverence, admiring the craftsmanship of a beautiful vase. It was pure perfection. The shape was sublime and it bore testament to the hands that had crafted it, the hands of a true aesthetic master.

The enameling and glaze work were beyond perfection. A tiny yellow bird alighted upon a dark branch of a humble plum tree. The bird was poised, preparing to launch itself into the air at any moment. Of course, the bird would never actually take flight. There was something sad about it, the hint of lost potential. The artist had captured a fleeting moment, drawing a striking parallel to the impermanence of all things.

It practically took Hiko's breath away. Compelled by its beauty, he reached out, hefting the solid weight of the vase with surprisingly gentle hands.

"I see my intruder has a fine taste in art."

Hiko silently chided himself. He'd been so distracted by the vase that he hadn't even sensed the faint presence. He turned casually, letting his possible opponent know that he didn't give a damn that there was anyone else in the room

When Hiko took in the sight of the other man, he knew that there wasn't going to be a problem.

A frail man leaned against a window frame, taking in the clean night air and Hiko's presence with the same measure of disregard. "If you break that, you'll pay dearly."

"Why would I destroy a masterpiece?" Hiko countered.

"You _do_ have an eye for art." The stranger seemed about as pleased as he probably ever was, judging by his sulky demeanor. "It's my favorite piece. One of my men found it for me at some rundown potter's in the mountains."

Hiko scowled. "My house isn't rundown. It's quaint."

The frail stranger blinked and raised his head slightly, looking at Hiko as though for the first time. "Are you saying…?"

"I made this." Hiko shifted the vase in his grasp, showing the bottom. "Here's my signature."

"You're the mysterious _Greatest Potter in the World_?"

"Naturally. Seijirou Hiko the Thirteenth, at your service." Hiko gave a small bow, letting his mantle swirl around him. He smiled like an arrogant bastard.

"The way you were staring at that vase, I thought you'd never seen anything so beautiful in your life. And you're telling me you made it?"

"Are you implying that I shouldn't appreciate my own handiwork?"

"Hmph." The man was trying his best to seem uninterested. "I never would have thought that the great master of _Hiten Mitsurugi_ would have such artistic talent."

"I excel in all areas." Hiko replied casually.

The stranger inspected his fingernails idly. "It's a pity that my men are going to kill you. Japan is suffering from a severe lack of talented potters."

"It _would_ be a waste to destroy someone with all my amazing talents." Hiko admitted thoughtfully. "But I wouldn't worry about it too much."

"I'm not worried."

Hiko placed his vase back on its pedestal. "Anyway, since you show such a heightened artistic sense, I'd be willing to do some commissioned work for you."

"Really?" The stranger perked up and then seemed to reconsider. "Wait a minute. There's no point in even having this discussion. My clansmen are going to kill you 'till you're quite dead. A dead potter is about as useful as an unlicensed ninja."

Hiko chuckled. "Yes, well. We can talk prices later. After I defeat your men and rescue my women, of course. By the way, you wouldn't happen to know where they've been taken, would you? You could really save me some time."

The stranger smiled. "Are you in that much of a hurry to die?"

"Death doesn't concern me." Hiko waved away the question. "Only the weak fear death."

"You're neither afraid of death or failure." The frail man sat up straighter, a deeply contemplative look crossing his pale face. "You're practically oozing confidence. You completely believe that no one can defeat you." It wasn't a question.

Hiko didn't bother responding. They both knew the answer.

The stranger nodded and grew introspective again. "If a single one of you doesn't die, my entire clan is in a bit of a predicament. But not one that we haven't dealt with before."

"I'm both sorry to hear it and unable to care." Hiko smirked.

The stranger seemed to be able to read him perfectly. "We've already lost, haven't we? I don't believe that any forces under my control can stand against your indomitable strength and willpower."

"It's highly improbable." Hiko agreed.

"We miscalculated then. If I could have met you earlier, I would have called this whole thing off." The stranger went back to sulking against the window frame. "It's a shame that so many of your friends will die this night."

Hiko shrugged. "If they die, then that's the extent of their will to live."

The stranger seemed to like the comment. "Your women have been taken to the Room of Fire in the Labyrinth."

"Drat." Hiko sighed. "That place annoys me."

The stranger pulled a folded sheet of paper from an inner pocket of his robes. "Here's a map of all the secret passages. You can get there easily." He tossed the map to Hiko.

Hiko grinned. "Finally. Someone who can contemplate my superiority. Tell you what. I'll even give you a 10 percent discount on all vases, pots, and tea cups."

"Thanks, but that's unnecessary. The recent behavior of my clan compels me to pay not only the full price, but an extra 15 percent for your exquisite pottery."

Hiko almost laughed. "Don't be stupid. This is the most fun I've had in years. 10 percent discount. And that's my final offer."

The stranger shook his head in wonder. "You're incredible."

Hiko smiled, turned, and started walking away. His mantle trailed after him, making him look especially cool. "I know."

* * *

The more he thought about it, the colder he seemed to get. 

Without a ninja license, he was nothing. Nothing but a walking punch line. Everyone would mock him mercilessly.

"Are you ok?" Soujirou sounded concerned.

Aoshi's teeth had started chattering. "I'm f-fine."

Soujirou raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I don't think so. You look kind of cold to me. Your lips have turned a lovely shade of blue."

Aoshi didn't want to know why Soujirou was staring at his lips.

He brushed aside the happy man's concern with a single dirty look and went to get to his feet. He could brood later, for now he needed to find Misao and rescue her expertly.

"Let's g-get going." Aoshi didn't like the way his voice was all stutter-y all of a sudden and he really didn't like the way his knees buckled when he tried to stand.

Soujirou was at his side in a flash, catching him before he could fall. Aoshi didn't like that either.

"Don't die!" Soujirou pleaded.

Aoshi would have smacked him for his stupidity, but he was overcome with a wave of shivers followed by the most acute sense of lethargy he'd ever experienced.

Even his brain began working in slow motion. "What's... going... on...?" It was like trying to run through waist deep water.

"Um, um, um." Soujirou looked around frantically, trying to come up with some kind of reasoning behind the strangeness. "Oh crappiness! Why didn't I think of this sooner?"

Aoshi blinked slowly and glared up at him. "What...?" If this was somehow Soujirou's fault, Aoshi was going to enjoy placing the blame.

"The room!" Soujirou pointed to the closed door of their final destination. "Where they're holding Misao!"

Aoshi craned his neck, slowly yet inexorably upwards until he could read the sign posted above the foreboding wooden doors.

"The Room of ICE!" Soujirou announced unhappily. "And _you're_ nothing but a cold-blooded reptile! What're we gonna do?"

Aoshi gritted his teeth to keep them from chattering. The painful irony of the situation was only equaled by the rage welling up inside him. "We're... _so_... dead..."

* * *

"Take that! And that!" Misao hurled her kunai with all the force and precision of a trained ninja assassin. They hadn't made her okashira for nothing.

As her opponents successfully dodged each of her attacks, she spared a moment to consider exactly how she'd become the leader of the Oniwabanshu in the first place. Yeah, she'd pretty much made the decision on her own... maybe she wasn't really worthy of the title?

"She sure is angry!" One of her captors called to the other cheerfully.

They weren't taking her seriously at all.

She angrily rushed one of her opponents, but he jumped out of her way and hid himself behind a large block of ice. She slid on past, accidentally slamming into an ice covered wall.

The whole place was like some kind of twisted winter wonderland. Of doom. Large icicles covered the ceiling, hovering dangerously above the frigid room. Misao spared a glance upwards, hoping that she hadn't displaced any of them.

It would sure suck to be skewered by a giant icicle.

A poofy snowball hit her in the back of the head and she heard her captors laugh.

"Nice shot!"

She spun around threateningly, but her ninja sandals didn't have enough traction to keep her from continuing her spin. She felt like some kind of mentally challenged dancer as she twirled helplessly to the floor.

They laughed harder.

"She's so _cute_!" The younger one squealed his delight. He hopped over to her and patted her on her dizzy head. "Really Misao-chan. You shouldn't be trying to fight us in here."

She smacked his fluffy mitten away from her hair. "Back off!" She shouted and tried to stab him with a kunai. He leapt back nimbly and when his spiked boots hit the floor, he stayed where he landed. Misao wished she had a pair of them.

A coat would have been nice too.

And maybe some ninja gloves and something to keep her ears warm.

The green-eyed cross dresser stepped out from behind his ice block, tossing another snowball up and down casually.

"She really is adorable." He said with a smile. "But she's not quite my type."

"That's fine with me." The young blonde Souma guy said happily. "I called dibs anyway."

Green-eyes tossed the snowball at the back of his companion's head, playfully. "Now, if I could just get my hands on that Shinomori Aoshi." He did a weird little sexy tiger-growl thing that Misao found particularly disturbing.

She got to her feet, clenching her fists with determination and unbridled rage. "Nobody... touches Aoshi... but ME!" Misao's voice seemed to echo off the icy walls.

"Um. Should I drop him then?"

Misao, Green-eyes, and Blonde-boy all turned in surprise to appraise their two new visitors.

"Aoshi-sama!" Misao shouted and then did a double-take. "Why are you hugging Soujirou?"

He had his arms draped limply over the Tenken's shoulders. Misao didn't bother noticing the way his legs were dragging uselessly or the dangerous scowl on his handsome face.

Green-eyes cheered once and clapped twice. "There's hope for me after all!"

Aoshi looked up slowly, eyes widening with something akin to fear. "Oh no. Not you again."

"Aoshi-samaaa!" Green-eyes took off toward the pair, arms held wide.

Misao felt strangely out of place. The whole scene was hurting her brain.

"Quick Soujirou." Aoshi pleaded. "Kill him."

"Um, sorry partner. I don't do the whole _killing_ thing anymore. Not since Himura beat me back at Shishio-san's evil fortress."

"You can make exceptions." Aoshi argued. The cross-dresser was getting closer. "Kenshin wouldn't hold it against you."

"I dunno." Soujirou said thoughtfully, but there really wasn't any time for him to puzzle the whole thing out. It would probably take him ten years or so.

"Well, at least knock him into a permanent coma." Aoshi didn't like feeling helpless. There was only one way for him to convince his dimwitted companion. "Do it for Misao."

That seemed to help Soujirou make up his mind. He slowly lowered his useless pseudo-ninja burden to the freezing ground with an apologetic smile. "You just wait here then. I'll go rescue her." Soujirou drew his sword and started off toward the green-eyed man.

Aoshi suddenly reconsidered. Could he just lay there and let Soujirou steal the show? Thoughts of his heroic rescue were shattering. "Wait!"

Soujirou was surprised by the sudden outburst and he tried to pull himself to a stop. Unfortunately, he hadn't anticipated the slipperiness. He lost his footing but continued forward, sliding straight toward green-eyes.

The green-eyed man dodged out of the way at the last minute and then continued on toward helpless Aoshi. "Sorry Souji-chan." He called back over his shoulder. "You're cute, but I need a bit more hunk in my men."

Soujirou was mildly confused and seriously out of control. He slid on, trying futilely to stop his forward momentum. Misao could only watch in dumbfounded horror as her rescue became the farce of the century.

Blonde-boy gave her a shove from behind and she slid forward, directly into Soujirou's path. They crashed into a snow bank with a poof of white smoke and a few colorful expletives.

Before Misao's brain even registered what was going on, Blonde-boy did a flying tackle, landing perfectly on the pile of twitching clothing at her side. Fluffy snow shot into the air like a mushroom shaped cloud.

"Bunny!" He shouted stupidly and cheerfully. Misao had to reassess his age and mental stability. Then she realized that Soujirou was probably in a lot of trouble.

Blonde-boy had somehow managed to catch an unhappy Soujirou-bunny by the ears. There was no telling what he would do to him.

Misao reacted without thinking, not that that would come as a big surprise to anyone. She jumped on top of the prone man and his bunny, straddling him and pinning his arms to the snow and ice covered ground. She punched him once across his boyish face, startling him so soundly that he lost his hold on the rabbit.

Soujirou took off like a bolt of fuzzy lightning, kicking up a dust cloud made entirely out of snow. Misao was just glad that the super-cute little bunny wouldn't be harmed, at least not until the bad guys managed to get their evil Souma hands on him.

"Misao!"

It was Aoshi.

She'd kind of forgotten all about him. It happened to be the first time in 20 years that that had happened. She decided to chew herself out later, for now she needed to be at his side.

She flipped off her opponent before the guy could try and counterattack. She managed to stay on her feet when she landed and immediately headed off toward her man.

The scene that befell her eyes would linger in her memory for the rest of her life and sometimes reply itself in her worst nightmares.

Aoshi was lying there on the icy ground, his head cradled in the green-eyed cross dresser's lap. Green-eyes gently brushed Aoshi's perfect hair out of the ninja's perfect face. Misao had no idea why Aoshi wasn't resisting. It was terrible!

And then, it happened.

Green-eyes gently lifted Aoshi, bringing their faces about an inch apart. Misao didn't want to watch, but she could not tear her eyes away.

They kissed.

It was the most romantic thing Misao had _ever_ seen. Green-eyes captured Aoshi's perfect lips with his own while he tenderly ran his fingers through hair that Misao would have killed to run her fingers through.

Aoshi still wasn't resisting.

She could see Green-eye's jaw working as he parted Aoshi's lips with his tongue. He plunged into a deeper, more sensuous kiss than Misao's brain was capable of comprehending with her limited experience in the area.

She only knew one thing.

She couldn't stand it _any_ longer. She ran and ran and ran, hoping that she would be able to end the most horrible moment of her life, but no matter how hard she pumped her legs, the two of them remained tauntingly out of her reach.

The kiss seemed to go on forever. It was like neither of the men even needed to breathe.

Misao could feel tears welling in her eyes and she pushed herself harder, trying to break the mysterious barrier that kept her in place. When the kiss heightened in passion, Misao felt like her eyes were being seared from their sockets. She looked down at the floor, unable to witness the scene any longer as Green-eyes slid his hand into Aoshi's ninja shirt, sliding the dark fabric away from Aoshi's perfect, though horribly scarred, chest.

As she stared down at the floor she realized that she was, quite literally, running in place. The icy floor was to blame.

She stopped her pointless running and tried to fight back pesky tears.

A strange, yet all too familiar, poofing sound awakened her to a whole new world of confusion and despair. She looked up to find Green-eyes cradling a long disgusting serpent in a gentle, loving embrace.

Aoshi had been transformed by the kiss.

Misao was sure of it. Somehow, all their theories had been wrong. It didn't require contact with the opposite sex. As long as someone was totally turned on, they'd transform even if contact happened between two men!

Misao's despair instantly turned to pure, distilled anger.

Her eyes burned with the fury of woman spurned. Even during her darkest hours, she had never imagined that Aoshi would ditch her for a man. As she took her first steps toward her new arch-enemies, the ice shattered under her feet.

Green-eyes looked up at Misao and smiled cruelly. "You can't have him back." He drew a slim dagger and held it against the limp snake. "I'm going to seal our love for eternity by sending Aoshi into sweet oblivion."

In a ninja instant, Misao's hands were full of pointy kunai. Her voice was cold and terrifying as she replied. "Not if I kill you both first."

She was broken.

As she prepared to throw her ninja daggers, her expression became quite ruthless. His green eyes widened in alarm as he realized that she was seriously going to kill them.

"No wait! You don't really want him to die, do you?" He held the snake in front of him, inadvertently making Aoshi an easy target for the enraged ninja girl.

"I do." Misao pulled the daggers back. For crimes against her heart, Aoshi would have to pay, with his life. It was the way of the ninja. Or at least, it was the way of really pissed off, hormonal, ninja girls who's would-be boyfriends ran away with cross dressers.

"DIE!" She screamed.

Naked Soujirou came out of nowhere and threw himself on Misao at the last possible moment. "Don't do it, Misao-chan!"

They were buried in another snow bank. It only took Misao a moment to melt her way to the top, she was so mad her body was giving off waves of heat.

She poked her head out of the snow and stared angrily at the little snow covered bunny. "Soujirou..."

"Misao, listen." Soujirou sounded understandably frantic. "Have you forgotten that Aoshi's a reptile? Remember what happens when he gets cold?"

It took Misao a minute to maneuver through her rage-clouded memories. "He... transforms..."

"Yes, and he gets all weak and mostly useless." Soujirou added helpfully. "He's been powerless since we got close to this ice filled room!"

Misao could only hope and pray that it was true. "Really?"

Soujirou nodded his bunny head and then shot off like a bullet as Blonde-boy came racing after him, laughing insanely.

Misao pulled herself out of the snow and looked toward Green-eyes and his pet snake.

A disembodied voice floated up from the general direction of the serpent. "Mi... sao..."

He'd only spoken her name, but she knew him well enough to decipher the hidden emotions.

"Aoshi?" Her voice almost caught in her throat. She could sense such pain and longing from her man. He needed her. He was so ashamed and so helpless and so desperately hopelessly absolutely and utterly in love with her.

How could she have not seen it before? The world may never know.


	19. How About a Hug?

**Author's Notes (4-6-05): **Sorry for the wait. Here's chapter 19! Things are going to start getting a bit hectic around the workplace, so it might take me a while to update again. Don't forget to review! 8D

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Ok, that's a lie. I've got a really cool sword! Yay swords! If anyone tries to find me and shave off my eyebrows, they'll probably be really sorry.

* * *

**Juunishi Part 19**

"Get your girly, manicured hands off _my_ man." Misao raised a fistful of kunai.

Green-eyes grinned and brandished his slim dagger. "Take one step and your _man_ is a goner." He dangled the limp Aoshi-snake tauntingly. "Besides, how can you really call him _yours_? I've got a sneaking suspicion that you've never even kissed him."

Misao's jaw dropped. "H-How did you…?" She sputtered but caught herself before she accidentally admitted the truth. She brushed her hair out of her face, trying to act cool and casual. "I mean. No, you're totally wrong. I've kissed him lots of times."

"Yeah." Green-eyes mocked. "In your dreams."

Misao bristled. "So what if I haven't kissed him? That doesn't mean anything."

"It means that he isn't interested in you." Green-eyes stated arrogantly. "And judging by the desperation I was sensing from him when we kissed, he's been looking for the right person to satisfy him."

"Desperation?" Misao asked. "The only desperation you were sensing was his desperation to get out of your hands and into mine!"

"You're not his type." Green-eyes continued, merciless in his verbal assault. "Why would a perfect man like him care about some dirty little ninja-wannabe? You're immature, noisy, and annoying. You've probably been following him around for years and yet somehow you've never stopped to question why he's never returned your advances? Get a clue, you mentally deficient tomboy!"

His words were like daggers. Misao felt them cut to the core of her being. It hurt. A lot. And there was nothing she could say in her defense.

"He doesn't care about you!" Green-eyes laughed as he pressed the dagger against Aoshi's scaly underbelly.

"Wrong."

The sexy, disembodied voice caused Misao to perk up just in time to witness Green-eyes' downfall.

With speed that defied reason, Aoshi lashed out with his serpent tail, knocking the dagger from his captor's grip. He twisted free and disappeared so fast that Misao was sure he must have broken the ninja speed limit. He reappeared, wrapped securely around Green-eyes' neck. The man flailed and tried to wrench him free, but Aoshi would not relinquish his hold.

Misao watched in satisfaction as Green-eyes finally crumpled to the ground, unconscious with his green eyes swirling.

She rushed over to her defeated enemy, looking for the man of her dreams. Unfortunately, Aoshi wasn't quite the man of her dreams at that moment. He was still trapped inside his scaly, slimy, crawly, nasty little snake body.

Aoshi knew exactly what she thought of him in snake-form. He slithered under his trench coat and curled into an embarrassed coil, hiding his head in shame.

But Misao felt somewhat sobered by the night's events. She pulled the coat away from her man, and smiled down at him, showing not even the slightest hint of disgust. "Nice job Aoshi." She unconsciously dropped the "sama." "You kicked his ass, but good."

Aoshi glanced up cautiously. "Thanks."

"I thought you were all weak and helpless in this cold room." Misao commented as she squatted down next to the scary serpent, showing no fear at their close proximity.

"I am. But I had to do something to shut him up."

"Yeah." Misao shot their enemy a dirty look. "He sure is an annoying bastard."

"It's not just that." Aoshi raised his head tentatively. He watched his okashira for any sign of terror in her eyes. She was deathly afraid of snakes and yet somehow she was keeping her phobia in check. Aoshi didn't want to do anything to drive her away.

In fact, he never wanted to be parted from her again.

"What is it, Aoshi?" Misao asked, her voice warm. She could sense that there was something else he wanted to say.

"I couldn't let him say all those things about you… and me… and… our relationship. I could see how it was hurting you."

Misao tried to play it off casually. "Nah. It's not a big deal."

"It is." Aoshi said. "Because everything he said was wrong. I do care. I just don't know how to show it sometimes."

It was practically a declaration of love, considering the source.

Misao could feel a cheesy rainbow of happiness bursting in her heart. Without flinching, she scooped up her beloved serpent, holding him close. "You looked really cold." The weasel girl explained, incase Aoshi resisted.

Not that he was going to. Aoshi wasn't sure if he'd ever felt happier.

"Um, guys?"

Misao blinked as naked Soujirou came running up to her.

"I hate to interrupt, but do you think I could get a hand?"

A snowball came sailing out of nowhere and smacked the Tenken in the face.

Soujirou sighed. "The blonde kid hid my sword and my clothes somewhere and he won't tell me where they are. Plus, I'm getting kind of cold." He shivered once, emphasizing the point.

Misao grinned and got to her feet, cradling Aoshi in her arms. "No worries, Soujirou. Makimachi Misao is on the job!"

* * *

"Ken… shin?" Kaoru's mind had grown numb with shock and disbelief.

She'd killed him.

She'd drawn him into a loving embrace, and "Poof", he'd simply ceased to exist. She'd felt his body melt against hers and then a he'd disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

It was like some kind of ninja magic.

Except Kenshin had never been a ninja. Not even once.

And ninjas didn't usually leave their clothes behind when they did a disappearing trick. At least, Kaoru didn't think they did. She was pretty sure, anyway. Everything she knew about ninjas, she'd learned from the Oniwabanshu. And Aoshi and Misao had never disappeared, leaving nothing but their clothes behind.

Kenshin's familiar hakama and gi were lying at her feet, crumpled together and looking extremely lonely now that their owner had vanished. The sakabatou stood upright, lodged in the ground at the place where the greatest swordsman of the Meiji Era had met his doom at his wife's hands.

She wanted to follow her sweet husband into nothingness. He'd promised her that he would never again go wandering off without her, but apparently he'd broken that promise.

She slowly collapsed to her knees, drawing the still-warm fabric into her hands as she tried to comprehend the incomprehensible.

What had happened?

Where had Kenshin truly gone?

Was it some kind of Souma Clan Ninja Trick? Had they stolen Kenshin away from her? Or had Hanzo poisoned the daggers with some kind of magical substance that dissolved people? Kaoru had no way of solving the mysterious and cruel riddle.

She just wanted Kenshin to come back!

And then, _he_ was at her side. She was too busy staring down at Kenshin's clothes to look up at the man beside her, but she felt his presence as clearly as rays of sunshine.

It was like being bundled up in a warm blanket.

She'd never felt that way next to anyone before, except for Kenshin. The man next to her loved her and would protect her no matter what. For a startled moment she'd thought that Kenshin had come back to her.

She glanced up quickly, expecting to see her husband's smiling face.

But it wasn't Kenshin.

Enishi dropped to one knee, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. He lowered his Chinese sword on the ground and began quickly searching through Kenshin's clothing.

Kaoru wasn't sure what he was doing, but when he smiled at her, she knew that things were going to be alright. If her brain hadn't been so muddled, she might have stopped to consider how strange it was to feel glad that Enishi was at her side.

"This may be difficult for you to understand," he began. "But I'm afraid that each one of us was cursed by the Souma Clan when we fought them earlier."

"Cursed?" Kaoru unconsciously glanced at Hanzo's prone form. He still wasn't moving. She sent another searching glance after Ryoshi, and finally noticed the Souma man getting to his feet. Enishi had dealt him a serious blow, but the tiger striped warrior was far from defeated.

She turned back to Enishi as the man carefully removed something from Kenshin's magenta gi.

"They've cursed us to transform into animals from the Chinese Zodiac. Your husband isn't dead. He's right here."

She looked on, confusion giving way to just the slightest hint of horror as she finally noticed the creature in Enishi's grasp.

"Ken… shin…?"

"Kaoru…" The response was quiet and weak, but it was enough to dispel doubt. Kaoru felt her mind start to wrap around the situation.

She blinked once as the wheels in her head kicked into overdrive. "Wait a minute." She raised an eyebrow. "There's no _seahorse_ in the Chinese Zodiac."

"Oro." An embarrassed bead of sweat seeped from the tiny creature as Enishi coughed once to keep from smiling or laughing.

Of all the questions that she should have had floating around in her brain, the one of least consequence had won out. Enishi kind of admired the way she'd seemingly taken everything in stride.

It was just another one of her amazing strengths.

"Yeah, we don't really understand it either." Enishi commented.

She held out her hand and gently took Kenshin. "Is he going to be ok?" She asked Enishi.

Neither one of them had noticed Hanzo get to his feet. "He'll be dead in about three minutes."

Enishi jumped to his feet, sword instantly in hand. "Not if I can help it." He growled menacingly.

"You can't." Hanzo smiled smugly. "Battousai will suffocate before either of you can find him water."

Kaoru looked at the little seahorse, feeling suddenly frantic. She'd barely begun to accept the fact that her husband had transformed into the tiny, frail looking creature. She definitely hadn't had time to consider the full implications.

"Water?" She asked, feeling a bit stupid.

"He needs it to breathe." Enishi confirmed. His voice was strained, like he was mentally kicking himself for forgetting. "And I'm betting there's no water anywhere near us."

"You're correct." Hanzo said as he picked up both of his swords. "Not that you're going to have a chance to go searching."

Without preamble, Ryoshi came rushing toward Enishi. He jumped and brought his sword-breaker crashing against the Chinese style blade. Enishi deflected the attack and pushed Ryoshi back away from himself and Kaoru.

He hadn't noticed Hanzo coming up on his flank.

"Enishi!" Kaoru shouted a warning but realized that her protector wouldn't be able to keep both attackers at bay.

Without regard for her own safety, she grasped the hilt of her husband's sakabatou and freed it from its wooden prison.

* * *

Souma Rekuno smiled maliciously. "The Room of Eternal Torment has never been defeated."

Megumi sat in silence, watching the doorway expectantly.

She strained her ears, listening for the familiar padding noise of Sanosuke's Chinese style shoes. He'd be coming for her, any minute. There was no way that he'd be killed by a room full of booby traps.

How lame would that be?

There was one thing that kept her from feeling absolutely confident, however. When he'd first stepped into the Room of Eternal Annoyance, Megumi had been shocked by his physical appearance.

She hadn't seen that much blood on his white gi since he'd returned from the fight against Shishio. And back then, most of the blood had been Kenshin's.

She really hoped that none of his injuries were too serious. If something bad happened to him, she didn't know if she'd be able to handle it. It had been a long time coming, but her feelings for the adorable ex-gangster had blossomed into the kind of love that knew no boundaries.

She didn't care that he wasn't the smartest man in the world. She didn't worry about the kind of life that he could provide her. She didn't even bother wondering if the two of them could actually be happy together. Her feelings transcended the mundane concerns of the "real world".

And even though he'd been acting supremely immature the last few hours, she'd found it in her heart to forgive him. After all, wasn't he here now, trying to rescue her against all odds?

She loved him, and that was that. She only hoped that she would have a chance to tell him.

And while she was pretty sure that the dumb room wouldn't kill him, she wasn't so sure about the man standing next to her.

She glanced towards Rekuno; trying to asses his fighting potential. She'd witnessed enough battles to have a fairly good eye for spotting a true warrior. Men who spent their lives fighting had a certain air about them. They radiated confidence, stood with excellent posture, and were generally rippling with muscles.

She mentally put a check in each of those boxes. Rekuno certainly looked and acted like a professional fighter.

He was a little bit shorter than Sano, but that didn't really mean anything. The shortest man she knew also happened to be the most powerful man she knew.

Rekuno felt her sizing him up and he turned to face her. "You're wondering if I can beat him, aren't you?"

He'd practically read her mind. It was a little creepy, but she hid her surprise well. "No. I don't have any doubts about that." She lied easily. "I was just wondering how long the fight between you two will last. If Sanosuke takes more than 2 minutes to defeat you, I'll be shocked."

"He's not even going to make it out of the room, so I wouldn't waste time thinking about it."

The floor rumbled threateningly and Megumi glanced toward the doorway that led down into the Room of Eternal Torment. There was a long pause and then the unmistakable sound of something being blown to pieces.

"I think that was the sound of your lover's death." Rekuno grinned. A second later there was a muffled crash and a heavy thud. Rekuno's evil grin deepened. "That was probably his corpse falling into a pit of meter long spikes."

An angry fire roared, dispelling the doorway's darkness for a brief moment.

"He was just barbequed." Rekuno smiled smugly. "Have you ever smelled burning flesh? I'm sure it would make your stomach churn."

Megumi narrowed her eyes and glared at her sadistic captor. "I'm a doctor. I don't get squeamish."

Metal screeched and the ground shook under their feet.

Rekuno smiled triumphantly and laughed. "That was the giant swinging blade! He's been bisected for sure! It's over!" He laughed again, confident in his assessment.

When the ground shook a second time, Megumi couldn't help but smile. "So, let me get this straight. First, he got exploded and fell into a pit of lethal spikes. Then he got roasted to death by fire. And to finish him off he's been bisected?"

Rekuno nodded. "Tragic, isn't it?"

"The only tragedy here is your stupidity."

Rekuno snarled. "You're going to have to face reality soon enough." He grabbed her by the wrist and started toward the open doorway. "Let's go see if we can find a few scraps of his remains."

"Sanosuke was born to break things." Megumi allowed herself to be dragged to the top of the stairs that led down into the Room of Eternal Torment. She was pretty sure that someone would be waiting for her in the lower room. "Destruction is undeniably his greatest talent."

"Actually Fox," A familiar voice floated up lazily. "I've got a few other special talents that I've been _meaning_ to show you."

Sanosuke stood at the foot of the staircase with a tantalizing grin plastered on his ruggedly handsome face. He was bruised, bleeding, singed, and shirtless. Megumi wondered if she'd ever seen him look quite so irresistible.

* * *

Enishi could only watch in amazement as Kaoru deflected each one of Hanzo's furious attacks.

She fought one-handed, clutching her tiny transformed husband in her left. Her eyes flashed with determination and bravery. Her movements were fluid and sure, like she spent all her time secretly practicing with her husband's sakabatou. Enishi had known that she was adept with a weapon, but he'd never actually seen her fighting for her life and the lives of others.

In the midst of combat, she was even more beautiful.

Her protective instincts were unparalleled. And Enishi was a little bit shocked when he realized that she wasn't just fighting to protect herself and her helpless husband, but she was fighting to keep him safe as well.

He had never seen this side of the young kendo instructor. He could feel himself falling in love with her, all over again.

* * *

"Put the sword down and I won't hurt you." Hanzo ordered. He was tired of playing games with the fiery young woman.

"I think that's my line." She retorted.

Hanzo scoffed. He'd obviously been too gentle with her. If she actually believed that she stood a chance against him, he'd have to show her once and for all who had the upper hand.

"I warned you to stay out of this. You've left me no choice." He slid into his Dragon Stance.

When he rushed toward her, Kaoru didn't even have a chance to react. She'd forgotten how fast the armored warrior could move.

As bright red blood sprayed, she waited for her life to flash before her eyes. She would have enjoyed watching it again. Well, most of it anyway. The last few hours had been pretty damn annoying.

It took her three whole seconds to realize that she wasn't the one who was injured.

"You fool." Hanzo pulled his sword out of Enishi's shoulder.

Kaoru wished she'd been paying more attention. It looked like Enishi had jumped in front of her at the last moment. He'd managed to deflect one of Hanzo's blades, but the second one had gotten through his defenses.

The white-haired man grimaced as he watched the trail of blood seep down his right arm.

"You're hurt." Her mind whirled. "You got hurt to protect me."

Enishi didn't reply. He simply placed himself protectively in front of her. Ryoshi and Hanzo gave each other a brief nod and then commenced a combined attack.

Enishi pushed Kaoru back, out of the way, as the two Souma warriors came in swinging. He ducked under Hanzo's double blades while slashing at Ryoshi's legs. The tattooed warrior somersaulted over his attack and slammed his sword-breaker against Enishi's injured shoulder.

Enishi grunted in pain and fell, landing on his butt. He rolled back just in time to avoid having his legs impaled by Hanzo. He pushed himself onto his feet and squared off against his two opponents.

Kaoru had almost forgotten that she had Kenshin and his sword in her hands. She rushed to Enishi's side as Hanzo and Ryoshi attacked him simultaneously.

Hanzo saw her coming and swung both swords with all his considerable might, aiming for the sakabatou. There was no way that she could keep her one-handed grip on the weapon. It flew out of her grasp and twirled off into the far reaches of the huge room.

Enishi pushed her back again, a little bit more forcefully than before. "Stay back!" He said, his voice deep and serious. "They won't hurt you if you stop fighting!"

Kaoru knew that it was true, but she couldn't just stand there and watch him fight a losing battle. And to make matters worse, Kenshin was running out of time. "I can help you!"

"Just stay out of the way." Enishi said angrily as he blocked a series of attacks from Ryoshi. "If I want your help I'll ask for it."

Ryoshi punched and kicked, sliding through the motions with feline grace. Enishi deflected and blocked with his uninjured arm but the force of the onslaught was driving him backwards, toward the wall. Kaoru stood off to the side, watching helplessly.

She glanced at the sakabatou. It was well out of her reach. It would take her a few seconds to run over to it.

"Don't even think about it." Hanzo said with a growl. He took a few steps forward, placing himself between her and the weapon.

But at least he wouldn't get to tag-team Enishi if he was busy babysitting her. Kaoru smiled coldly. "The minute you turn your back on me, I'm going to take up my husband's sword and finish what he started with it."

"Good point." Hanzo said. It might have been a trick of the poor lighting, but his narrowed eyes seemed to be glowing. "Maybe I'd better just wipe your memory now and be done with it."

He stepped toward her threateningly and Kaoru wished she hadn't been foolish enough to taunt him. "What do you mean, 'wipe my memory'?" She took an involuntary step backwards. Hanzo had finally become intimidating.

"Remember what I said earlier? About you forgetting all about your husband? There is an ancient technique that I possess that allows me to alter or erase memories."

Kaoru wasn't sure she believed him, but she didn't really want him to come any closer to her regardless.

"Enishi!" She called his name without thinking. He was at her side in an instant after dropping Ryoshi with a ruthless head butt.

"Touch her, and die." Enishi slid into his patented Chinese-style sword stance. He crouched low to the ground and held his sword above his head, aiming the tip at Hanzo. He held his free hand out in front, his index and middle fingers extended, pointing toward the ceiling.

Kaoru clutched her tiny husband close. He was barely even squirming in her grasp. If they didn't find him water soon…

"We have to get out of here." Kaoru spoke softly but urgently. Enishi gave the briefest nod in response. There was nothing to do but pin all her hopes on him.

"Interesting stance." Hanzo commented. "You've combined Japanese and Chinese styles, haven't you? Impressive."

"Take one step forward and I'll show you just how impressive it is." Enishi said, his voice low and menacing.

"You can't pull off your moves with that injury." Hanzo pointed out. "Besides, if _I_ defeat you my cousin would never forgive me." Hanzo said with a casual shrug as Ryoshi came flying out of nowhere.

Kaoru watched in awe as Enishi launched himself toward his foe. His large sword sliced through the air, heading straight for Ryoshi's head but the tiger stripped warrior had anticipated the attack.

Sword impacted with sword-breaker and a fraction of a second was all it took for Ryoshi to slide the jitte forward until Enishi's Chinese-style blade was captured in the prong. With a violent twist of his wrist, he yanked the weapon from Enishi's injury-weakened grasp.

Ryoshi flipped backwards, taking Enishi's sword with him. He landed, brandishing the long Chinese style sword in one hand and his jitte in the other. He grinned and then tossed the sword straight up into the air. It embedded itself in the ceiling, far above his head.

Enishi watched his blade reverberate in the high wooden ceiling. Kaoru's jaw dropped open in shock.

Ryoshi casually dropped his jitte. "That's more like it. No more toys. No more games." He stalked toward Enishi, looking rather badass.

Kaoru finally regained some of her composure. "Enishi, can you fight unarmed?" She had plenty of reason to be worried. Ryoshi had mad skills.

Enishi backed toward her, holding up a hand to his injured shoulder. "I can. But not with my shoulder this messed up."

"Is there something I can do? Anything to help?" It was her fault that he'd been injured in the first place. She considered making a run for the sakabatou, but a quick glance in that direction told her that it would be pointless. Hanzo stood directly in the path.

They were out of options, and Kenshin was almost out of time.

"Actually." Enishi had just had the most brilliant idea. He turned to Kaoru, grinning.

She gave him a puzzled look. What could possibly be so funny? She was afraid to ask.

"I could really use a hug." He said, holding out his arms.

Kaoru's eyes widened in surprise as the white-haired man wrapped his arms around her. Ryoshi yelped and rushed toward them, but he was too slow to stop the poof of smoke.

Kaoru stumbled back in alarm as a huge white tiger stepped out of the mysterious fog. It turned its giant kitty head to face her and if tigers can smile, it most certainly was.

"Thanks… Kaoru." The white tiger had Enishi's voice and was wearing Enishi's dark glasses.

Kaoru figured it out immediately. She smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. "Go get 'em, tiger."


End file.
